May 19, 2014 — Sen. Elizabeth Warren

Intro – 5/19/14

Tonight, do college graduates have too much debate, or are philosopher jobs not paying what they used to? Then, is scientific research bias against women? We’ve already invented lash blast mascara. What more do they want? And, my guest Senator Elizabeth Warren is the lefts latest darling. Sorry gluten allergies, your fifteen minutes are up. A man in Tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an ATM. Even worse, he had to pay a penalty for early withdrawal.

Co-Ed Lab Rats

Frankly, I am sick and tired of hearing about equality. Equality rights for gays. Equal pay for women. Equal space for ‘Equal’.

And now Obama’s eqalicrates over at the Nation Institutes of Health are directing scientists to perform their experiments with both female and male animals. Co-ed lab rats, that’s a bad idea. You just know late at night they’re going to hook up at work, then it’s going to be awkward around the water bottle the next day.

Traditionally when scientists test drugs on mice or rats, they are usually male. Seems natural enough, the female rats are all being used to test cosmetics.

But of course, there’s another reason the female rats were left out of the experiments:

“Turns out female rats also have those pesky hormones, so to control for that variable, most researchers just study male rats.”

You gotta leave the females out. Any scientists knows its crucial to eliminate the extraneous variables, like half the global population.

Women are too complicated. That’s why they’re not allowed on boats. Their gyno pieces make the compass go crazy! Don’t believe me? Then why are their insides shaped exactly like the Bermuda Triangle? Lost a lot of good men in there. *Breaks* I want you to know I just showe admirable restraint.

Elizabeth Warren vs. Wall Street

The Dow is over 16,000. And that is a lot of Dows. I mean, to put that in layman’s terms, if you had 16,000 Dows and laid them end-to-end, that will be almost five Nasdaqs. And, I hope I don’t have to tell you what that means, because I would have to ask someone else.

Colbert Report Consumer Alert – Jerky Blaster

“A consumer alert for Cabela’s customers. The outdoor retailer is recalling 600 od these ‘Jerky Blasters’. They are used to make jerky strips and sticks. Cabela’s says the battery charger adapter can overcharge, causing it to overheat and start a fire.”

Critically important information folks. The Jerky Blaster’s battery charger adapter can overheat. Also, there is something called a ‘Jerky Blaster’.

This is the perfect gift for any hunter who has ever thought, “I just shot this animal with my gun. I wish I had a gun that shoots animal.” And folks, talk about convenience, the Jerky Blaster is cordless so it’s perfect for the outdoorsman who’s jerking on the go.

I jerk everywhere I go. I even sneak off at work and jerk my meat on lunch breaks. And on my weekends, of course, I go off with the guys on hunting trips. We shoot an animal then stand around in a circle and jerk it.

Interview – Elizabeth Warren

Stephen: One man’s law is another person’s regulation. And regulation is bad. Regulation stifles business and stiffles entrepreneurship.
Elizabeth: If we don’t have some basic rules then what happens is exactly what happened in the global financial crisis. And that is financial institutions made billions of dollars by cheating people on credit cards and mortgages.

Elizabeth: There’s been a lot of freeloading. But the freeloading has been by the biggest financial institutions who got bailed out by the American taxpayers – who broke the law and were never held responsible for it.
Stephen: What laws did they break? Name one law they broke.
Elizabeth: How about the mortgage laws that said they were supposed to follow certain rules when they foreclosed against people’s homes? And what they did, in fact, is say “We can save a lot of money if we didn’t follow the law”. They’ve actually admitted to that. But here’s the key part: nobody went to jail for any part of this. The only people in America today who go to jail are regular folks. Big financial institutions get out there, they launder drug money, they vilate the law, and still no-one is held accountable. I think that’s fundementally wrong.

Don’t forget to share your thoughts on tonight’s episode, while I work on putting the episode guide together!! “May 19, 2014 — Sen. Elizabeth Warren”, out of 5 based on 4 ratings.