January 14, 2013 — Piers Morgan

EPISODE NUMBER: 9043 (January 14, 2013)
GUESTS: Piers Morgan
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama – Silver Bullets & Video Games| Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama – Piers Morgan & James Yeager | Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama – Guns as Civil Rights Victims | Vitaminwater Advertising Lawsuit | Sign Off – Pocketbook Constitution
SUIT REPORT: Ghillies Suit| Black pin striped suit | Light blue shirt | Yellow patterned tie
VIDEOS: Monday, January 14, 2013 

 

Sorry to keep you waiting, folks, I was just in my underground bunker making preparations. It’s best I don’t divulge too many details because…(whispers) I am starting to suspect this place is loaded with microphones and cameras. I’ve been down in the bunker all weekend, getting ready for that dark tomorrow when jack booted government thugs come for our guns. That’s where this grilles suit comes in. Let’s say the government busts in here looking to arrest me because I am a gun owner to one of those jails where you can’t bring your gun.

 

The minute the government busts down my door, I just do this.

 

And folks you are going to want to get one of these things, and not just because it’s slimming.

Even though Stephen looked a bit like Swamp Thing in his Ghillies suit, I really enjoyed this ep. The vitriol surrounding our nation’s current gun control debate is appalling, but Stephen managed to point out that the “debate” is a pretty inflexible one, as well.

I liked Piers Morgan at the interview table. I know he is not one of our favorite CNN hosts, but he found traction on this issue of guns, and if it helps move the discourse (or stir it up at least), all the more better.

So without further adieu, here we go…

Let “Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama” begin! Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments.

Piers alluded to some pre-show antics in his tweets:

 

 

Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama – Silver Bullets & Video Games

• Tomorrow is the day Reich Marshall von Amtrak has promised to issue his recommendations for gun control.

• Did you hear that? They are taking away our silver bullets. How will we defend ourselves from werewolf bandits now?

• Sadly, people with extreme positions can often dominate this debate. But there are reasonable people on both sides trying to reasonably blame anything but guns.

• [In Les Miserables] I mean who among us did not want to shoot Russell Crowe?

• At this point, if I see a teenager coming at me with chainsaw, I’m sorry, but I cross to the other side of the street.

• Of course, video game violence is not a new problem. Who can forget in the wake of Sim City how many children took up urban planning? It was all turn in, turn on, and zone for residential use, man!

Yet, yet! When talk starts about restricting things, it’s not about video games or movies! It’s always the most innocent among us…our guns.

Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama – Piers Morgan & James Yeager

• Why? Well look no further than the media, milking tragedy for their own profit, inciting fear, instead of calmly and objectively reporting the news (holds up his Ghilllies suit) like I am.

• …my guest tonight CNN host and Matthew Perry in anaphylactic shock Piers Morgan. Like all Englishmen, he drives on the wrong side of the barrel.

• Oh, calm down, Piers! What experience does this jack-off have with guns? Their police don’t even carry them. If you want to have a debate about whistle control, I’m all ears.

• Look at the way [Morgan] ignores his guest radio host, gun advocate, and conspiracy sommelier Alex Jones and his perfectly reasonable questions.

• Answer the real question, Piers! How many chimps can dance on the head of a pin! Why can’t donkeys hang glide? How much lunchmeat can you hit with a hockey stick? It’s pointless to talk about gun control until these vital questions have been answered.

• Not entirely appropriate to shimmy during this discussion, but I saw an opportunity, and I took it.

Important point, ok? Only necessary murder. Someone endangers your family, or takes your yogurt from the break room fridge. Or through their democratically elected representatives enacts any gun control law of any kind.

• So, important, you’ve got to stretch, when the s**t goes down, you do not want to pull a hammy.

• I feel like I am in the road show of Where the Wild Things Are.

• I recommend hot yoga. When you’re mounting an armed insurrection you want your chakras open, and your butt high and tight.

Stephen Colbert’s Double Barrel Blam-O-Rama – Guns as Civil Rights Victims

• But you can’t blame guys like Yeager for being passionate, because guns are the civil rights victims of our time. It’s no coincidence that most of them are black. And that I get nasty looks when I sit down with one of them at a lunch counter.

• Standing with me is Larry Ward, founder of the first ever “Gun Appreciation Day,” which happens to be this Saturday, the same weekend as Martin Luther King Day, and that is no coincidence.

Dr. King would pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nail.

• Like Mr. Ward, Dr. King understood that the root of all oppression was a lack of fire power.

• Yes! If only America’s founders turned to the people they owned and chained into servitude and said, “here’s your gun. Use it responsibly.”

• I guess that all Larry Ward is saying that America would be a better place if George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were shot by their slaves.

• If Rosa Parks had had gun, she would not be sitting on the back of that bus. She could’ve car jacked it.

• [Ted Nugent, pioneer of the civil rights movement] In the words of the old negro spriritual, “free at last, free at last, wango tango! I’m free at last.”

Vitaminwater Advertising Lawsuit

• Longtime viewers of the show know that I love my sponsors like I love my children, if my children gave me money.

• That’s why I leap like a mother tigress if anyone attacks them.

“Oh that reminds me, got to take my meds for today.”

• C’mon we’re all adults. There’s no sun in Sunny D, or Paul Newman in Fig Newmans. Anymore.

• A “healthy body,” as long as you define “healthy” a backboard headed mutant.

• Added vitamins to crap? That is slanderous. Coca cola must counter sue and give me a call because I just had a great idea for energy bars.

“(Vitamin water has) 33 grams of sugar, which almost as much as can of coke, though according to a recent 1905 study, coca cola is “a palatable and healthful beverage.”

Interview

Stephen: At Lexington and Concord, that was the “shot heard ’round the world,” not the “debate heard round the world.”

We have a different relationship with guns than you do. We do love our guns. So how dare you tell Americans how to live their lives?

Morgan: Just quietly pointing out that in my country, where we have NO guns, we have 35-40 gun murders a year, in your country, where you have 300 million guns, you have 11-12,000 gun murders a year. I think when 20 young children get blown to pieces, America should say, “something has to be done.”

Stephen: I think that’s a cheap shot to bring up the subject we are talking about. No one wants to protect children more than I do, but fevers are running very high. We should stop and take some time before we approach this in a calm manner.

Morgan: Nonsense!

Stephen: We need to take the time, reflect, and eventually forget. And then, I don’t think we’ll have such a heated debate.

Morgan: I mean there were only 7 mass shootings in America last year. It’s very hard to start the debate when it’s “too soon.”

Stephen: That’s why we have the right to have guns, which is to keep the government from taking our guns. Have you read the Consitution?

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