Hubster Anais0509 has sent us this wonderful “Event ReporT” of her trip to the October 13th, 2012 taping of “Night of Too Many Stars” hosted by Jon Stewart at the Beacon Theatre, New York.
Wow. What. A. Night. If only more of you could have been able to attend it. Just to shed a little light on how my attendance to this awesome event came about (if you will allow some indulgence on my part), my younger brother, Alexandre, has autism, so this is a disorder that my family and I are very familiar with. And we’ve done all we can to help him out and others like him: we donate money to organizations such as Autism New Jersey, we’ve participated in autism charity walks, we wear pins through April to commemorate it as National Autism Awareness Month, my parents attend an annual autism conference, the list goes on. And this event is just another thing that unites us in this cause. We’ve been watching it since its inception, but it never occurred to us that we could actually be there in person. That is, until I became a Hubster and, through the awesome research abilities of everyone on the Hub, was notified of the possibility of getting tickets for this event. Once I got wind of how much tickets cost, it was a matter of asking my parents if they’d be interested, and they were (and, even better, were able to afford it), which made me happy.
This was all the way back in September, during the pre-sale period. Skip forward one month later, to this past Saturday. We left NJ two hours earlier so to get there early, or, at the very least, on time. We’d been sent a reminder e-mail that told us that doors would be open at 6pm and we had to be seated by 7pm so that they could start taping at 7:30pm. We arrived at the parking lot at 6:15pm, grabbed a quick slice of pizza at a nearby pizza place (as I was eating, I tried to follow the way of the Stewbeef in terms of eating pizza the right way, ‘cos as he said in a now timeless clip, “You don’t eat pizza with a f***in’ fork!” Needless to say, it was not easy. Still have a lot to learn about being a real New Yawker!), then walked the couple of blocks or so to the Beacon Theatre. I love the Beacon Theatre. It’s one of my favourite theatres to go to. The last time I was there was this past summer when my parents and I attended the Beach Boys’ 50th Anniversary Reunion Tour, so I was happy to be back again. I tried to get a picture of the outside, but it kept coming out bad. Thankfully, my mum’s better at taking photos than I am so she took this beauty for me:
We got inside and freshened ourselves up before heading to our seats. We’d splurged on $200 seats in the mezzanine, row C, near the center. Pretty decent seats, if I do say so myself. We had a good view of the stage, and the entire mezzanine section was flooded with stage lights ‘cos I guess that sometimes they would be filming from the stage up in order to get a shot of the audience so they wanted to make sure that we’d be seen (lucky us). Of course, that made it difficult to take pictures from where I was, but I tried my best. I took this picture of the awesome 3D backdrop of the stage:
Sadly I didn’t think to take pictures of the rest of the theatre ‘cos I was chatting with my parents and admiring the architecture. That’s my favourite part of the whole theatre. It’s like you stepped into a time machine and are immediately awash in neo-Grecian artwork, sculpture and gold galore. I was also seriously fangirling over the idea of seeing both Jon and Stephen in the flesh, and wondering what either of them had in store for the night.
At around 7:15pm, an announcer announced the appearance of a warm-up stand up comic named Jerry Logan (whom I later learned was his real name Jared). I’d never heard of him before, and I guess they’d employed him to entertain us while they were finishing setting things up, but he was funny and we enjoyed him. He was on for about 10 minutes, then he left the stage and the on-stage band played “All Right Now” and “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” to entertain us more. The lead singer was pretty good. Finally, at 7:30pm on the dot, the stage manager announced that we were going on in 30 seconds. Cameramen scurried into place, the musicians positioned themselves over their instruments, the lights dimmed a little and we the audience settled ourselves into our seats. We could actually hear someone counting down. Once “One!” had been uttered, the musicians started playing, and the live taping began.
* MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. THE REST OF THIS REPORT CONTAINS SEVERAL JUICY SPOILERS. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SURPRISED AND WOULD RATHER WAIT UNTIL OCTOBER 21ST TO WATCH THE BROADCAST ON COMEDY CENTRAL, CEASE READING THIS REPORT RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.*
The announcer announced Jon, and he came onto the stage. This is the very first time I’ve ever seen Jon in person, so I was super thrilled at this chance to see him live. He started by thanking us for coming and supporting this event and the cause it was fighting for, and inserted a few facts and comments about autism. You can see right from the very beginning just how invested into this cause he is (and Stephen too), which means a lot to me, my family and everyone else affected by autism. He was also a fantastic host and just seemed really in his element.
After some more talking, he brought on the first star of the night, which was Tommy Hilfiger, and he came onto the stage with an entourage of models in TH garb and one of them had a dog with her that was wearing some kind of strange doggie outfit (I’m not sure what to call it). Tommy started talking for a little bit, but then he was interrupted by none other than Derek Zoolander, a.k.a. Ben Stiller as his narcissistic, dimwitted model character from the movie ‘Zoolander’. He told the models to leave and started sharing ‘barbs’ with Tommy because he saw him as ‘competition’ (even though Tommy and Jon both kept telling him that that was not the case with this event). After some terrible word misuses and puns (and constantly being corrected by Jon), in preparation of the coming Mayan Apocalypse in December, he unveiled his new End of Syphilisation 2012-2013 Zoolander Calendar, featuring him posing against backdrops of post-apocalyptic landscapes. This part was actually funny for me, as I couldn’t get past the first 20 minutes of Zoolander before giving up on the absolute stupidity of his character. He also had two very buff models come out modeling briefs with the Night of Too Many Stars logo placed in a very strategic spot as another item he was selling. Mind you, I was drooling a little bit, but primarily with the upper half ‘cos that’s what I’m most attracted to. After Zoolander had made his pitch, he and Tommy left the stage, and Jon also left, but not for long. He soon came back with the stage manager, talking about something. This is what would happen frequently throughout the night: there would be gaps between taping when Jon would consult with the stage manager who would then tell him where to stand on the stage for the next bit, and then the band would play a little ditty before the lights were turned back on Jon and the taping would continue. It was interesting for me and my parents to see how this whole thing was done behind scenes after years of watching it on TV.
