EPISODE NUMBER: 10125 (June 26, 2014)
GUESTS: Paul Rudd
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious – The Vast Government Soccer Conspiracy | Tip/Wag – North Carolina State Legislature & Cereal Manufacturers | Paul Rudd Pt. 1 | Paul Rudd Pt. 2 | Sign Off – So Long for Two Weeks
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | White Shirt | Purple/Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 26, 2014
Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious – The Vast Government Soccer Conspiracy
- I am pumped about Team USA’s match against Germany today. They said it could not be done, but we dug down deep and lost our game!
- But we also had Portugal win in a different game by not by a lot so…
WE’RE #2!!!! WOO!! WOO!!
- I cannot wait for the next round. Like you, I’ve been bitten hard by the soccer bug also know as Luis Suárez.
- A record 25 million Americans watched Sunday’s game against Portugal, which is what has me so worried. Americans don’t care about The World Cup. What’s wrong here? Well, if you want experts on wrongness, you want Fox Business.
- Dr. Keith, Ab-blow me:
Dr. Keith Ablow: “It’s a little too convenient when we have a president, who I contend, has it in for Americans. And we elected him cause we were fearful at the time. We better elect somebody who’s not very patriotic, cause, God, we could have terrorists attack us for being Americans. Ok, so we did that.”
- Follow me down the rabbit hole. Or as they say in soccer, follow me down the rabbit goooooaaaaal!
How often does Barack Obama run for president? Every four years. How often is there a World Cup? Every four years.
Now watch this. That doesn’t just happen, folks.
- But there’s a more sinister force at work here and as usual, it’s jazz cigarettes.
Dr. Keith Ablow: “It’s kinda strange. They’re rolling out the marijuana. They’re getting everybody high. And they’re getting everybody to watch more and more entertainment. Does that sound like perhaps – I don’t wanna be a conspiracy theory guy – but why is that?”
- Yeah, he doesn’t want to be a conspiracy theory guy, but does that sound like perhaps but why is that?
- And marijuana is clearly involved here, folks. Because you would have to be baked out of your gourd to be that paranoid.
- The hidden truth of global marijuana mind control that Dr. Ablow has uncovered is a huge relief. Because the idea of a vast government conspiracy to drug me into sedation while I watch mindless television is far less disturbing than the alternative: That I enjoy soccer.
Tip/Wag – North Carolina State Legislature & Cereal Manufacturers
Tip of the Hat, North Carolina State Legislature
- Folks, if you watch this show, you know everyone has their own point of view. Mine just happens to look over the gorgeous landscape of me being right.
- It’s never too early to start making your plans for New Year’s Eve. That’s why I run drills to stay sharp, every night at the stroke of 12:00, I chug a bottle of champagne and then weep when no one kisses me.
- Of course, this year I’m going to Clay County, North Carolina’s annual “Possum Drop”. Now for those unfamiliar with rich southern heritage, here’s what possum drop means.
“Fox News: They actually take a live possum, they put it in a box, and then they drop it.”
- No surprise, the fascist fur-scists at PETA think this event is cruel to possum kind. I assume because it keeps them from their natural possum destiny of being crushed under the tire of a Kia.
- Losing the possum drop was a blow to an ancient tradition, dating all the way back to 1990.
- I’m giving a tip of the hat to the North Carolina state legislature for saving the celebration with a new bill excluding Opossums from state wild life laws between December 23 and January 2 in Clay County, where the annual Possum Drop celebration is held.
Wag of the Finger, Cereal Manufactuerers
- A disturbing new report is upending everything we know about this complete breakfast [Graphic: buttered toast, orange juice, milk and sugar coated cereal]
“Good Morning America: We have a new medical report now with a warning for parents that fortified cereal we give our kids to give them vitamins may actually be doing more harm than good.
Fox News: Millions of children are eating cereal with unhealthy amounts of Vitamin A, Zinc and Niacin.”
- You maniacs! You over fortified them! The Trix rabbit tried to warn us. Trix aren’t for kids. And Sonny, yes, he was Coo-Coo, but coo-coo for the truth that we weren’t ready to hear.
