July 31, 2013 – Emily Matchar

Intro – 7/31/13

Will Hilary Clinton run in 2016? And will Joe Biden run into a glass door?

Simon Cowell has reportedly impregnated his friend’s wife. That is shocking! Simon Cowell has a friend!?!

Bradley Manning Verdict

You know I for one always try to keep a level head, but I am enraged by thsi Bradley Manning trial. First of all, that he had a trial. Those prisoners in Gitmo must be dying to know how he wrangled that sweet deal.

The guy revealed that the United States tortures, partly through his document leak, but mostly by how we tortured him.

Even more shocking, he was also found not guilty of shooting Trayvon Martin … Evidently, no one is guilty of that one.

I think we should all be thankful for President Wilson’s forward-thinking stance on cyber crime … Fighting Al-Kaiser.

Manning is found not guilt of aiding the enemy, but he is found guilty of espionage. So then who was he spying for when he told us what the government was doing.

Oh My God! He was working for the American people! Oh my God, we’re the enemy. Makes sense we were paying his salary.

Lunch or Campaign 2016?

The White Hooooooooouuuusssssse

No amount of capping, quoting or .giffing can capture how hilariously animated Stephen was during the next two segments. I highly recommend that you watch, re-watch, and then watch them again for maximum hilarity.

“President Obama gave a major speech about the economy at an Amazon distribution centre.”

I think he chose Amazon because they’re gonna start equipping Congressmen with a ‘Buy Now’ button.

Ping! Ping!

“You can see in the picture some salad. There were no drinks in the picture so we don’t know what was served as a beverage with their lunch.”

Could I get the Cobb Salad without boiled egg, blue cheese or bacon? Oh, and instead of croutons, could I get some f***ing news?

The President’s rolled up sleeves, says I support the right to bare arms.

Chris Christie vs. Rand Paul

Rand Paul: “The people who criticise me and call me names, they’re the same people who are unwilling to cut the spending, and their ‘Gimme, gimme, gimme – give me all my Sandy money now.”

Stephen Colbert: Oh no he didn’t! No, no, no, seriously, he did not vote for Sandy Relief.

Chris Christie: “If Senator Paul wants to start looking at where he’s going to cut spending to afford defense, he should start looking at cutting the pork barrel spending that he brings home to Kentucky.”

Stephen Colbert: And, when it comes to a comment like that, the NJ Gov. wasn’t going to fuhgettaboutit.

Chris Christie: “But I don’t he would, because most Washington politicians only care about bringing home the bacon so they can get re-elected.”

Stephen Colbert: GOP_OW! Well, any response to that, Randy Paul Paul?

Rand Paul: “This is the King of Bacon, talking about bacon”

Stephen Colbert: *tssss … scorcher!* Rand Paul, you really hit south of the belt … which on Chris Christie is anywhere south of the nipples.

Stephen Colbert’s Super Coin Toss

“The new Monopoly Empire game lets players buy bog name brands like Coke and McDonalds. Games are as quick as 30 minutes. To speed thing up, there’s no more ‘Go to Jail’ command.”

That’s right, no jail. It’s faster, and teaches kids what it’s really like to work on Wall Street.

I mean it takes forever to play ‘Sorry’. Let’s make it ‘Apology Accepted’ and get on with our lives!

Who has an afternoon to hunt and peck around a Battleship board? Just put in a DVD of the movie and no one will want to play.

Interview – Emily Matchar

What’s wrong with corporatism? I mean, you get to go to work for 80 hours a week and work underneath fluorescent lights. And then when you come home you have an hour every night to weep silently over your sleeping child.