The next celebrity that Jon called out was a man by the J.B. Smoove, whom I can honestly say I have never heard of before (I actually thought his last name was “Smooth” when I first heard it), nor know what he does. He told a few stories and made his pitch on his contribution to NoTMS which is the full set of ‘Game of Thrones’ with commentary by him and Tracey Morgan. Then a montage of various GoT clips was shown on the screen with Smoove and Morgan shown in a tinier box in the corner providing commentary. This bit was less amusing for me, but some people found it funny.
After Smoove, Hannibal Buress came on and did some stand-up, which was funny. Then a short clip that showcased a few autism programs that are benefited by NoTMS was shown. Several times whenever an organization or a person being interviewed was shown on the screen, people would cheer or whoop from around the theatre, probably people who know them personally or who work or have worked at those places. NOW … what happened afterwards completely blew my mind and every other part of my being away, because I never expected it in a million years. Jon came back out and talked about how this event was about bringing together rivals, ex-spouses and people of different points of view. Then he demonstrated his point by bringing out … *drum roll* … Chris Matthews and Bill O’Reilly! Two of the most opposite-minded people in the news world on the same stage sharing breathing space. I was completely in shock. And, just to interject, O’Reilly is GIGANTIC compared to Jon. Jon was practically dwarfed by him. And they (I mean Chris and Bill) actually had a civilized exchange, albeit with some choice barbs at each other, but no malice involved, which was kind of refreshing to see. I still can’t stick O’Reilly, but I could manage him for the amount of time he was present. Then the next thing that happened pretty much blew me out of my seat: CNN’s John King came out along with some stage people pulling out a desk, some chairs and LOTS of helium-filled balloons. The three of them sat down at the desk, and, as King moderated, O’Reilly and Matthews began having a debate with each other … while on helium. They had to debate while sucking helium from the balloons, and they could only speak in helium voices. Seth Rogen then came out (while munching on a bag of chips) and sat down on the floor in front of them as the official “helium spotter”, meaning he was responsible for making sure that the two men were constantly on helium. There was only one word to describe it: hilarious. Matthews did very well on the helium, but O’Reilly had a bit of trouble. Either he wasn’t sucking the helium correctly, or he was trying not to inhale it on purpose, whatever the reason, his voice didn’t sound like it should when on helium. But it was still funny. I was laughing really hard from the whole thing. The best part was glancing at Jon on the side from time to time; he was rocking back and forth and trying not to fall over from laughter. Nobody was deemed a winner, but I think for this kind of event, nobody really cared. It was all in good fun and for charity.
After that spectacle came out the auctioneer, a (rather cute) British man by the name of Guy Mitcherson, to start auctioning off the first lots of the night, and J.B. Smoove came back out to help out. The first lot (I guess that’s the term for auction pieces or prizes or whatever) to be auctioned off was receiving the newest Apple gadgets that will come out within the next year starting that very night, including the current new iPhone 5. The lucky winner, a woman, won it with a bid of $20,000. The next lot was a visit of the “Breaking Bad” set for one person and a guest. A man cast the winning bid of $22,000. One man near where my parents and I were sitting was so close, but lost. I noticed throughout the evening how the auctioneer would primarily seek out bidders sitting in the orchestra section, but would look up if someone from the mezzanine or balcony called out a bid. I suspect that that’s because the richest people were mainly in the orchestra, considering that those seats were going for $600 or more. And believe me, by the looks of the people who won the lots, they have money. The third lot was a live script reading of the upcoming new season of “The Simpsons” by the actual Simpsons cast members for four people (meaning the winner and 3 guests), which went to a man for $13,000. And then for lot #4, Jon brought out Amy Poehler and Tina Fey to immense cheers, where it was announced that they would be auctioning off the chance for a lucky winner to spend an entire night (that night, to be exact) with Tina and Amy as their “new BFFFTN” (Best Friend For The Night – that’s my personal acronym, nobody actually said that). And they specified that this prize was probably preferable for a woman. A ferocious bidding battle ensued, ultimately culminating with two women vying for that prize, but were wavering at $37,000. At some point, someone came out to the auctioneer and whispered something into his ear, and then the auctioneer addressed the two women and asked them if they would both be willing to contribute $36,000 each and then BOTH would be able to spend the night with Amy and Tina. The two women agreed and thus Tina and Amy’s friendship was auctioned off for a staggering combined sum of $72,000. The two ladies were brought onto the stage where they were hugged by Tina and Amy, and then all four of them sat down at a pre-prepared table set with four glasses of wine, and they were all carried off to the side chatting with each other as if they’d known each other forever, and that ended the first auctioning period of the evening. Then a movie on Have Dreams, an organization that focuses on after-school activities for children with autism to help them improve their abilities to learn, function independently and socialize was shown.
