March 5, 2014 – Beau Willimon

Intro – 3/5/14

Tonight, can we trust our food labels? I’m beginning to think my wild raspberry gusher gum isn’t really free range. Then, a cable re-brand. History Channel will now be known as ‘The Ferral Dirt man Network’. And, my guest tonight is Beau Willimon creator of the Netflix hit, ‘House of Cards’. You can binge watch the entire interview in six minutes and twenty seconds. Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Nice try Norway, he’s still going to invade.

Bill O’Reilly on the Downside of Woman Presidents

Just last week I broke the story that Fox News broke the story that Hillary [Clinton] suffers from a rare conditon doctors call, aging. Unlike, Republican hopeful Bobby Jindal who made a wish on a monkey paw to be twelve forever.

Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly has found yet another reason she [Hillary Clinton] should be taken out of the not yet running:

Bill O’Reilly: There’s gotta be some downside to having a women president, right? Something that may not fit with that office, correct?
Female Reporter: Mmm, I’m gonna say no, Bill.
Bill O’Reilly: Men are men and women are women, there’s a difference between the genders. […] There’s gotta be a downside to a women.”

Yeah, there’s gotta be a downside to a women president. How is she going to press the nuclear launch button? Everything in the oval office is penis activated. Its been that way since the Kennedy Administration. Plus, I don’t want to get too technical or scientific but, women sit down to pee. And if there’s a terror attack, a man could just zip up and go, while she is wasting hours sending letters in that weird little mailbox in there.

Bill O’Reilly: Look, the mullahs in Iran, they think women are like subspecies. You got a woman president of the United States and the mullah would say, “We’re not going to deal with you. We don’t like you, we don’t think you’re as good as men …

That’s right. Our president cannot be something that other countries disapprove of. We are the leader if the free world so we need to vote for whoever Iran wants.

Bill O’Reilly on the Downside of Woman Presidents

I love eating. It’s one of the top three things I do with food.

Of course I’m gonna eat the whole bag in a single sitting. Why do you think I sat down?

You can’t just suddenly change serving sizes! The only thing keeping me from polishing off an entire pint of AmeriCone Dream is knowing that it’s actually four servings. Of course I do eat the whole thing, but at least I’m getting three full servings of shame. But if the pint is two servings, that shame will kick in much later and I’ll have to eat two pints. You might as well just label everything, “F**k it”.

Some have turned on big oil companies just because fracking has been known to contaminate water supplies and cause teeny earthquakes. But these companies are good guys. Take Chevron. Recently, after causing a fatal gas explosion in Bobtown, Pennsylvania, they did the right thing.

“Chevron is trying to make amends for the deadly gas ball fire that took nearly a week to put out. The company went door-to-door in the area near the well this week handing out coupons. The coupon is for a large pizza and a two litre drink from the local pizza shop.”

Free pizza! Of course that’s for a gas ball fire. If the chemicals in your drinking water cause neurological damage, you get a Crazy Bread. So tonight I’m giving a tip of the hat to Chevron. It’s the least they could do … literally. I think it is the least they could possibly do.

STAY TUNED HUBSTERS, THERE’S MORE TO COME!!

March 5, 2014 – Beau Willimon

Intro – 3/5/14

Bill O’Reilly on the Downside of Woman Presidents

Bill O’Reilly on the Downside of Woman Presidents

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