August 7, 2013 — Ashton Kutcher

EPISODE NUMBER: 9136 (August 7, 2013)
GUESTS: Ashton Kutcher | Mary Kay Henry
SEGMENTS: StePhest Colbchella ‘013 – Disco Decepticons | Rich White Guys Agreeing with Each Other Alert – Neil Cavuto | Fast-Food Workers Strike – Mary Kay Henry | SEC vs. Fabulous Fab | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Purple striped tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Hey kids! I am traveling for the next couple weeks visiting family overseas, so I apologize for my lack of usual participation. I do find myself cheered by siphoning eps of the Report as I can, although I was deeply disappointed by Daft Punk’s daftly punking out of what would have been an amazing episode. Stephen showed us what he is made of, though, still putting on a great, memorable show, and reminding us what a class act he is even under what must have been terrible pressure. (And a tremendous lack of professionalism on behalf of MTV – “my peeps are feeling funky on this one?” Are they running a frat house or a major TV network? Sheesh.) Bravo, sir.

Stephen addressed the ludicrous notion that Tuesday’s nightmare of a production day was some sort elaborate scheme to help the Funky Peeps over at MTV promote the upcoming VMAs (don’t forget to tune in at 4:30 PM on the West Coast!!)

We then moved onto the emerging fast food workers strikes around the country. I appreciate how Stephen has focused on this issue in recent episodes, and guest Mary Kay Henry made a impassioned argument on the worker’s behalf. On the other end of the spectrum, we had Neil Cavuto, triumphing his past experience as a fast food worker and his unflinching gratitude for the crappiest of work. Although I think $15/hr for flipping burgers is a pipe dream, perhaps the movement will help spur something to improve wage conditions for fast food workers.

Then, Ashton Kutcher reappeared on the Report this week after “punking” Stephen. I thought he came across as very articulate and intelligent, which was surprising given some of his past work, a fact which Stephen referenced. I haven’t seen reviews of his movie yet, but he seemed to have a healthy appreciation of the genius of Steve Jobs, so it might be worth checking out. In any event, Kutcher gets props from me for helping Stephen out on Tuesday.

What did you think of the ep? Did anything surprise you about Kutcher’s appearance? Let us know in the comments.

“Let’s get straight to the top story…me.”

“My star studded video tribute to the Song of the Summer lit up the Twittersphere, though I do have to say that I am little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kicks with the Rockettes. I am deeply hurt, in that I believe I tore my hamstrings. “

• Now folks if you weren’t here last night, you were probably in Daft Punk.

Well I have got one thing to say to Pitchfork..busted! You got me. We thought we tricked you by flying the Disco Discepticons from Paris in a sophisticated pantomime to fool everyone, including myself (so committed was I), that Daft Punk was coming, all just to help someone else’s show on another network a month from now. But we can’t put past you, Pitchfork.! And now that I’ve come clean, I can do what I love…promote the VMAs. (audience reacts) It’s my calling. Once again, the VMAs will appear on the Oprah Winfrey network, September 5th at 3 AM directly following the premiere of Hysterectomy Horrors with host Lou Diamond Phillips.

• In pains me that in a country of such wealth as ours, there are still so many in poverty, and it pains me even more when those people won’t stop whining about it: “I want a union!
  I want safety regulations! I need all my fingers!”

“$15/hr?! What do they think, those arches of made of gold?! […] A living wage would eliminate 3.6 million poor people. “

• I’m not the only one with maximum rage over the minimum wage, so is Fox News Anchor and burst tube of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, Neil Cavuto.

• Neil and I are not fixated on our hourly wage. I don’t know what I make an hour; that many zeroes gives me vertigo.

• You hear that, strikers? Neil made $2/hr at age 16, and still paid his rent and fed his kids.

• When I was young, I had a low paying job losing teeth for a living. But, with hard work and a little dumpster diving outside a hockey rink, I turned it into a profitable business, and today you may know that tooth loss business as The Colbert Report. I just wish I could know who that magical tooth fairy was, so I could thank her for making me financially independent from my parents.

• Stephen: But why should this corporation have to pay these people more than the minimum wage? Isn’t up to these people to pull themselves up by their own fry baskets?

• Mary Kay Henry: We’re proud to stand with the fast food workers asking corporations making record profits to pay them a living wage. […] We cannot have a strong economic recovery in the United States if workers don’t have money in their pockets, so that they can buy goods and services, so those companies can hire more people, and we can an economy that works for everybody in this country, not just the corporations.

• Stephen: You’ve heard fast food called a guilty pleasure, right? Part of the guilt I feel is that I know they’re being treated so poorly. And if that gets taken away from me, the food will lose its some of its flavor. […] You’re willing to give that up?

• Mary Kay Henry: Yes, I’m willing to give that up because people should be able to work hard, get by, and get ahead. […]Just like auto jobs became good jobs, service jobs can become good jobs.

• It’s hard to believe but it’s been 5 whole years since the global financial crises cost the U.S. economy more than 22 trillion dollars, and we’re still trying to figure out who to blame. Was it the patriotic bankers willing to put it all on the line to make America the greatest economy in the world, or was it the greedy, reckless home grubbers looking for the cheap thrill of heat and shleter? We can argue all day, at this point, who can say which side has better lawyers?

“Oh, the angry mob wants a scalp. And Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein is practically daring them with that thing.”

• Yes, a huge victory for the SEC. A one billion fraud out of a 22 trillion meltdown. (does his calculator bit) Let’s do the math there, let’s see what’s going on here, and that is…my calculator won’t take numbers that large.

• “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Using arcane accounting methods that hide the majority of my love in a shell corporation in the Cayman Islands.”

• Ashton Kutcher: Well, you can’t judge a character. Steve Jobs, even though he was a luminary and a brilliant genius, he was also a person and he had flaws and he had scars and he had personal wounds. When he was a kid, he found out he was adopted, and I think he felt very rejected by his parents. And then he was rejected by the very company he created when Apple fired him. And so, I think the way that he sought love and appreciation was through the products that he built. And I think that he was such a perfectionist and so driven to actually make something that people loved and appreciated and make the consumers happy, that the way he received love, if they loved the product, that meant they loved him. And once I found that chord in the character, I was able to sympathize with him being a bit of a d*ck.He understood that he didn’t’ have to be beholden to the stockholders, in that if he built a company, and if he built innovative products that consumers loved and appreciated…if he made a great product that people loved, then the effect of that would be that he would have happy stock holders.

• Stephen: Wow. You’re throwing me off here. No offense, but you’re known for not playing the smartest characters. And you’re coming off as smart right now. You’re playing this genius, and from what I understand from this documentary I saw, you can’t find your car.