NOW … comes the best part. Jon came back on and talked again about the evening was about pairs, and the next pair coming out was just such a pair. And out came out … STEPHEN(!!!) … with a bear (technically an actor in a bear suit, but for comedic intents and purposes, let’s pretend it’s a real godless killing machine). A funny routine ensued with Jon being gratified but a bit puzzled to see Stephen with a GlKM, and Stephen explained that he was willing to do anything to help autism programs, even if it meant doing it with a “liberal” bear (as was the case with this bear, as he pointed out). And he added that to further prove that he and the bear were comfortable with each other, he was showing solidarity by lathering salmon over his body, placing nuts and berries in his jockstrap, and spritzing on essence of female bear around his neck (this part he did in person). Now, of course, as we and Jon know, this isn’t exactly a good idea, especially when the bear looked like he was being overcome by his bear nature when Stephen revealed these juicy little details. But Stephen, dear Stephen, didn’t realize this, and he continued on with his and the bear’s contribution to the show which was a Sondheim Medley, starting with “One Hundred People” from ‘Company’. That bit didn’t get very far, unfortunately, because the bear then finally couldn’t fight it back anymore and attacked Stephen, resulting in his arm being torn off. Then a guy dressed up in a ranger outfit rushed out onto the stage and tried to shoot the bear, but wound up shooting Stephen instead and he collapsed to the floor, and Jon rushed to his side to see if he was all right while the bear just stood aside. Sounds like an oddly romantic setting for a fan fic, don’t you think? Then when Jon told the camera that the show would be right back, Stephen stood up smiling, saying he was okay, and waved to us with the remaining one hand before leaving the stage, with the “bear” following behind. I was a little sad that Stephen wasn’t on for very long, but at least I got to see him! Then the stage manager walked up to Jon and whispered something to him, and he started giggling. He told us that, evidently, the cameramen had been caught off guard with the ranger running out and firing the gun and they jerked the camera, so they brought the ranger guy back out and had him mime shooting the gun while standing still before he left again, and Jon said that, through the magic of TV, it will all look seamless when it gets broadcast on October 21st. We all found it hilarious how the cameramen had been surprised and needed to redo just that little bit again (without Stephen and the bear, because they both did very well) for TV.
After that there was a very long pause where the band just played for us. Then the next odd pair to come out was Carly Rae Jepson and this old guy (whom I later learned the name was Harvey Keitel) both performing her hit song “Call Me Maybe” while stage people (poorly) shot T-shirts into the audience with T-shirt cannons. I don’t really like that song so this part I didn’t enjoy very much, though it was interesting how Carly had young girl back-up dancers and Harvey had middle-aged men back-up dancers, as if to contrast each other. Then a movie on autism education was shown. After that, the next pair to come out were ex-lovers: Paula Deen (newly slimmed down) and Butter (a guy in a stick of butter costume). In a slightly awkward bit, Paula and Butter were getting cozy with each other when all of a sudden Broccoli (a guy in a broccoli costume) stormed onto the stage, started arguing with Butter and got into a fight with him over Paula. It got funny towards the end, then mind-blowing when Jon revealed who were the men in the costumes: Kevin Bacon (Butter) and Liev Schreiber (Broccoli). Now THAT was cool.
The auctioneer came back out to auction off more lots, with Seth Rogen joining him. Seth said that the next lot involved him, and the lucky bidder would get to join him in going Number Three in the Beacon Theatre urinals. Cue in “Okay … ” thought in everyone’s mind. But evidently some people were really into that, and Seth suggested that this prize was probably more suited for a man, so men went to town bidding, and eventually became stalemated between two men. Then the same thing that happened with Tina and Amy happened again when the auctioneer asked if the two men would be willing to bid $18,000 each, which they both agreed to, and Seth, noticing that one of the men had his young son with him, suggested that the boy join them. So the winning bid came to a combined sum of $36,000, and the two men and boy came onto the stage to join Seth in a quick snack of asparagus and Gatorade. Then, with cameras following them and all of us watching them, all four walked down the stairs to the men’s bathroom and (tastefully) relieved themselves, while one patron was unexpectedly caught off-guard (to lots of laughter), and then Harvey Keitel nonchalantly walked out of the toilet stalls, with Paula Deen following behind him shortly as Seth and the others washed their hands. It was quite a sight to be privy to, and, I’m sure, a very unique experience for the men and boy involved.
Before the auction of Lot #6 began, Louie C.K. came out to help out the auctioneer. The next prize was having Eminem provide your outgoing message on your phone, and a man placed a winning bid of $19,000. The next lot was kind of a biggie: having Al Pacino join you and your family for a holiday photo. But for some reason, the bidding went up to $24,000 before reaching an impasse. And Louie was trying to get people to bid higher (“It’s freaking Al Pacino, for God’s sakes!”). Then HE decided to jump into the ring by bidding $25,000 himself, as if in a ploy to try to get people to bid higher. Of course, that seemed to blow up in his face because nobody ventured to bid higher, not even the man who put in the latest bid who was sitting in the mezzanine section where I was. Then, again, somebody walked up to the auctioneer, whispered something in his ear, and then he turned to the last bidder and asked him if he would be willing to share the bid with Louie, which he agreed to, to some degree. It somehow ended up with Louie bidding $25,000 and the man in the mezzanine bidding $20,000, but both would each get a holiday photo with their family and Al Pacino. It seemed a bit redundant for Louie, already a big star himself, to take part in the auction … but hey, if he’s willing to pay $25,000 out of his own pocket for charity, especially for autism, I’ll let it slide. The next lot to be auctioned off was a walk-on role on ‘The Big Bang Theory’ for one lucky winner and a guest to tag along, which went to a man for $22,000, and with that, the second part of the auction ended.
There was another long pause with the band entertaining us, then a guitarist (whom I later learned was Tom Morello) and a group of dapperly-dressed young college-aged men (whom I also learned were the Whiffenpoofs, a male a cappella group from Yale) came onto the stage and started performing a song (that I had no idea of the name of) a cappella with the guitarist accompanying them. I usually love a cappella, having many friends who perform in a cappella groups both when we were in college and now in our adult lives, but … I don’t know … there was something about the song that rubbed me the wrong way, but I’m sure that if I saw them performing a different song that I knew, I’d enjoy it, but this performance was just off for some reason, it’s a bit hard for me to explain. Then Jon checked back with Tina, Amy and their new “BFFs”; they were brought back out at the table that they’d sat at earlier, and they were still sipping at their wine glasses. Tina or Amy (I forget who, I wanna say Amy, but I’m not sure) said that they were “a little drunk”, and they were just having such a fun time and getting along so well with their new friends. Jon deemed that a good sign and sent them on their way back to their girl’s night out (the table being wheeled off stage again) and said that we would check back on them again near the end of the show.