- That’s why I’m giving a wag of my f-f-fearal … it’s begun to affect my speech.
Interview – Paul Rudd
Stephen: It sounds like it’s almost an attack on romantic comedies.
Paul: It’s not an attack on romantic comedies. And at the same time it is a bit of an homage, but as kind of … It’s a toothless attack, but a vicious homage. It’s somewhere in the middle. And then just has we’re kind of poking fun at these things that you’ve seen a hundred times, it will veer off into just weirdsville where a scene will evolve or devolve into something just bizarre that has nothing to do with anything. Much like the Transformers movie.
Stephen: Perfect! Perfect! You see?! That is how you put asses in the seats, Paul Rudd!
Stephen: I gotta tell you, when I think of Paul Rudd, the one memory that comes to mind for me is one of the first times I ever met you was … I was on the set of somebody’s TV show, you were there, and my daughter was there at age six, and she was bored, and you sang, “Oops I Did it Again” with her over and over again to keep her entertained, and my wife and I agree with her, that that might make you the nicest person on the planet. It was the sweetest thing.
Paul: That’s very nice of you to say, but in truth it was your daughter that was entertaining me.
Stephen: Oh, really? That’s also a very nice thing for you to have said.
Paul: Look, I was drunk. I barely even remember.
Stephen: See, I was wondering. Because you often come off as nice, and what I want to know is, are you an asshole who is a great actor, or are you a really nice guy who is a terrible actor?
Paul: I’ll be honest with you. I thought this was the first time we’d ever met.
Stephen: You’re a great actor.
To those of you who enjoy correcting subtitle errors, here is one from Hulu:
June 26, 2014 — Paul Rudd
EPISODE NUMBER: 10125 (June 26, 2014)
GUESTS: Paul Rudd
SEGMENTS: Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious – The Vast Government Soccer Conspiracy | Tip/Wag – North Carolina State Legislature & Cereal Manufacturers | Paul Rudd Pt. 1 | Paul Rudd Pt. 2 | Sign Off – So Long for Two Weeks
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | White Shirt | Purple/Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 26, 2014
Stephen Colbert’s Bats**t Serious – The Vast Government Soccer Conspiracy
WE’RE #2!!!! WOO!! WOO!!
How often does Barack Obama run for president? Every four years. How often is there a World Cup? Every four years.
Now watch this. That doesn’t just happen, folks.
Tip/Wag – North Carolina State Legislature & Cereal Manufacturers
Tip of the Hat, North Carolina State Legislature
Wag of the Finger, Cereal Manufactuerers
Interview – Paul Rudd
Stephen: It sounds like it’s almost an attack on romantic comedies.
Paul: It’s not an attack on romantic comedies. And at the same time it is a bit of an homage, but as kind of … It’s a toothless attack, but a vicious homage. It’s somewhere in the middle. And then just has we’re kind of poking fun at these things that you’ve seen a hundred times, it will veer off into just weirdsville where a scene will evolve or devolve into something just bizarre that has nothing to do with anything. Much like the Transformers movie.
Stephen: Perfect! Perfect! You see?! That is how you put asses in the seats, Paul Rudd!
Stephen: I gotta tell you, when I think of Paul Rudd, the one memory that comes to mind for me is one of the first times I ever met you was … I was on the set of somebody’s TV show, you were there, and my daughter was there at age six, and she was bored, and you sang, “Oops I Did it Again” with her over and over again to keep her entertained, and my wife and I agree with her, that that might make you the nicest person on the planet. It was the sweetest thing.
Paul: That’s very nice of you to say, but in truth it was your daughter that was entertaining me.
Stephen: Oh, really? That’s also a very nice thing for you to have said.
Paul: Look, I was drunk. I barely even remember.
Stephen: See, I was wondering. Because you often come off as nice, and what I want to know is, are you an asshole who is a great actor, or are you a really nice guy who is a terrible actor?
Paul: I’ll be honest with you. I thought this was the first time we’d ever met.
Stephen: You’re a great actor.
To those of you who enjoy correcting subtitle errors, here is one from Hulu: