March 4, 2014 – Jaron Lanier

EPISODE NUMBER: 10072 (March 4, 2014)
GUESTS: Jaron Lanier
SEGMENTS: Intro – 3/4/14 | Better Know a Geopolitical Flashpoint – Crimean Peninsula | Cold War Update – Obama’s Ukraine Response | Arizona’s Religious Freedom Bill & Steve King on “Self-Professed Gays” | Jaron Lanier | Sign Off – Shoe Answering Machine
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Light Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 4, 2014

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Intro – 3/4/14

“Tonight, Ukraine is on the brink of disaster, so things are improving. And new controversy over gay marriage. I think Jonathan is totally settling for David. And my guest, Jaron Lanier, has a new book called ‘Who Owns The Furure?’ I know one thing. It’s not people who write books. Singapore is now the worlds most expensive place to live. For the world’s cheapest place, check your clothing label.”

Better Know a Geopolitical Flashpoint – Crimean Peninsula

• Thankfully, folks, there is a new foreign policy crisis for Obama to shank.

“Ukraine officials say they are on the brink of war with Russia.” “Thousands of Russian troops have ousted Ukrainian forces and taken complete control of the key strategic Crimean peninsula.” “Crisis in Crimea.”

Yes, a crisis in Crimea. Now, like most Americans, until recently I thought Crimea was a delightful Tyler Perry character.

• Turns out, it is the most important place you don’t know jack about. Well, strap in, because Stephen Colbert’s about to get you jacked.

• Protruding southward into the Black Sea cartographers refer to Crimea as the Ukraine’s ball sack.
• Over the millenia, Crimea’s been occupied by Greeks, Romans, Mongols, Ottomans, Byzantines and even the Goths, who invaded just to piss off their parents.

• Now, Russia kept possession of Crimea until 1954 when Nikita Khrushchev re-gifted Crimea to Ukraine after a high level summit between his liver and a bottle of Stoli.
• At the time of the USSR’s collapse, the Ukraine had the third largest nuclear stockpile in the world, but surrendered all of it in a diplomatic agreement called The Budapest Memorandum, later adapted into a whimsical film by Wes Anderson.
• In the agreement, Ukraine gave up it’s nukes and in exchange, Russia promised never to use force against the territorial integrity or political independence of Ukraine.
• Tragically, it appears Ukraine diplomats forgot to call “no backsies.”

Cold War Update – Obama’s Ukraine Response

• Nation, if you watch this show, you know that I never believed that the Cold War had ended. That’s why I still wear a shoe phone and a shoe answering machine.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: “Every time the President goes on national television and threatens Putin or anyone like Putin, everyone’s eyes roll, including mine. We have a weak and indecisive President that invites aggression.”

• That old lady is right. Obama needs to immediately do something manly. Maybe a one arm push-up or carve a canoe or invade a foreign country. How about Iraq? Third times the charm.
• So, what will the President do? For the answer, let’s go straight to the leader of the Free World.

Bill O’Reilly: “Number one: There will be no military cuts. President Obama has to know that now. Number two: The Keystone Pipeline must be approved. Why? Because Russia is blackmailing Europe over energy.”

• Bill’s right. Military funding and Keystone. Obama needs to prove he’s a strong leader by giving republicans everything they’ve asked for.
• Plus, Russia’s anti-gay laws could drive their homosexuals over here.

So, to keep them out, we need a border wall with Mexico before the gays invade via Cancun, because you know they are beach people.

• Bill O’Reilly and I are not the only ones questioning Obama’s leadership. So are you.

Gretchen Carlson: “With the US facing volatile foreign policy situations in Ukraine … Brand new Gallop Poll is raising serious concerns about President Obama’s standing on the world stage. So, according to Gallop, for the first time ever, a majority of Americans say President Obama is not respected by other world leaders.”

• This poll has so alarmed me that I am conducting my own poll, so I can become more alarmed.

Go to Colbert Nation and let your click be heard.

Take the Poll Now!

Arizona’s Religious Freedom Bill & Steve King on “Self-Professed Gays”

• Folks, I am still stinging from last week’s religious liberty curb stomp by Arizona governor and last person to see Hansel and Gretel alive, Jan Brewer.
• Governor Brewer vetoed SB 1062, which would have allowed business owners to freely practice their deeply held religious belief of not selling pastry to gay people.
• This is nothing like the Civil Rights struggle of the of the 1960s. For starters, when gay marchers get hit with a fire hose THEY LOVE IT!

That’s an actual photo. Which means, I’m not a bad person!

Steve King: “It’s clear in the Civil Rights section of the code that you can’t discriminate against people base upon – and I’m not sure I’ve got the list right – but race, creed, religion, color of skin; those kind of things. And there’s nothing mentioned in there on self-professed behavior. And that’s what they’re trying to perfect as special rights for self-professed behavior.”

• Yes, self-professed behavior. Unlike race, you can’t tell somebody’s gay just by looking at them.

As far as I know, Johnny Weir is a perfectly straight wood nymph.

• Now folks, you might be asking, “What exactly does ‘self-professed’ mean?” I’ll let Steve King field this one.

Steve King: “The one thing that I’ve referenced when I say ‘self-professed’ is how do you know who to discriminate against? They about have to tell you. And are they then setting up a case? Is this about bringing a grievance or is this about a service that they’d like to have?”

• Steve King is right. These self-professed gays just want you to refuse them service so they can sue you. We’ve seen it a million times. A guy pretends to be gay. Pretends to hide it until he’s eighteen. Then he pretends to come out to his family who pretend not to understand and pretend to shun him. He moves to the city a few years later. He meets another guy pretending to be gay. They pretend to fall in love and he pretends to propose and they get fake engaged. They pretend to set a date. The man reaches out to his family. They’ve pretended to grow a lot because they’ve been watching a lot of Modern Family. They don’t pretend to pretend to understand his life, but they can see how happy he pretends to be and they give their pretend blessing. The pretend couple enters a flower shop. One pretends to want orchids, the other pretends to want hydrangea. But once they’re in the store they pretend to both love the delicate vibrance of Peruvian lilies. They approach the owner who says, “I can’t sell to you. I’m a Christian.” Then BOOM! They hit him with a lawsuit, collect millions and run off to Vegas to have hetero sex with lady hookers, as God intended. GOTCHA!
• I think what Steve King is saying, gays, is he wants you to send photos and/or videos proving to Steve King that you are gay.

Be sure to label your envelope “Campaign Contributions” so you know that he’ll read it.

Interview – Jaron Lanier

Stephen: Who does own the future?
Jaron: Well, right now, those who own the future are the ones with the very biggest most effective computers that can gather everybody’s data, analyze it better than anybody else – ’cause the computers are so big – and then use it to calculate little tiny advantages like slightly more manipulative loans then they otherwise would be able to or slightly more tricky health policies. And then over time these tiny advantages accumulate and then you get this incredible wealth and power concentration, which is the characteristic of our times.
Stephen: And you think that’s a bad thing.
Jaron: You know, I’ve benefited. I’ve done great.
Stephen: And you’ve helped create this problem.
Jaron: Oh, totally. I did, yeah. I totally did.
Stephen: Okay, you’re Frankenstein and you’ve come to warn us about your monster.

The Hub invites you to share your thoughts with us on this episode. Comment away!