Now…the next part was just so heart-warming and tearjerking at the same time. Another movie was shown, and it was about a young autistic girl named Jodie DePiazza who, when she was first diagnosed, could not communicate verbally very well and often threw tantrums when something didn’t go her way or she didn’t understand something. It was mostly made up of home videos with interviews of her parents interjected in-between. It showcased her journey from being non-verbal to being more self-assured and verbal and a much more confident young lady thanks to therapy, autism programs and loving support. And another part of what helped her was focusing on her musical talent for playing the piano and singing in her local church. That, in a way, helped to unlock her potential. It was so sweet. Then … the highlight of the show happened. The lights came up on her sitting at a piano on stage … with Katy Perry standing next to her, and they started singing a ballad version of Katy’s hit “Firework” together, with Jodie providing the accompaniment. It was just such a beautiful moment and so wonderful to see a young girl performing her favourite song with her favourite singer, and it’s just such a fitting song too. I got misty-eyed, but I wasn’t the only one: there were very few dry eyes in the house at that moment. When they were done, they received a well-deserved standing ovation, and Jodie wrapped her arms around Katy’s waist in a tight hug, and Katy stroked her head. I love Katy Perry more now. What nearly put me over was Jon: sometimes I glanced at him during the performance, and he was crouched on the ground and watching the performance with such a look on his face that I can’t really describe, and when Katy and Jodie left the stage and he came back to do more hosting, his voice was cracking a bit when he spoke and I could see, even from my faraway location, that he was in tears from the experience. It was so gratifying to see how touched Jon was.
The last movie of the night was shown, which was focused on Project Search, a one-year school-to-work program that helps autistic teenagers who are about to leave high school make successful transitions from school to adult life by helping to get them internships in the job market and improving their confidence, social skills and helping them learn new abilities that will hopefully lead them to a real job. It made me think of my own brother, now 24 and what we had to go through to get him the two part-time jobs he has now, so it made me happy to see that there are programs like this that are beginning to take shape to help autistic teenagers. Then Jon came back and talked about how one in 88 children and one in 54 boys are diagnosed with autism every year now, and how there are not enough schools and services needed for this number and for children growing into teenhood. But he said, with our help and generosity, the NoTMS can create employment programs that teach teens with autism the basic employment, social and life skills they need to leave high school and get a job in an effort entitled Train Our Teens, and this ended up being the ninth lot of the night, which basically consisted of Jon asking people to stand up and pledge to donate a certain amount of money for this effort. He started with $10,000 and went down to $1,000, and whenever he called out a certain amount, anybody who was able and willing to pay that amount would stand up, and volunteers would come to where they were sitting with donation forms for them to fill out. My parents and I didn’t stand up, but I’m sure that we’ll make our contribution to them soon enough. It was great to see so many generous people offering to donate a lot of money.
After that, Jon introduced Robert Smigel, another person who’s very much a driving force behind NoTMS who is the voice and puppeteer behind Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who has a son with autism named Daniel and is also the man who worked with Stephen and Steve Carell on ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo’ on SNL and the reason why Stephen also supports and helps out at this event every (two) years. He mostly thanked a list of people for making the event possible in the first place, including us the attendees. He especially had a lot of praise for Jon, and deservedly so. Then he left and Bill Burr took the stage to do a stand-up bit. He was enjoyable. After that, Amy, Tina and the two women bidders walked out on stage and Jon asked them how their evening went, which, according to them, went very well. Then they showed some photos that they’d taken during their whole evening, which were numerous and humorous (like getting into a gang fight, doing cocaine in the back of someone’s truck, having a girly talk right in the middle of the street and lots more, as well as backstage pose shots with some stars like Chris Matthews). At that point, Amy and Tina hugged the two women goodbye and they went back to their seats.
The penultimate pair of the night was an interesting one, and not one of my favourites: two girls from the Jersey Shore show (I remember one of them being J-Woww, but I don’t know the name for the other one) and Governor Chris Christie (which, thankfully, turned out to be a guy impersonating Chris Christie). Yes, I thought the same thing too. “Chris” were trying to tout NJ’s best qualities and explaining how Jersey Shore does not do any justice to it, and he and the girls ended up trading insults with each other. I’ll never care for Jersey Shore (thank god it’s been cancelled) and Governor Chris Christie (even an impersonator), so I didn’t care too much for this bit. Though I guess I have to give them some props for helping out, as long as it was not a publicity stunt.
Jon came back out and thanked us all for being a wonderful audience and for helping out for a great cause, and he brought out the auctioneer one more time to auction off one more lot, probably the biggest of them all: having legendary rock star Sting serenade you with one of his songs. One more fierce bidding battle ensued, and a man by the name of Paul Repp put down the winning bid of $25,000. He was brought onto the stage and Sting, along with a bunch of the cast of NoTMS (including Jodie) singing back-up, sang a tweaked version of his hit song “Roxanne” by replacing “Roxanne” with “Paul Repp”, and that was the finale of the night. With that, the show and taping ended at 10:30pm sharp, everyone filed off the stage, we filed out of the theatre, and my parents and I made our long trip back to NJ.
I was very happy to be able to attend this event and to help out for a cause that’s very dear to my heart, and my parents and I had a good time in general. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this reporT (even with the lack of Stephen face-time), and please remember to watch ‘Night of Too Many Stars’ on Comedy Central on October 21st at 8PM and donate to autism program! Every little bit helps!
