EPISODE NUMBER: 10143 (August 26, 2014)
GUESTS: Jeff Bridges and Lois Lowry
SEGMENTS: Intro – 8/26/14 | Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 1 | Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 2 | Jeff Bridges & Lois Lowry | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Pin Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Light Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Greetings and salutations, Hubsters! It’s good to be back, writing a new Episode Guide. After a two week vacation, a Creative Arts Emmy for Outstanding Writing and an Emmy on Monday night for Outstanding Variety Series, The Colbert Report is back! This episode was pre-taped, so Stephen and the crew could celebrate their big Emmy win in LA. Naturally, Stephen found a genius way to mention his win even though it was taped two weeks ago. I thoroughly enjoyed this episode and I hope you did, too. Tell us your thoughts in the comment section!
Intro – 8/26/14
Stephen: Thanks for being here, man.
Jeff Bridges: Oh, my pleasure.
[Stephen sighs]
Jeff: What’s wrong?
Stephen: What? Oh, nothing.
Jeff: You look upset, man.
Stephen: It’s just a major crisis.
Jeff: Yeah? Well, I’m an actor, you know. Let me act like I’m helping.
Stephen: Would you?
Jeff: Well, lay it on me.
Stephen: I’m in a bit of a show business pickle, buddy. You see, I’m not actually here tonight.
Jeff: Where are you?
Stephen: I’m in LA. The Emmys were last night and I was nominated.
Jeff: Oh! Was I nominated?
Stephen: No.
Jeff: Motherf****… What were we talking about?
Stephen: Me.
Jeff: Oh yeah. You’re not here?
Stephen: No.
Jeff: Am I here?
Stephen: No. This is pre-taped. You’re in the past.
Jeff: When in the past?
Stephen: Two weeks ago. My question is, Jeff, should I come back to do my show live in New York tonight, which involves me taking the red eye back from Los Angeles after The Emmys, or should I just play a show I recorded two weeks ago?
Jeff: Was it a good show? Who was the guest?
Stephen: You are are.
Jeff: Oh! Sounds like a pretty cool show. Why don’t we do the whole pros and cons thing with this deal. What are the pros of you flying back and doing the show live?
Stephen: Well, the material will be more topical, which fulfills what I believe is a sacred trust between me and my audience.
Jeff: And the cons are?
Stephen: I don’t want to.
Jeff: Stephen, there’s your answer, man, right there.
Stephen: One of the things is, I’m worried my audience might miss me talking about whether or not I won the Emmy.
Jeff: No problemo. You just take one of these camera phone things with you and then you can edit in at The Emmys, whether you win or not.
Hi! We won for show and we won for writing last week and now we’re going to go celebrate in the official Emmy parking garage, because that’s glamour, that’s Hollywood. And thank you, Nation. This is The Colbert Report!!
Stephen jumps off of the name that Gwen Stefani mispronounced at The Emmys!
Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 1
- I am either very happy about The Emmys or wondering why I went.
- Either way, I cannot wait to find out why I am so hung over.
- [Microwave bell dings] Oh, excuse me, hold on a second. My Stouffer frozen dinner is ready! And, oh, kids! There’s nothing I enjoy more than eating a nice, hot Stouffer’s family-size lasagna. I may not be a whole family, but after this, I will feel like I’ve got a baby in me!
- And the reason I’m Stouffin’ my face is this company hails from the 78th installment of my 434 part series, Better Know A District. Tonight, Ohio’s 11th. The fighting 11th!!
- Ohio’s 11th, includes the city of Cleveland, founded by General Moses Cleveland in 1796. As of 1800 the city’s population consisted of only three men — a sociological condition known today as North Dakota.
- The 11th is home to the mighty Cuhahoga River, once so polluted, it spurred the creation of the EPA after catching on fire 13 times. After the first 12 fires they realized they shouldn’t try to put them out with river water.
- The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland attracts hundreds of thousands of tourists to the 11th each year. This year the hall inducted ’70s rock band Kiss, whose front man Gene Simmons is the only thing more polluted than the Cuyahoga River.
- And who has the Cleveland rocks to represent the district? It’s none other than Congresswoman Martha Fudge, the head of the Congressional Black Caucus. I sat down with Representative Fudge in her Washington office.
Stephen: Your district is home to Miceli Dairy Products. It also host an annual Lemonade Stand Day. And you were born in your district?
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes.
Stephen: Is it accurate to say “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made?”
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes, I guess!
