EPISODE NUMBER: Season 1, Episode 41 (Tuesday, November 10, 2015)
GUESTS: Aziz Ansari | Shonda Rhimes | Bruce Campbell | Lucy Lawless
SPECIAL GUEST(S): Liam Neeson (as Mr Toffee)
SEGMENTS: Baby Hitler is No Match for Jeb! | Candy Crush: The Move (with Liam Neeson) | Aziz Ansari (& his dad, Dr. Ansari) | Shonda Rimes | Bruce Campbell, Lucy Lawless | Really Horrible Noise Sign-Off
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | White Shirt | Navy Tie
Hello Everyone! Welcome to a brand new guide. A lot went on during last night’s show. We got to see Stephen in his office. We also got to see Liam Neeson starring in his new role as Mr. Toffee, in the not so real ‘Candy Crush’ movie. The night was also jam packed with amazing guests. You definitely want to watch this episode if you missed it. Here you have it hubsters, your guide to last night’s show!
Monologue
Stephen was welcomed by a very energetic audience yesterday. Stephen started by saying how much he enjoys doing the show, and more importantly making the show. Stephen and the writers work on the monologue in his office at a around 12 in the afternoon. Stephen’s office is above Times Square, and it can get noisy sometimes, after all this is New York. Stephen can usually drown out the noises, even the Elmo fights. But, yesterday there was a rather mysterious noise coming from the city.
- But, today I gotta say New York just took it up a notch. Because an unholy wail started from the street, that sounded like a goose making love to a smoke detector.
Of course Stephen had to record this strange noise on his iPhone. As we all saw in the clip, Stephen decided to open his office window, and imitate the noise. Stephen thought maybe whales decided to beach on 53rd street, because no one had any idea what that sound could possibly be. Stephen said the sound finally stopped, but then a few minutes later something else happened. It was another mysterious noise. In the second clip Stephen imitated the noise again, and was talking to a writer about why they couldn’t write anything. Stephen suggested that maybe CBS should put cages on the windows, so that he doesn’t hurl himself out the window the next time this happens. Stephen never found out what the noise was, but maybe God had something to do with it.
- Now I never found out what that sound was. I could only assume it was the end of the world, and this is being broadcast right now to a charred hell scape roamed by the damned. Either that or God was playing the largest crystal wine glass ever.
Baby Hitler is No Match for Jeb!
Stephen then started off by thanking us for watching, because he knows that the Republican debate was on as well. Stephen hasn’t seen the debate yet, because they tape the show early, but really no one should make him watch it. Stephen tells us that this debate is important for Jeb!, because he has had some trouble showing he can be a strong leader. Jeb answered a question on the internet earlier that day, that may have showed Jeb’s “take charge” side. The question asked was: “If you could go back in time, and kill baby Hitler, would you?” . To which Jeb responded: “Hell yeah, I would!” Stephen informs us that this is part of the basic rules of politics.
- That’s politics 101, shake the hand, kiss the baby, kill baby Hitler.
Stephen then showed a picture of baby Hitler, and asked if they could “Hitler up” the picture a bit.
- Look at those evil little cheeks. Who’s the greatest monster of the 20th century? You are. Uncle Jeb’s got something for ya, stabbity, stab, stab.
Of course time travel has it’s consequences. Like Jeb, we all learned this from those Michael Fox movies, you know, Back to the Future. But, Jeb claims he would still do it, cause it is Hitler. Stephen also warns us of the dangers of time travel, do you remember Wolfgang Meinhardt?
- Remember German Reich Marshall Wolfgang Meinhardt? No, of course you don’t, cause someone went back in time and killed him as a baby preventing World War 1 1/2, and yet World War 2 happened anyway.
Stephen stresses the importance of this question in the debate last night. After all, we have to be able to trust the next president with the use of “Time Force One”.
- You want a trustworthy leader at the helm of Time Force One. Someone who will use it responsibly, and not waste it on taking Jesus on a pterodactyl ride. I know it looks like fun, but we’ve got to have priorities.
Stephen tells us that Ben Carson has said he would’ve prevented the Holocaust by giving Jewish people guns. Now Stephen isn’t running for president, but he told us how he would’ve handled the baby Hitler situation.
- Now, I’m not running for president, but here’s what I would do with a time machine. I too would travel back to the time of baby Hitler. But, this is where me and Jeb’s time streams start to diverge, cause I wouldn’t kill young Adolf. I would take him from his parents, and raise him with love. Hear me out okay. I would give Hitler a safe supportive home, all the while, I would watch him like a hawk. I wouldn’t let him join anything where they have to wear a uniform. No Cub Scouts, no little league, definitely no marching band. Most importantly I would teach baby Hitler that we do not solve our problems with violence. Then, if he starts getting mouthy as a teenager, I stick a knife in his ribs, and snap off the handle. If that attack fails, and the horror of being stabbed by a person he thinks is his father, turns him into a monstrous dictator, it’s easily fixable. I just go back in time, and kill baby me. You’re welcome.