Event ReporT: Night of Too Many Stars.
Hubster Anais0509 has sent us this wonderful “Event ReporT” of her trip to the October 13th, 2012 taping of “Night of Too Many Stars” hosted by Jon Stewart at the Beacon Theatre, New York.
Wow. What. A. Night. If only more of you could have been able to attend it. Just to shed a little light on how my attendance to this awesome event came about (if you will allow some indulgence on my part), my younger brother, Alexandre, has autism, so this is a disorder that my family and I are very familiar with. And we’ve done all we can to help him out and others like him: we donate money to organizations such as Autism New Jersey, we’ve participated in autism charity walks, we wear pins through April to commemorate it as National Autism Awareness Month, my parents attend an annual autism conference, the list goes on. And this event is just another thing that unites us in this cause. We’ve been watching it since its inception, but it never occurred to us that we could actually be there in person. That is, until I became a Hubster and, through the awesome research abilities of everyone on the Hub, was notified of the possibility of getting tickets for this event. Once I got wind of how much tickets cost, it was a matter of asking my parents if they’d be interested, and they were (and, even better, were able to afford it), which made me happy.
This was all the way back in September, during the pre-sale period. Skip forward one month later, to this past Saturday. We left NJ two hours earlier so to get there early, or, at the very least, on time. We’d been sent a reminder e-mail that told us that doors would be open at 6pm and we had to be seated by 7pm so that they could start taping at 7:30pm. We arrived at the parking lot at 6:15pm, grabbed a quick slice of pizza at a nearby pizza place (as I was eating, I tried to follow the way of the Stewbeef in terms of eating pizza the right way, ‘cos as he said in a now timeless clip, “You don’t eat pizza with a f***in’ fork!” Needless to say, it was not easy. Still have a lot to learn about being a real New Yawker!), then walked the couple of blocks or so to the Beacon Theatre. I love the Beacon Theatre. It’s one of my favourite theatres to go to. The last time I was there was this past summer when my parents and I attended the Beach Boys’ 50th Anniversary Reunion Tour, so I was happy to be back again. I tried to get a picture of the outside, but it kept coming out bad. Thankfully, my mum’s better at taking photos than I am so she took this beauty for me:
We got inside and freshened ourselves up before heading to our seats. We’d splurged on $200 seats in the mezzanine, row C, near the center. Pretty decent seats, if I do say so myself. We had a good view of the stage, and the entire mezzanine section was flooded with stage lights ‘cos I guess that sometimes they would be filming from the stage up in order to get a shot of the audience so they wanted to make sure that we’d be seen (lucky us). Of course, that made it difficult to take pictures from where I was, but I tried my best. I took this picture of the awesome 3D backdrop of the stage:
Sadly I didn’t think to take pictures of the rest of the theatre ‘cos I was chatting with my parents and admiring the architecture. That’s my favourite part of the whole theatre. It’s like you stepped into a time machine and are immediately awash in neo-Grecian artwork, sculpture and gold galore. I was also seriously fangirling over the idea of seeing both Jon and Stephen in the flesh, and wondering what either of them had in store for the night.
At around 7:15pm, an announcer announced the appearance of a warm-up stand up comic named Jerry Logan (whom I later learned was his real name Jared). I’d never heard of him before, and I guess they’d employed him to entertain us while they were finishing setting things up, but he was funny and we enjoyed him. He was on for about 10 minutes, then he left the stage and the on-stage band played “All Right Now” and “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” to entertain us more. The lead singer was pretty good. Finally, at 7:30pm on the dot, the stage manager announced that we were going on in 30 seconds. Cameramen scurried into place, the musicians positioned themselves over their instruments, the lights dimmed a little and we the audience settled ourselves into our seats. We could actually hear someone counting down. Once “One!” had been uttered, the musicians started playing, and the live taping began.
* MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. THE REST OF THIS REPORT CONTAINS SEVERAL JUICY SPOILERS. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SURPRISED AND WOULD RATHER WAIT UNTIL OCTOBER 21ST TO WATCH THE BROADCAST ON COMEDY CENTRAL, CEASE READING THIS REPORT RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.*
The announcer announced Jon, and he came onto the stage. This is the very first time I’ve ever seen Jon in person, so I was super thrilled at this chance to see him live. He started by thanking us for coming and supporting this event and the cause it was fighting for, and inserted a few facts and comments about autism. You can see right from the very beginning just how invested into this cause he is (and Stephen too), which means a lot to me, my family and everyone else affected by autism. He was also a fantastic host and just seemed really in his element.
After some more talking, he brought on the first star of the night, which was Tommy Hilfiger, and he came onto the stage with an entourage of models in TH garb and one of them had a dog with her that was wearing some kind of strange doggie outfit (I’m not sure what to call it). Tommy started talking for a little bit, but then he was interrupted by none other than Derek Zoolander, a.k.a. Ben Stiller as his narcissistic, dimwitted model character from the movie ‘Zoolander’. He told the models to leave and started sharing ‘barbs’ with Tommy because he saw him as ‘competition’ (even though Tommy and Jon both kept telling him that that was not the case with this event). After some terrible word misuses and puns (and constantly being corrected by Jon), in preparation of the coming Mayan Apocalypse in December, he unveiled his new End of Syphilisation 2012-2013 Zoolander Calendar, featuring him posing against backdrops of post-apocalyptic landscapes. This part was actually funny for me, as I couldn’t get past the first 20 minutes of Zoolander before giving up on the absolute stupidity of his character. He also had two very buff models come out modeling briefs with the Night of Too Many Stars logo placed in a very strategic spot as another item he was selling. Mind you, I was drooling a little bit, but primarily with the upper half ‘cos that’s what I’m most attracted to. After Zoolander had made his pitch, he and Tommy left the stage, and Jon also left, but not for long. He soon came back with the stage manager, talking about something. This is what would happen frequently throughout the night: there would be gaps between taping when Jon would consult with the stage manager who would then tell him where to stand on the stage for the next bit, and then the band would play a little ditty before the lights were turned back on Jon and the taping would continue. It was interesting for me and my parents to see how this whole thing was done behind scenes after years of watching it on TV.
