June 11, 2014 — Rob Rhinehart

Stephen devises a way to make Rob Rhinehart’s health drink Soylent both nutritious and bourbon-y.

What a delightful show! I lived in Virginia for several years and still have ties there, so from my impressions, Eric Cantor’s defeat is not entirely surprising. There are huge immigrant populations and high unemployment in Virginia, North Carolina, and the South in general, and a libertarian candidate addressing these issues and resonating with voters is not a shocker. Also, there is a perception that pols like Cantor are up there in their fancy offices in Richmond careering away in Washington, while the rest of the working folks are trying to make ends meet. I don’t think his slick primary campaign ads helped assuage that perception.

And a sterling Word as per usual! It is sad to think that there are thousands of detained illegal immigrants working for pennies, or less than even that, candy bars. It all goes back to the issue that defeated Eric Cantor: immigration. But also at work here is our robust court/prison billing system. I work in human resources and see how the court fees can become such a dominant expense in people’s lives – and the bills can rack up quickly and mindlessly.

What did you think of the guest? I have to admit, I wasn’t sold on Rhinehart or Soylent. It didn’t seem like Stephen was, either. I mean, I know we young people work and are busy and stuff, but for heaven’s sake, just cook something.

Lots to talk about. What did you think of the ep? Share in the comments.

Tonight! A huge shake up in the Republican party. You’ll never guess which middle-aged white man replaced the other middle-aged white man.

Then, big reforms to our justice system. You now have the right to remain silent, and to parrttaayy!!!

And my guest, Rob Rhinehart, wants to replace all meals with a nutrient-rich shake called Soylent. He’s people, my guest is people!!!!!

Police in Arizona arrested a man who was trying to shoot the moon with a hand gun. What an idiot; you’ve gotta wait ’til it’s full. This is The Colbert Report!

Well, Greg, for months now you’ve been fed a vicious lie that the Tea Party is dead. But it turns out – [“It’s alive! It’s alive!”]

No one saw it coming, least of all Eric Cantor, who helped create the Tea Party by stitching together dead ideas and then filling them with rage, giving it a jolt of power and then letting it loose upon the countryside, terrified of fire and science.

Who would imagine it would come back to kill its creator? Who knows who it will devour next? Daddy loves you, Tea Party. Eric bad, Stephen good!

“Oh God, we have to keep it happy. We must find it a bride!! So lifelike.”

[Sean Hayes: “A man whose Wikipedia page was about 2 lines…”] Not anymore. Ok, here we go: “Brat has enjoyed the longtime support and friendship of Stephen Colbert, who was the best man at his wedding, and who future President Brat plans to appoint as Ambassador of Bikini-Town.” And…wiki-true!

Of course, I don’t have to tell you good people that Brat is an economics professor at Randolph-Macon College. Go Fightin’ Hyphens!!

[“At least he’s hot!’] Oh yes he is. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for kicking Mexicans out of the country.

I don’t know much about that college, but all of the professors seem to be looking for other jobs.

Tortured by puns: “He said good bye while eating a ribeye. He got electorally whipped while eating NY strip. He was waylaid, eating filet. Hit in the groin with a tenderloin. He was spanked with the flank…..steak. Poor house. Porter house. London broil. Steak au poivre. Dry rub. No, no, no! Now here’s my beef with Cantor-no!”

As a former Superpac super player, who raised cash, for let’s say, political stuff. I am personally offended that the person with less money won. It violates the golden rule of politics: “He who has the gold….” — and that’s the end of the rule.

Brat’s victory was a miracle from God. You hear that, only Jewish Republican member of Congress? Oh, oh, so close, you were just one Jesus short.

And Cantor’s loss was only unexpected. It was unprecedented. It was un-exprectedented.

But now it’s Cantor who rides off into the sunset, while John Boehner remains the sunset.

Booo! No compassion for Mexi-children. Folks, I believe it is only fitting that this man was defeated on Taco Tuesday.

Let this be a lesson, Republicans. You stay away from los ilegales! Because not only can the Tea Party smell fear, they can smell cilantro.

I don’t have to remind anybody out there that America is the greatest nation on earth. Why? It’s because we have the greatest, best people on earth. There’s me, there’s you, the list goes on….but we’ve also got the greatest, worst people on earth. Because America puts more of its citizens in prison than any other nation.

“In New York City, the cost per inmate is $168,000. Though a broker will tell you that’s a pretty good deal for a 6 x 10 studio with eat-in toilet.”

[“Some immigrants…are paid with…candy bars.”] “Now I know that sounds bad, but their next Pay Day could be 100 Grand.”

“Think about it as a win-win. They come to America to steal our jobs, so we arrest them and force them to do our jobs.”

It cannot be enough to save money, prisons need to turn a profit. [Turn Sing Sing into Bling Bling.]

Joseph Shapiro/NPR: “On a typical day, about 25% of the people in county jail are there not for their misdemeanor offenses, but because they failed to pay their court fines and fees.”

It’s a great system. If a defendant can’t pay a fee, they go to jail, where they’ll rack up more room and boarding fees that they can’t pay and be penalized with more jail time, thus increasing their debt, which gives them even longer prison sentences. [aka the Debt Penalty]

“You know what they say, ‘don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time or if you don’t have a dime which is a crime resulting in more time.’”

If this guy [who stole beer] wanted to stay out of jail, he should’ve stuck to petty crime. [Like Collapsing the Global Financial System.]

Death Row inmates always request last meals, but why should they be allowed to skip out on the check. [Dine and Ash.]

Now, some may say that jailing people over their debts makes poverty a crime. If that’s true, maybe we should just cut out the middle man and put all people in jail. [Including Middle Man.] Of course, this will require new prison facilities which we can build using people who can’t pay their prison fees. Not as workers, as the bricks. I say we just stack ‘em up in a cube and leave an opening to cram more in. And then lock ‘em up and throw away whichever prisoner is the key. ‘Cause it’s the only to cover the rising cost of prison. For some reason, no matter how many poor people we throw in jail, it keeps getting overcrowded. And that’s the Word. [Debt or Prison.]

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June 11, 2014 — Rob Rhinehart

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