EPISODE NUMBER: 10040 (December 19, 2013)
GUEST: Ben Stiller | The Blind Boys of Alabama
SEGMENTS: Jamie Dimon’s Christmas Card | Fox New’s “12 Scams of Christmas” | Phil Robinson’s “Duck Dynasty” Suspension | Sign Off – “Go Tell It On The Mountain”
SUIT REPORT: Pin-Striped Navy Suit | Blue Shirt | Yellow Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, December 19, 2013
“Ho Ho Ho”
I wish the Colbert Nation a very happy holiday season, filled with peace and kindness. All of my best for a bright new year, filled with Colbert joy! These Episodes Guides will see you again in January 2014!
Jamie Dimon’s Christmas Card
- Hearing you chant my name; it sounds like the angel choirs of Bethlehem.
- Ebenezer Scrooge was a job creator. What did Tiny Tim ever make, other than me cry?
- The median income huggers out there are still pushing bankers around and no one is getting hit harder than my buddy, CEO of J.P. Morgan, Jamie Dimon.
Chris Hayes: “If you’re among the nearest and dearest to J.P. Morgan Chase head-honcho, Jamie Dimon, this holiday season you were recently graced with this panoramic holiday card in your mailbox. It shows the first family of finance having a great time, hitting tennis balls inside what seems to be their home. An image that says, ‘Hey, we’re so rich we can destroy our own stuff with a smile.’”
- Disgusting. Cavorting around your own home with your own family at Christmastime? Come on.
- I can’t think of anything more decadent, except maybe murdering a tree and dressing it up like a whore.
- This is why I didn’t mail out my Christmas card this year. It’s a picture of me water-skiing through the kitchen I had built off of my shoe closet.
- News media, you keep holding the bankers accountable for insensitive Christmas cards, because I hope we can all agree; that’s the real crime on Wall Street.
Fox New’s “12 Scams of Christmas”
- Folks, I love Christmas. It’s such a joyful season. And that joy is hard on Fox News ’cause their job is to make us scared and angry.
Peter Johnson, Jr: “On the 12th day of Christmas the scammers gave to me 12 reindeer rip-offs, 11 Santa scammers, 10 Christmas coupons and 9 stolen gift cards.”
- After hearing that little list of scams there, I hope you’re so scared that you dropped a yule log in your pants.
- But Junior Johnson Peter only scratched the surface. There are so many more scams that he left out.
- Like ‘Gift Grift.’ That’s where you buy a present and you’re expected to give it someone else.
“Hey, I just paid for that. Why should I give it away?!”
Phil Robinson’s “Duck Dynasty” Suspension
- The PC police have pulled over yet another patriot.
“Duck Dynasty is making headlines for off-camera drama. Phil Robinson, the star of A&E’s hit show has been suspended indefinitely from filming the reality show after making controversial remarks.”
- Now just why did A&E A and Axe him? Because this good Christian man spoke his mind to GQ about the gays, saying:
- Tonight we are all Phil Robinson.
- He also waxed nostalgic for the Jim Crow era.
“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person … Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say, ‘Were they happy?’ They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”
- I’ll tell you who I feel sorry for, folks; A&E. With this controversy, they may have just lost ‘Duck Dynasty’s’ mass gay and black audience.
Interview – Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller: Walter, you know, is a daydreamer. He lives in his head. He has this incredible potential inside of him, you know, to be all these things, but in real life, he can’t realize that. So, it’s all about the potential we have inside of us; who we can be and being the best possible version of our-self. It’s something that I think is universally relatable.
Stephen: I didn’t get it.
Stephen: Your dad, the great Jerry Stiller, gave us Festivus.
Ben Stiller: Yes, he did. I grew up in a house where my mom is Irish-Catholic and my dad is Jewish, so we had Hanukkah and we had Christmas and we had it all.
Sign Off – “Go Tell It On The Mountain”
‘Tis the season to share your thoughts with us in the comment section!
December 19, 2013 – Ben Stiller
EPISODE NUMBER: 10040 (December 19, 2013)
GUEST: Ben Stiller | The Blind Boys of Alabama
SEGMENTS: Jamie Dimon’s Christmas Card | Fox New’s “12 Scams of Christmas” | Phil Robinson’s “Duck Dynasty” Suspension | Sign Off – “Go Tell It On The Mountain”
SUIT REPORT: Pin-Striped Navy Suit | Blue Shirt | Yellow Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, December 19, 2013
“Ho Ho Ho”
I wish the Colbert Nation a very happy holiday season, filled with peace and kindness. All of my best for a bright new year, filled with Colbert joy! These Episodes Guides will see you again in January 2014!
Jamie Dimon’s Christmas Card
Fox New’s “12 Scams of Christmas”
“Hey, I just paid for that. Why should I give it away?!”
Phil Robinson’s “Duck Dynasty” Suspension
Interview – Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller: Walter, you know, is a daydreamer. He lives in his head. He has this incredible potential inside of him, you know, to be all these things, but in real life, he can’t realize that. So, it’s all about the potential we have inside of us; who we can be and being the best possible version of our-self. It’s something that I think is universally relatable.
Stephen: I didn’t get it.
Stephen: Your dad, the great Jerry Stiller, gave us Festivus.
Ben Stiller: Yes, he did. I grew up in a house where my mom is Irish-Catholic and my dad is Jewish, so we had Hanukkah and we had Christmas and we had it all.
Sign Off – “Go Tell It On The Mountain”
‘Tis the season to share your thoughts with us in the comment section!