The next celebrity that Jon called out was a man by the J.B. Smoove, whom I can honestly say I have never heard of before (I actually thought his last name was “Smooth” when I first heard it), nor know what he does. He told a few stories and made his pitch on his contribution to NoTMS which is the full set of ‘Game of Thrones’ with commentary by him and Tracey Morgan. Then a montage of various GoT clips was shown on the screen with Smoove and Morgan shown in a tinier box in the corner providing commentary. This bit was less amusing for me, but some people found it funny.
After Smoove, Hannibal Buress came on and did some stand-up, which was funny. Then a short clip that showcased a few autism programs that are benefited by NoTMS was shown. Several times whenever an organization or a person being interviewed was shown on the screen, people would cheer or whoop from around the theatre, probably people who know them personally or who work or have worked at those places. NOW … what happened afterwards completely blew my mind and every other part of my being away, because I never expected it in a million years. Jon came back out and talked about how this event was about bringing together rivals, ex-spouses and people of different points of view. Then he demonstrated his point by bringing out … *drum roll* … Chris Matthews and Bill O’Reilly! Two of the most opposite-minded people in the news world on the same stage sharing breathing space. I was completely in shock. And, just to interject, O’Reilly is GIGANTIC compared to Jon. Jon was practically dwarfed by him. And they (I mean Chris and Bill) actually had a civilized exchange, albeit with some choice barbs at each other, but no malice involved, which was kind of refreshing to see. I still can’t stick O’Reilly, but I could manage him for the amount of time he was present. Then the next thing that happened pretty much blew me out of my seat: CNN’s John King came out along with some stage people pulling out a desk, some chairs and LOTS of helium-filled balloons. The three of them sat down at the desk, and, as King moderated, O’Reilly and Matthews began having a debate with each other … while on helium. They had to debate while sucking helium from the balloons, and they could only speak in helium voices. Seth Rogen then came out (while munching on a bag of chips) and sat down on the floor in front of them as the official “helium spotter”, meaning he was responsible for making sure that the two men were constantly on helium. There was only one word to describe it: hilarious. Matthews did very well on the helium, but O’Reilly had a bit of trouble. Either he wasn’t sucking the helium correctly, or he was trying not to inhale it on purpose, whatever the reason, his voice didn’t sound like it should when on helium. But it was still funny. I was laughing really hard from the whole thing. The best part was glancing at Jon on the side from time to time; he was rocking back and forth and trying not to fall over from laughter. Nobody was deemed a winner, but I think for this kind of event, nobody really cared. It was all in good fun and for charity.
After that spectacle came out the auctioneer, a (rather cute) British man by the name of Guy Mitcherson, to start auctioning off the first lots of the night, and J.B. Smoove came back out to help out. The first lot (I guess that’s the term for auction pieces or prizes or whatever) to be auctioned off was receiving the newest Apple gadgets that will come out within the next year starting that very night, including the current new iPhone 5. The lucky winner, a woman, won it with a bid of $20,000. The next lot was a visit of the “Breaking Bad” set for one person and a guest. A man cast the winning bid of $22,000. One man near where my parents and I were sitting was so close, but lost. I noticed throughout the evening how the auctioneer would primarily seek out bidders sitting in the orchestra section, but would look up if someone from the mezzanine or balcony called out a bid. I suspect that that’s because the richest people were mainly in the orchestra, considering that those seats were going for $600 or more. And believe me, by the looks of the people who won the lots, they have money. The third lot was a live script reading of the upcoming new season of “The Simpsons” by the actual Simpsons cast members for four people (meaning the winner and 3 guests), which went to a man for $13,000. And then for lot #4, Jon brought out Amy Poehler and Tina Fey to immense cheers, where it was announced that they would be auctioning off the chance for a lucky winner to spend an entire night (that night, to be exact) with Tina and Amy as their “new BFFFTN” (Best Friend For The Night – that’s my personal acronym, nobody actually said that). And they specified that this prize was probably preferable for a woman. A ferocious bidding battle ensued, ultimately culminating with two women vying for that prize, but were wavering at $37,000. At some point, someone came out to the auctioneer and whispered something into his ear, and then the auctioneer addressed the two women and asked them if they would both be willing to contribute $36,000 each and then BOTH would be able to spend the night with Amy and Tina. The two women agreed and thus Tina and Amy’s friendship was auctioned off for a staggering combined sum of $72,000. The two ladies were brought onto the stage where they were hugged by Tina and Amy, and then all four of them sat down at a pre-prepared table set with four glasses of wine, and they were all carried off to the side chatting with each other as if they’d known each other forever, and that ended the first auctioning period of the evening. Then a movie on Have Dreams, an organization that focuses on after-school activities for children with autism to help them improve their abilities to learn, function independently and socialize was shown.
NOW … comes the best part. Jon came back on and talked again about the evening was about pairs, and the next pair coming out was just such a pair. And out came out … STEPHEN(!!!) … with a bear (technically an actor in a bear suit, but for comedic intents and purposes, let’s pretend it’s a real godless killing machine). A funny routine ensued with Jon being gratified but a bit puzzled to see Stephen with a GlKM, and Stephen explained that he was willing to do anything to help autism programs, even if it meant doing it with a “liberal” bear (as was the case with this bear, as he pointed out). And he added that to further prove that he and the bear were comfortable with each other, he was showing solidarity by lathering salmon over his body, placing nuts and berries in his jockstrap, and spritzing on essence of female bear around his neck (this part he did in person). Now, of course, as we and Jon know, this isn’t exactly a good idea, especially when the bear looked like he was being overcome by his bear nature when Stephen revealed these juicy little details. But Stephen, dear Stephen, didn’t realize this, and he continued on with his and the bear’s contribution to the show which was a Sondheim Medley, starting with “One Hundred People” from ‘Company’. That bit didn’t get very far, unfortunately, because the bear then finally couldn’t fight it back anymore and attacked Stephen, resulting in his arm being torn off. Then a guy dressed up in a ranger outfit rushed out onto the stage and tried to shoot the bear, but wound up shooting Stephen instead and he collapsed to the floor, and Jon rushed to his side to see if he was all right while the bear just stood aside. Sounds like an oddly romantic setting for a fan fic, don’t you think? Then when Jon told the camera that the show would be right back, Stephen stood up smiling, saying he was okay, and waved to us with the remaining one hand before leaving the stage, with the “bear” following behind. I was a little sad that Stephen wasn’t on for very long, but at least I got to see him! Then the stage manager walked up to Jon and whispered something to him, and he started giggling. He told us that, evidently, the cameramen had been caught off guard with the ranger running out and firing the gun and they jerked the camera, so they brought the ranger guy back out and had him mime shooting the gun while standing still before he left again, and Jon said that, through the magic of TV, it will all look seamless when it gets broadcast on October 21st. We all found it hilarious how the cameramen had been surprised and needed to redo just that little bit again (without Stephen and the bear, because they both did very well) for TV.
After that there was a very long pause where the band just played for us. Then the next odd pair to come out was Carly Rae Jepson and this old guy (whom I later learned the name was Harvey Keitel) both performing her hit song “Call Me Maybe” while stage people (poorly) shot T-shirts into the audience with T-shirt cannons. I don’t really like that song so this part I didn’t enjoy very much, though it was interesting how Carly had young girl back-up dancers and Harvey had middle-aged men back-up dancers, as if to contrast each other. Then a movie on autism education was shown. After that, the next pair to come out were ex-lovers: Paula Deen (newly slimmed down) and Butter (a guy in a stick of butter costume). In a slightly awkward bit, Paula and Butter were getting cozy with each other when all of a sudden Broccoli (a guy in a broccoli costume) stormed onto the stage, started arguing with Butter and got into a fight with him over Paula. It got funny towards the end, then mind-blowing when Jon revealed who were the men in the costumes: Kevin Bacon (Butter) and Liev Schreiber (Broccoli). Now THAT was cool.
The auctioneer came back out to auction off more lots, with Seth Rogen joining him. Seth said that the next lot involved him, and the lucky bidder would get to join him in going Number Three in the Beacon Theatre urinals. Cue in “Okay … ” thought in everyone’s mind. But evidently some people were really into that, and Seth suggested that this prize was probably more suited for a man, so men went to town bidding, and eventually became stalemated between two men. Then the same thing that happened with Tina and Amy happened again when the auctioneer asked if the two men would be willing to bid $18,000 each, which they both agreed to, and Seth, noticing that one of the men had his young son with him, suggested that the boy join them. So the winning bid came to a combined sum of $36,000, and the two men and boy came onto the stage to join Seth in a quick snack of asparagus and Gatorade. Then, with cameras following them and all of us watching them, all four walked down the stairs to the men’s bathroom and (tastefully) relieved themselves, while one patron was unexpectedly caught off-guard (to lots of laughter), and then Harvey Keitel nonchalantly walked out of the toilet stalls, with Paula Deen following behind him shortly as Seth and the others washed their hands. It was quite a sight to be privy to, and, I’m sure, a very unique experience for the men and boy involved.
Before the auction of Lot #6 began, Louie C.K. came out to help out the auctioneer. The next prize was having Eminem provide your outgoing message on your phone, and a man placed a winning bid of $19,000. The next lot was kind of a biggie: having Al Pacino join you and your family for a holiday photo. But for some reason, the bidding went up to $24,000 before reaching an impasse. And Louie was trying to get people to bid higher (“It’s freaking Al Pacino, for God’s sakes!”). Then HE decided to jump into the ring by bidding $25,000 himself, as if in a ploy to try to get people to bid higher. Of course, that seemed to blow up in his face because nobody ventured to bid higher, not even the man who put in the latest bid who was sitting in the mezzanine section where I was. Then, again, somebody walked up to the auctioneer, whispered something in his ear, and then he turned to the last bidder and asked him if he would be willing to share the bid with Louie, which he agreed to, to some degree. It somehow ended up with Louie bidding $25,000 and the man in the mezzanine bidding $20,000, but both would each get a holiday photo with their family and Al Pacino. It seemed a bit redundant for Louie, already a big star himself, to take part in the auction … but hey, if he’s willing to pay $25,000 out of his own pocket for charity, especially for autism, I’ll let it slide. The next lot to be auctioned off was a walk-on role on ‘The Big Bang Theory’ for one lucky winner and a guest to tag along, which went to a man for $22,000, and with that, the second part of the auction ended.
There was another long pause with the band entertaining us, then a guitarist (whom I later learned was Tom Morello) and a group of dapperly-dressed young college-aged men (whom I also learned were the Whiffenpoofs, a male a cappella group from Yale) came onto the stage and started performing a song (that I had no idea of the name of) a cappella with the guitarist accompanying them. I usually love a cappella, having many friends who perform in a cappella groups both when we were in college and now in our adult lives, but … I don’t know … there was something about the song that rubbed me the wrong way, but I’m sure that if I saw them performing a different song that I knew, I’d enjoy it, but this performance was just off for some reason, it’s a bit hard for me to explain. Then Jon checked back with Tina, Amy and their new “BFFs”; they were brought back out at the table that they’d sat at earlier, and they were still sipping at their wine glasses. Tina or Amy (I forget who, I wanna say Amy, but I’m not sure) said that they were “a little drunk”, and they were just having such a fun time and getting along so well with their new friends. Jon deemed that a good sign and sent them on their way back to their girl’s night out (the table being wheeled off stage again) and said that we would check back on them again near the end of the show.