Stephen: Speaking of people of color — John Boehner. You held hands with Mitch McConnell and John Boehner and sang “We Shall Overcome,” commemorating the 1964 Civil Rights Act.
Congresswoman Fudge: Correct.
Stephen: So racism is over, right?
Congresswoman Fudge: No, it is not.
Stephen: How could you have done that if there was still racism?
Congresswoman Fudge: Because it says we “shall.” At some point we will.
Stephen: Cleveland is the home to The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes.
Stephen: Can you get me in? I have two Grammies right now. I had a band in the ’80s called Stephen and The Colberts. You might remember the song “I’m Right Behind You Now, Charlene.”
Congresswoman Fudge: I’m not familiar with it, no.
Stephen breaks into a full rendition of “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)” while Congresswoman Fudge looks on and laughs, finally saying, “Are we done?!”
Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 2
Stephen: You founded the Congressional Rock and Roll Caucus to education people about music and have fun in a bipartisan way.
Congresswoman Fudge: Well, music transcends everything and so we decided that it was going to be a great idea to have musicians come together.
Stephen: Is it fair to say that you want to rock us out with our caucus out?
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes.
Stephen: Would you be willing to say that?
Congresswoman Fudge: Uh, rock us out with our caucus out.
Stephen: I have an enormous affection for you for reasons now that I can’t explain.
Stephen: You were an outstanding athlete in your youth.
Congresswoman Fudge: I was.
Stephen: You were a fencing champion in high school. I’ve done a little fencing.
Congresswoman Fudge: Have you?
Stephen: Congresswoman, [slaps himself in the face with a glove] I challenge you to a duel.
Congresswoman Fudge: I accept.
My name is Stephen Colbert. You dissed Paul Ryan. Prepare to die.
Stephen: If I win, you make me a member of the Congressional Black Caucus. If you win, I’ll make you a member of the White Caucus. I’ll talk to somebody.
Congresswoman Fudge: Deal!
I WON!!
Stephen: Mrs. Congresswoman, I accept you defeat graciously. I am now a proud member of the Congressional Black Caucus.
Interview – Jeff Bridges & Lois Lowry
Stephen: What’s the pros of forgetting?
Lois: They are comfortable, they’re safe, they’re happy.
Stephen: All of that sounds pretty good, I’ve got to say. I wouldn’t mind being comfortable and safe and happy.
Jeff: And not love? Would you like to not love? Because, as the song goes, love hurts.
Stephen: Love is a battlefield. Okay. So you have to suffer to love? Is that what you’re saying?
Jeff: Suffering is a part of the whole deal, man. It’s being human. When you try to get rid of that, it causes a lot of different problems. What you have to do is kind of bear witness to our suffering and try to get some empathy for each other.
Lois: And along with the things they gained — the comfort and happiness — they have lost something of their humanity, but also they lost art, music, literature.
August 26, 20 14 — Jeff Bridges & Lois Lowry
EPISODE NUMBER: 10143 (August 26, 2014)
GUESTS: Jeff Bridges and Lois Lowry
SEGMENTS: Intro – 8/26/14 | Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 1 | Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 2 | Jeff Bridges & Lois Lowry | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Pin Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Light Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Greetings and salutations, Hubsters! It’s good to be back, writing a new Episode Guide. After a two week vacation, a Creative Arts Emmy for Outstanding Writing and an Emmy on Monday night for Outstanding Variety Series, The Colbert Report is back! This episode was pre-taped, so Stephen and the crew could celebrate their big Emmy win in LA. Naturally, Stephen found a genius way to mention his win even though it was taped two weeks ago. I thoroughly enjoyed this episode and I hope you did, too. Tell us your thoughts in the comment section!
Intro – 8/26/14
Stephen: Thanks for being here, man.
Jeff Bridges: Oh, my pleasure.
[Stephen sighs]
Jeff: What’s wrong?
Stephen: What? Oh, nothing.
Jeff: You look upset, man.
Stephen: It’s just a major crisis.
Jeff: Yeah? Well, I’m an actor, you know. Let me act like I’m helping.
Stephen: Would you?
Jeff: Well, lay it on me.
Stephen: I’m in a bit of a show business pickle, buddy. You see, I’m not actually here tonight.
Jeff: Where are you?
Stephen: I’m in LA. The Emmys were last night and I was nominated.
Jeff: Oh! Was I nominated?
Stephen: No.
Jeff: Motherf****… What were we talking about?
Stephen: Me.
Jeff: Oh yeah. You’re not here?