Candy Crush:The Movie (with Liam Neeson)
Do you like Candy Crush? Of course you do. This very popular game has just been sold to the company Activision- Blizzard for 5.9 billion dollars. Stephen tells us that Activision recently announced that they are creating a tv and film studio, to make movies of their popular games, for example ‘Call of Duty’. So will there be a Candy Crush movie? Stephen gives us a “sneak peak”. Liam Neeson played the dying Mr. Toffee, who has been crushed by a candy cane, or rather “candy crushed”. Stephen played his son, who now has a mission to finish the level. But, with no more lives, was faced with the difficult choice to pay 99 cents to save his father and continue, or to finish the level alone. Stephen chose to finish the level alone, and will make sure Mr. Toffee’s legacy will be known, by posting his high score on Facebook. Here are some of my favorite moments from “Candy Crushed”.
Neeson: My game is over. As people say, I’m out of moves.
Colbert: Don’t say that father. You just need to eat. Here, I brought you some lemon drops. No! I’m such a fool. I put three of them together, and they automatically disappeared.
Neeson: Now leave me. You must defeat the Bubble Gum Troll, before he reaches the Butterscotch Boulders.
Colbert: But, I can’t do that.
Neeson: You can, you must. You’ve got everything you need, skill, strategy, and my lollipop hammer.
Colbert: Oh, but father I can’t.
Neeson: Dammit boy, take it. There’s no place in this sweet world, for your salty tears.
Neeson: Oh son, I had a good life. I spent my best years crushing candy, and yes as I crushed, I would sometimes think this is a huge waste of time. I could be reading a book, or anything, but I kept on going
Neeson: Are you paying attention?
Colbert: (Playing Candy Crush on iPhone) What?, I’m sorry, what was that, go back. This level is really hard.
Interview — Aziz Ansari & Dr. Ansari
The two started off by talking about how they are both from South Carolina. Aziz pointed out that Stephen is the first late night host from South Carolina, but not the first white guy in late night. Aziz also talked about how there are not enough people of color represented on television. But, with him appearing on the show last night CBS was pretty diverse. Aziz joked that with him there, now 50% of the people on the show now were not white, and that this was probably an all time high for CBS. Stephen then mentioned all that Aziz has accomplished, including writing a book. The title of course being ‘Modern Romance’, and not ‘Modern Love’ as it was written on Stephen’s card. Looks like a white guy is getting fired for that mistake. They talked about Aziz’s new show ‘Master of None’, which is now available to binge on Netflix. Aziz casted his actual parents for the role of his parents in his show. Aziz’s father, Dr. Ansari, also joined the interview to talk about his role in the show.
Colbert: What’s the universality of ungratefulness? Because, I know what you mean by ungrateful children, when I had. How did you feel when Aziz was born? Did you feel ungrateful to your parents in any way, when you saw your son?
Dr. Ansari: Yeah, I always feel that he is going to be a good one, and that he will be grateful to me.
Colbert: Has he been grateful to you?
Dr. Ansari: Yes, yes.
Colbert: Grateful enough?
Dr. Ansari: Eh yeah … okay.
Colbert: Did you want him to be a doctor?
Dr. Ansari: I wanted him to be a doctor. But, he called me one day, and said “Daddy, I want to be a stand up comedian.” I really didn’t know, what stand up comedy means.
Colbert: Did you think maybe like a clown? Big nose, shoes, that kind of thing.
Dr. Ansari: So, he says I’ll stand up and tell jokes in front of the audience. Oh thats a job, good!
Interview — Shonda Rhimes
The all mighty Shonda Rhimes was a guest last night. She is a busy woman with her very popular 3 shows over at ABC. She talked of her love for working on the shows. Stephen understands what she means, he loves working on his show, especially when he gets to have Liam Neeson in a Candy Crush outfit. Stephen and Shonda also talked about her new book ‘Year of Yes’. In this book Shonda wrote about her journey in saying yes to doing things that she was afraid of, for example, going on a talk show.
Colbert: What were the things that scared you, that you said yes to?
Rhimes: I was really afraid of things like coming on a talk show. Usually this would’ve caused me to have a huge panic attack. I would’ve been like in tears, and wouldn’t have been able to come out here, might’ve fainted on your floor.
Colbert: Oh wow, would be good TV.
Rhimes: It would’ve been really good TV.
Colbert: If you want to just go right ahead.
