March 25, 2013 — Junot Diaz

EPISODE NUMBER: 9074 (March 25, 2013)
GUESTS: Junot Diaz
SEGMENTS: Election of Pope Francis | History Channel’s “The Bible” | Colbert Super PAC – Ham Rove Memorial Conference Room | Sign Off – “The Bible”
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Navy & red striped Tie
VIDEOS:Monday, March 25, 2013

The audience would NOT let him start the show what with their wild cheering. “Nation, I’ve missed you.”

Great return to shows-show with an audience that seemed to express what we all were thinking: thank God the “boys” are back! Stephen jumped right into the most important story of the break: the election of Pope Francis. The religion theme continued with the “mini-series,” “The Bible.” Stephen also addressed Karl Rove’s seemingly random “jab” (no pun intended) at our fearless host’s alleged “anger management issues.” Hmmm.

Poor Junot Diaz. Love him, but that sweatshirt was thoroughly hilarious/embarrassing. Do you think Freedom University will be donning lots of FU sweatshirts? The students should show up with those at the next congressional hearing on immigration reform, right in the sights of the CSPAN cameras.

What did y’all think of this welcome back ep? Shout it out in the comments.

Election of Pope Francis

“The point is, the Lord hath Smoken. Habemus this-guyum. Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, Argentina, or as he will now be known, Pope Francis. “

• I’ve been on vacation in the Cayman Islands visiting my money. It says hi, by the way.

• As America’s most influential Catholic, the story I most wanted to cover [on my time off] was the historic conclave of Cardinals to elect a new pope, it’s like the Christian Super Bowl, but with less thanking Jesus [shows image of Tim Tebow.]

• As a broadcaster, I love this story folks, because there is no more thrilling TV than live footage of the Vatican chimney.

• Yes! WE have a new pope, me and the Reverend Al Sharpton. See you at mass on Sunday, Al.

“He is the first pope named after St. Francis of Assisi, one of the most beloved figures of all time, that is a ballsy move. It’s like choosing the name kitten falling asleep.”

• And Pope Frankie, Pope Frank here, has wasted no time reforming the Church’s image. For instance, our Pope no longer looks like he is out to crush the rebel alliance.

• As much as I like the new Pontiff, I think he may be going too far with his message of “Pope and Change.”

• No red shoes? That’s sacrilege! Now the Vatican’s fleet of flying monkeys will make no sense!

“Plus, what does he mean he wants the Church to be poor? That’s not the Catholic Church I signed up for. When I toss a saw buck in the basket on Sunday, I want production values, ok? That means marble, that means gold, that means stained glass. Because I believe religion should be like going to The Avengers. Who cares what it is about? As long it looks cool, and I can eat popcorn.”

• Let me get this straight. I’ve got to camp out overnight in St. Peter’s Square just to catch a glimpse of his Holiness, meanwhile some hooligan bambino jacks a stereo, the next thing you know he is getting his feet washed by the Pope. He’s getting a mani-Popi. I don’t get it.

“Whatever, if the new Pontiff is really going to saying mass in that prison, I’ve got one piece of advice. Your Holiness, if you don’t want end up as somebody’s punk, as soon as you get up there, you walk up to the biggest guy in the yard, and you just bless him right in the face.”

Nice WTF moment here with a rare graphics flub.

History Channel’s “The Bible”

“Because I would like to think that the one reason that there’s only one set of footprints in the sand, is because Jesus doesn’t want to go to the beach; he doesn’t want to take his shirt off.”

• And “mini-series” is appropriate, I think, because the Word of God, and the story of all creation doesn’t really have the legs to sustain an entire series. Unlike the History Channel’s Big Shrimpin’. Who could have seen the season finale coming, when they caught MORE SHRIMP?!?

• I wonder who [Roma Downey] had to sleep with to get [the part of the Virgin Mary.] Nobody! It’s called the Immaculate Audition.

• Yes, a billion is a low number. Because as the Bible says, “pride cometh before giant TV ratings.”

• All the biblical stories from the mini-series finally assembled in one book.

• Their Jesus is too hot. It does not project holiness when you cannot look at him and without saying “g*ddamn.”

• We need a Jesus who suffers like us, with a spare tire, a receding hairline, and who only came back on Easter because he heard there was chocolate.

“We need a Jesus who spends less time walking on water, and more time sitting in a baby pool drinking Franzia.”

• Lose the Aber-Christie-and-Fitch model, and give us the schlubby, broken down Jesus we can identify with.

Colbert Super PAC – Ham Rove Memorial Conference Room

• This a moving tribute to my dearly digested friend, Ham Rove, who was the chief strategist for Colbert Super PAC. You may remember our motto, “Making a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.” Last year.

• Ham picked the candidate, so it’s no surprise that a pile of lunch meat chose the white bread. (shows image of Romney.)

• Because Easter is coming up, I want everyone to make sure that the nice, juicy ham you are cutting into is not Karl Rove. There’s an easy test, before you slice into your ham, ask it if it ever put anti-gay legislation in swing state to tip the scales of the 2004 presidential election. If it answers “yes,” that could be Karl Rove.

Savoring Easter Ham Rove. “And Karl, for the next week or so to avoid any confusion with Ham Rove, please, avoid the urge to cover your face with pineapple rings. “

• In an unrelated note, Karl, if you are not doing anything this Sunday, why not come over to my house for Easter dinner? It’s a potluck, but there’s no need for you to bring a dish.

Interview

Stephen to Junot: “I want you to take this message back with you.”

Junot Diaz: This is the situation, every single immigrant we have, documented or undocumented, is a future American. That’s just the truth of it.

Sign Off – “The Bible”