Stephen: No.
Jeff: Am I here?
Stephen: No. This is pre-taped. You’re in the past.
Jeff: When in the past?
Stephen: Two weeks ago. My question is, Jeff, should I come back to do my show live in New York tonight, which involves me taking the red eye back from Los Angeles after The Emmys, or should I just play a show I recorded two weeks ago?
Jeff: Was it a good show? Who was the guest?
Stephen: You are are.
Jeff: Oh! Sounds like a pretty cool show. Why don’t we do the whole pros and cons thing with this deal. What are the pros of you flying back and doing the show live?
Stephen: Well, the material will be more topical, which fulfills what I believe is a sacred trust between me and my audience.
Jeff: And the cons are?
Stephen: I don’t want to.
Jeff: Stephen, there’s your answer, man, right there.
Stephen: One of the things is, I’m worried my audience might miss me talking about whether or not I won the Emmy.
Jeff: No problemo. You just take one of these camera phone things with you and then you can edit in at The Emmys, whether you win or not.
Hi! We won for show and we won for writing last week and now we’re going to go celebrate in the official Emmy parking garage, because that’s glamour, that’s Hollywood. And thank you, Nation. This is The Colbert Report!!
Stephen jumps off of the name that Gwen Stefani mispronounced at The Emmys!
Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 1
Stephen: Your district is home to Miceli Dairy Products. It also host an annual Lemonade Stand Day. And you were born in your district?
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes.
Stephen: Is it accurate to say “Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made?”
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes, I guess!
Stephen: Speaking of people of color — John Boehner. You held hands with Mitch McConnell and John Boehner and sang “We Shall Overcome,” commemorating the 1964 Civil Rights Act.
Congresswoman Fudge: Correct.
Stephen: So racism is over, right?
Congresswoman Fudge: No, it is not.
Stephen: How could you have done that if there was still racism?
Congresswoman Fudge: Because it says we “shall.” At some point we will.
Stephen: Cleveland is the home to The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes.
Stephen: Can you get me in? I have two Grammies right now. I had a band in the ’80s called Stephen and The Colberts. You might remember the song “I’m Right Behind You Now, Charlene.”
Congresswoman Fudge: I’m not familiar with it, no.
Stephen breaks into a full rendition of “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)” while Congresswoman Fudge looks on and laughs, finally saying, “Are we done?!”
Better Know a District – Ohio’s 11th – Marcia Fudge Pt. 2
Stephen: You founded the Congressional Rock and Roll Caucus to education people about music and have fun in a bipartisan way.
Congresswoman Fudge: Well, music transcends everything and so we decided that it was going to be a great idea to have musicians come together.
Stephen: Is it fair to say that you want to rock us out with our caucus out?
Congresswoman Fudge: Yes.
Stephen: Would you be willing to say that?
Congresswoman Fudge: Uh, rock us out with our caucus out.
Stephen: I have an enormous affection for you for reasons now that I can’t explain.
Stephen: You were an outstanding athlete in your youth.
Congresswoman Fudge: I was.
Stephen: You were a fencing champion in high school. I’ve done a little fencing.
Congresswoman Fudge: Have you?
Stephen: Congresswoman, [slaps himself in the face with a glove] I challenge you to a duel.
Congresswoman Fudge: I accept.
My name is Stephen Colbert. You dissed Paul Ryan. Prepare to die.
Stephen: If I win, you make me a member of the Congressional Black Caucus. If you win, I’ll make you a member of the White Caucus. I’ll talk to somebody.
Congresswoman Fudge: Deal!
I WON!!
Stephen: Mrs. Congresswoman, I accept you defeat graciously. I am now a proud member of the Congressional Black Caucus.
Interview – Jeff Bridges & Lois Lowry
Stephen: What’s the pros of forgetting?
Lois: They are comfortable, they’re safe, they’re happy.
Stephen: All of that sounds pretty good, I’ve got to say. I wouldn’t mind being comfortable and safe and happy.
Jeff: And not love? Would you like to not love? Because, as the song goes, love hurts.
Stephen: Love is a battlefield. Okay. So you have to suffer to love? Is that what you’re saying?
Jeff: Suffering is a part of the whole deal, man. It’s being human. When you try to get rid of that, it causes a lot of different problems. What you have to do is kind of bear witness to our suffering and try to get some empathy for each other.
Lois: And along with the things they gained — the comfort and happiness — they have lost something of their humanity, but also they lost art, music, literature.