Now…the next part was just so heart-warming and tearjerking at the same time. Another movie was shown, and it was about a young autistic girl named Jodie DePiazza who, when she was first diagnosed, could not communicate verbally very well and often threw tantrums when something didn’t go her way or she didn’t understand something. It was mostly made up of home videos with interviews of her parents interjected in-between. It showcased her journey from being non-verbal to being more self-assured and verbal and a much more confident young lady thanks to therapy, autism programs and loving support. And another part of what helped her was focusing on her musical talent for playing the piano and singing in her local church. That, in a way, helped to unlock her potential. It was so sweet. Then … the highlight of the show happened. The lights came up on her sitting at a piano on stage … with Katy Perry standing next to her, and they started singing a ballad version of Katy’s hit “Firework” together, with Jodie providing the accompaniment. It was just such a beautiful moment and so wonderful to see a young girl performing her favourite song with her favourite singer, and it’s just such a fitting song too. I got misty-eyed, but I wasn’t the only one: there were very few dry eyes in the house at that moment. When they were done, they received a well-deserved standing ovation, and Jodie wrapped her arms around Katy’s waist in a tight hug, and Katy stroked her head. I love Katy Perry more now. What nearly put me over was Jon: sometimes I glanced at him during the performance, and he was crouched on the ground and watching the performance with such a look on his face that I can’t really describe, and when Katy and Jodie left the stage and he came back to do more hosting, his voice was cracking a bit when he spoke and I could see, even from my faraway location, that he was in tears from the experience. It was so gratifying to see how touched Jon was.
The last movie of the night was shown, which was focused on Project Search, a one-year school-to-work program that helps autistic teenagers who are about to leave high school make successful transitions from school to adult life by helping to get them internships in the job market and improving their confidence, social skills and helping them learn new abilities that will hopefully lead them to a real job. It made me think of my own brother, now 24 and what we had to go through to get him the two part-time jobs he has now, so it made me happy to see that there are programs like this that are beginning to take shape to help autistic teenagers. Then Jon came back and talked about how one in 88 children and one in 54 boys are diagnosed with autism every year now, and how there are not enough schools and services needed for this number and for children growing into teenhood. But he said, with our help and generosity, the NoTMS can create employment programs that teach teens with autism the basic employment, social and life skills they need to leave high school and get a job in an effort entitled Train Our Teens, and this ended up being the ninth lot of the night, which basically consisted of Jon asking people to stand up and pledge to donate a certain amount of money for this effort. He started with $10,000 and went down to $1,000, and whenever he called out a certain amount, anybody who was able and willing to pay that amount would stand up, and volunteers would come to where they were sitting with donation forms for them to fill out. My parents and I didn’t stand up, but I’m sure that we’ll make our contribution to them soon enough. It was great to see so many generous people offering to donate a lot of money.
After that, Jon introduced Robert Smigel, another person who’s very much a driving force behind NoTMS who is the voice and puppeteer behind Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who has a son with autism named Daniel and is also the man who worked with Stephen and Steve Carell on ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo’ on SNL and the reason why Stephen also supports and helps out at this event every (two) years. He mostly thanked a list of people for making the event possible in the first place, including us the attendees. He especially had a lot of praise for Jon, and deservedly so. Then he left and Bill Burr took the stage to do a stand-up bit. He was enjoyable. After that, Amy, Tina and the two women bidders walked out on stage and Jon asked them how their evening went, which, according to them, went very well. Then they showed some photos that they’d taken during their whole evening, which were numerous and humorous (like getting into a gang fight, doing cocaine in the back of someone’s truck, having a girly talk right in the middle of the street and lots more, as well as backstage pose shots with some stars like Chris Matthews). At that point, Amy and Tina hugged the two women goodbye and they went back to their seats.
The penultimate pair of the night was an interesting one, and not one of my favourites: two girls from the Jersey Shore show (I remember one of them being J-Woww, but I don’t know the name for the other one) and Governor Chris Christie (which, thankfully, turned out to be a guy impersonating Chris Christie). Yes, I thought the same thing too. “Chris” were trying to tout NJ’s best qualities and explaining how Jersey Shore does not do any justice to it, and he and the girls ended up trading insults with each other. I’ll never care for Jersey Shore (thank god it’s been cancelled) and Governor Chris Christie (even an impersonator), so I didn’t care too much for this bit. Though I guess I have to give them some props for helping out, as long as it was not a publicity stunt.
Jon came back out and thanked us all for being a wonderful audience and for helping out for a great cause, and he brought out the auctioneer one more time to auction off one more lot, probably the biggest of them all: having legendary rock star Sting serenade you with one of his songs. One more fierce bidding battle ensued, and a man by the name of Paul Repp put down the winning bid of $25,000. He was brought onto the stage and Sting, along with a bunch of the cast of NoTMS (including Jodie) singing back-up, sang a tweaked version of his hit song “Roxanne” by replacing “Roxanne” with “Paul Repp”, and that was the finale of the night. With that, the show and taping ended at 10:30pm sharp, everyone filed off the stage, we filed out of the theatre, and my parents and I made our long trip back to NJ.
I was very happy to be able to attend this event and to help out for a cause that’s very dear to my heart, and my parents and I had a good time in general. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this reporT (even with the lack of Stephen face-time), and please remember to watch ‘Night of Too Many Stars’ on Comedy Central on October 21st at 8PM and donate to autism program! Every little bit helps!