July 29, 2014 — Jon Batiste & Stay Human

EPISODE NUMBER: 10135 (July 29, 2014)
GUESTS: Jon Batiste & Stay Human
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s I Need a Drink | The Sarah Palin Channel | Jon Batiste and Stay Human | Jon Batiste and Stay Human – “Express Yourself” | Sign Off – Jon Batiste and Stay Human
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Purple Checked Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Stephen Colbert’s I Need a Drink

• If you have been watching the news, you know it’s been a tough week for, let’s say humans. From battles in Gaza to Russia, shelling Ukraine to Taliban advances in Afghanistan. They’re not releasing any more new Weird Al videos.

• We are facing a situation I’ve always feared – things might actually be as bad as we make them sound on cable news.

CNN: “The world on fire. From the Middle East to Ukraine to Libya.”

Fox Business: “The world is on fire. Russia rocketing Ukraine. Add Israel and Gaza. Illegals flooding our border.”

CNN: “The world is a mess right now. It absolutely is.”

Fox News: “The world is burning.”

Madeleine Albright on Face Nation: “To put it mildly, the world is a mess.”

• Madeleine Albright, whose family was forced into exile by the German invasion of Czechoslovakia in 1938, says the world is a mess. For her, Nazi exile is a fond childhood memory.

• I don’t enjoy covering his kind of heart wrenching news, and neither does my network [Comedy Central]. Mounting death tolls do not move a lot of Jack Link’s Jerky. They’re just good people trying to sell some quality Sasquatch meat.

It’s my duty as a newsman to grit my teeth and bring you the major stories. And with that in mind, I bring you my new segment: I Need a Drink.

• Jimmy, I’m now ready for the big story:

Situation Room: “Intense attacks in the past 24 hours.”

Today: “More explosions in Gaza.”

CNN: “Two deadly blasts Monday. The first killing ten people, mostly children playing on this busy street.”

CNN: “Death spread all around.”

• Okay. This beer just got outgunned. *Open a bottle of Jack Daniels* All right. Let’s do this. What else you got in the old news hopper?

CNN: “A troubling escalation infighting in Ukraine.

Fox News: “Russia is directly, directly attacking Ukraine with deadly force.”

CNN: “Fierce fighting near the wreckage of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17.”

• Ha-haaaa, they’re fighting near the site of last week’s plane crash which I had almost managed to forget about.

Fox News: “Taliban gunmen stopped three mini buses Friday and simply shot 14 passengers to death.”

• Let’s move on from the international stories. How about some science stories? They cure any big diseases lately?

CNN: “This is the largest Ebola outbreak we’ve ever seen in history.”

• So to recap, everything is the worst, and we’re all going to be sad forever. At least we have Hollywood to distract us.

Early Today: “Famed Hollywood and Broadway star Elaine Stritch has died.”

• F*** that. […] Let’s go to the hard stuff. This alcohol iso-propriate.

• Well, that concludes “Stephen Colbert’s I Need a Drink,” which for the record did not work. Either this booze is broken, or the news is too sobering.

The Sarah Palin Channel

• That’s enough death and destruction. Let’s turn to something that evidently will never die and cannot be destroyed – Sarah Palin.

• I’ve always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She’s a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. In the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took time to help out a struggling senior [John McCain] with severely impaired judgment.

• And this week, in her continuing quest to remind America of her existence, Palin announced a new project.

Sarah Palin: “Hello and welcome to a new project. This is a news channel that really is a lot more than news. Are you tired of the media filters? Well, I am. I always have been, so we’re gonna do something about it. We’re gonna make this easy too. You can watch our channel right there on your computer, tablet or even on your smartphone. We’ll talk about the issues that the mainstream media won’t talk about and we’ll look at the ideas that — mmm — I think Washington doesn’t want you to hear.”

• Yes, the all Sarah Palin channel! It’s exactly what she’s always done, only — mmm — nothing else.

• It’s 24-7 Palin-tainment streamed right to your phone, with the help of “Tapp,” which it turns out is a media company and not, as I first assumed, the name of one of her children.

• And like the woman herself, the Sarah Palin channel is all about Sarah Palin.

“We’ll also share some of the fun that goes on in the Palin household and a lot of our adventures in the great outdoors trying to just get us from point a to point b and, believe me, it is fun because it’s real life.”

• Yeah, it’s fun because it’s real life. That’s why I always tivo that exciting staring contest on The Mirror Channel.

• This channel offers you something more, by offering you less. As the site notes:

“We feel that the community would feel more secure knowing everyone watching, uploading videos and participating in the discussions and video chats was a contributing member.”

• That’s right, it’s a safe space where like-minded folks can hear things they already agree with from someone whose opinion they already know.

• A place where we Palin-heads can gather and ask the important questions. Among the most popular, apparently, is “What is your cancellation policy?”

• Because we Palin fans want to be just like her and quit halfway through our commitment.

• If $9.95 sounds too rich for your blood, sign up for my new premium web channel — “Stephen Colbert’s Angry Echo Chamber .”

• For just $9.94, it’s a community of people just like you, if you have a valid credit card. We’ll discuss the Washington issues of the day — and the issues of the night, like “Where did the sun go?”

• And Sarah Palin’s channel only takes you from point a to point b — but you can follow me all the way to point c, point d, then back to point b when I realise I left my sunglasses there.

And remember, Sarah Palin’s channel is sarapalinchannel.com, not thesarahpalinchannel.com – we bought that one today.

Jon Batiste and Stay Human

Stephen: The HBO series “Treme” was based in part on your family.
Jon: Yeah.
Stephen: Are you the one with the dragons? Is that your family?
Jon: No, we just got a field of cows, you know.

Stephen: There’s a fair amount of nudity in the “Treme”. Is there a fair amount of nudity in your family?
Jon: Well there’s a fair amount of nudity in my life, you know.

Stephen: You’re going to Jazz at us in a little while. Do I need a college professor to explain Jazz with a clove cigarette and a diagram?
Jon: You can go that route. You could do anything you like, it’s America. But i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man.

Jon: Improvisation is forever. Everybody’s always improvising. You might like reading scripts, but –
Stephen: *throws question cards and CD away*

Jon: So if you take music, I’m a Jazz musician and that’s what I wrote the music in but I draw from all styles.
Stephen: Jazz is an American art form.
Jon: Yeah.
Stephen: You say it’s global. Don’t give away our art form to the rest of the world. It’s our art form, brother!
Jon: It is, but I guess it’s okay to be closed-minded.
Stephen: It’s American-minded, not closed-minded. We cannot be open-minded anymore than we can be open-bordered.

Jon: We’re not giving it away, we’re sharing it.
Stephen: So this isn’t just social music, it’s socialism.

Jon Batiste and Stay Human – “Express Yourself”

Sign Off – Jon Batiste and Stay Human