“Tattoos for the Terrified” by Frank Lesser.

Frank Lesser’s latest humour piece for The New York Times is a guide containing some stress-free suggestions for anxious people considering getting inked.

If you’re worried that you’re not cool because you don’t have a tattoo, and also worried about everything else, here are some stress-free suggestions for getting inked (after you’ve researched the ink to make sure it isn’t carcinogenic).

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— A heart with “Mom” written inside, beneath the words “In case of emergency, contact.”

— A chubby toddler. It would have been an angel, but heaven is merely a construct to distract us from the inevitability of death.

— Tub of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. To calm you down when you start thinking about whether heaven is merely a construct to distract us from the inevitability of death.

— Teardrop tattoo. It will distract everyone from your nervous crying (see above). Plus people might think you killed a guy in prison so they won’t mess with you by making eye contact.

— A mole that’s irregularly shaped. At least you know this one’s benign.

— Tattoo of someone else’s face over your own. Hopefully this other person will be better prepared for life’s disappointments.

Full Article: The New York Times.