EPISODE NUMBER: 7101 (August 3, 2011)
GUEST: Robert Wittman
SEGMENTS: Multiracial Spider-Man | ThreatDown – Fake States, Sharia Weather & Monopoly | Women’s Health-Nazi Plan | Sign Off – Official Flag Updater
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Yellow tie with little squares
VIDEOS: Wednesday, August 3, 2011
“God said ‘Thou shall have no gods before Me.’ So don’t spoil your appetite with Vishnu Poppers.”
justine marie’s Observation of the Week: Stephen takes very good care of his nails.
“What’s that, nerds? You’re a bigger fan than I am? Really? Well then, here’s a Spidey trivia question. Which issue had you on the cover?”
Threat #3: Fake States! “This shocking revelation comes from 82-year-old John Rolczynski, who noticed a discrepancy while reading the North Dakota state constitution, because that’s the most exciting thing to do in North Dakota.”
“There are now over 670,000 foreigners massed on our northern South Dakota border, just waiting to stream into real America and take the jobs we don’t want to do, like living in North Dakota.”
“To denote their non-official status, I have added an asterisk to this star.”
No love tonight for North Dakota or Arizona.
Threat #2: Sharia Weather!
Threat #1: Monopoly! “No dice, Hasbro! Literally, they took away the dice. Monopoly is supposed to be a grueling nine-hour marathon that dad always wins because his bedtime is later.”
I’m excited to try Monopoly Live. I hope it doesn’t have to buffer.
“So folks, keep this battery-powered menace out of your playrooms until they update it properly: One player is born with a billion dollars and all of the ‘Get of Jail Free’ cards. He bundles all the good properties like Marvin Gardens and Pacific Avenue with crap properties like Mediterranean and Baltic, then combines them as AAA-rated property swap derivatives that he sells to the other players who lose their life savings and end up turning tricks on the Boardwalk. The game ends when the last player goes broke and has no choice but to join the army and start playing Risk.”
On free birth control:
“This is an outrage. A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”
“Free birth control will wipe out the American race. That’s what wiped out the dinosaurs: a bowl of free condoms. Though, I don’t know how the T-Rex got them on.”
“Do you ever go into a museum and look at a piece of art and go, ‘I could steal that’?”Mr. Wittman: “Actually, I don’t look at it that way.”
August 3, 2011 – Robert Wittman
EPISODE NUMBER: 7101 (August 3, 2011)
GUEST: Robert Wittman
SEGMENTS: Multiracial Spider-Man | ThreatDown – Fake States, Sharia Weather & Monopoly | Women’s Health-Nazi Plan | Sign Off – Official Flag Updater
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Yellow tie with little squares
VIDEOS: Wednesday, August 3, 2011
“God said ‘Thou shall have no gods before Me.’ So don’t spoil your appetite with Vishnu Poppers.”
justine marie’s Observation of the Week: Stephen takes very good care of his nails.
“What’s that, nerds? You’re a bigger fan than I am? Really? Well then, here’s a Spidey trivia question. Which issue had you on the cover?”
Threat #3: Fake States! “This shocking revelation comes from 82-year-old John Rolczynski, who noticed a discrepancy while reading the North Dakota state constitution, because that’s the most exciting thing to do in North Dakota.”
“There are now over 670,000 foreigners massed on our northern South Dakota border, just waiting to stream into real America and take the jobs we don’t want to do, like living in North Dakota.”
“To denote their non-official status, I have added an asterisk to this star.”
No love tonight for North Dakota or Arizona.
Threat #2: Sharia Weather!
Threat #1: Monopoly! “No dice, Hasbro! Literally, they took away the dice. Monopoly is supposed to be a grueling nine-hour marathon that dad always wins because his bedtime is later.”
I’m excited to try Monopoly Live. I hope it doesn’t have to buffer.
“So folks, keep this battery-powered menace out of your playrooms until they update it properly: One player is born with a billion dollars and all of the ‘Get of Jail Free’ cards. He bundles all the good properties like Marvin Gardens and Pacific Avenue with crap properties like Mediterranean and Baltic, then combines them as AAA-rated property swap derivatives that he sells to the other players who lose their life savings and end up turning tricks on the Boardwalk. The game ends when the last player goes broke and has no choice but to join the army and start playing Risk.”
On free birth control:
“This is an outrage. A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”
“Free birth control will wipe out the American race. That’s what wiped out the dinosaurs: a bowl of free condoms. Though, I don’t know how the T-Rex got them on.”
“Do you ever go into a museum and look at a piece of art and go, ‘I could steal that’?”Mr. Wittman: “Actually, I don’t look at it that way.”