They then discussed the commencement speech Shonda gave at Dartmouth. The theme of her speech was “don’t follow your dreams”.
Colbert: What did you mean about don’t follow your dreams?
Rhimes: I meant that people who are dreamers, don’t ever do the things that they wanna do. They spend their time dreaming, instead of actually just doing. The people that do, are the people that actually get somewhere.
Colbert: Right right. Uhh, you know, Chuck Close, the painter. He said inspiration is for amateurs, the rest of us show up and work.
Stephen and Shonda have something in common, which is that they are the babies of the family. Shonda is the baby of 6, Stephen is the baby of 11. They then talked about how they act helpless around their siblings, and how much they enjoy that.
Interview — Bruce Campbell & Lucy Lawless
Bruce and Lucy were on to promote their show ‘Ash vs Evil Dead’. They talked about the show, and one very important thing the show has, which is a lot of fake blood.
Colbert: How many gallons of blood do you guys go through in a season?
Lawless: Oh, buckets of blood.
Campbell: I’m having us certified by Price Waterhouse, because there is a dispute. Somebody thinks it’s about 450 gallons. I think they are about 50 gallons off , because there is one scene where I know I ate about 50 gallons. So we gotta get that worked out.
They also discussed the ways in which they get the fake blood to spray all over set, and ways they get the guts and brains to fly around as well. They all then got into another topic, which was that Lucy thinks Bruce looks like Stephen, when he puts his glasses on. Bruce and Stephen switched seats, and Bruce gave his best Stephen impression.
That was all for last night Hubsters! Hope you all enjoyed the show, and this guide. What was your favorite moment from last night? Let us know in the comment section below! Thanks for reading!
November 10, 2015 – Aziz Ansari, Shonda Rhimes, Lucy Lawless
GUESTS: Aziz Ansari | Shonda Rhimes | Bruce Campbell | Lucy Lawless
SPECIAL GUEST(S): Liam Neeson (as Mr Toffee)
SEGMENTS: Baby Hitler is No Match for Jeb! | Candy Crush: The Move (with Liam Neeson) | Aziz Ansari (& his dad, Dr. Ansari) | Shonda Rimes | Bruce Campbell, Lucy Lawless | Really Horrible Noise Sign-Off
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | White Shirt | Navy Tie
Hello Everyone! Welcome to a brand new guide. A lot went on during last night’s show. We got to see Stephen in his office. We also got to see Liam Neeson starring in his new role as Mr. Toffee, in the not so real ‘Candy Crush’ movie. The night was also jam packed with amazing guests. You definitely want to watch this episode if you missed it. Here you have it hubsters, your guide to last night’s show!
Monologue
Stephen was welcomed by a very energetic audience yesterday. Stephen started by saying how much he enjoys doing the show, and more importantly making the show. Stephen and the writers work on the monologue in his office at a around 12 in the afternoon. Stephen’s office is above Times Square, and it can get noisy sometimes, after all this is New York. Stephen can usually drown out the noises, even the Elmo fights. But, yesterday there was a rather mysterious noise coming from the city.
Of course Stephen had to record this strange noise on his iPhone. As we all saw in the clip, Stephen decided to open his office window, and imitate the noise. Stephen thought maybe whales decided to beach on 53rd street, because no one had any idea what that sound could possibly be. Stephen said the sound finally stopped, but then a few minutes later something else happened. It was another mysterious noise. In the second clip Stephen imitated the noise again, and was talking to a writer about why they couldn’t write anything. Stephen suggested that maybe CBS should put cages on the windows, so that he doesn’t hurl himself out the window the next time this happens. Stephen never found out what the noise was, but maybe God had something to do with it.
Baby Hitler is No Match for Jeb!
Stephen then started off by thanking us for watching, because he knows that the Republican debate was on as well. Stephen hasn’t seen the debate yet, because they tape the show early, but really no one should make him watch it. Stephen tells us that this debate is important for Jeb!, because he has had some trouble showing he can be a strong leader. Jeb answered a question on the internet earlier that day, that may have showed Jeb’s “take charge” side. The question asked was: “If you could go back in time, and kill baby Hitler, would you?” . To which Jeb responded: “Hell yeah, I would!” Stephen informs us that this is part of the basic rules of politics.
Stephen then showed a picture of baby Hitler, and asked if they could “Hitler up” the picture a bit.
Of course time travel has it’s consequences. Like Jeb, we all learned this from those Michael Fox movies, you know, Back to the Future. But, Jeb claims he would still do it, cause it is Hitler. Stephen also warns us of the dangers of time travel, do you remember Wolfgang Meinhardt?
Stephen stresses the importance of this question in the debate last night. After all, we have to be able to trust the next president with the use of “Time Force One”.
Stephen tells us that Ben Carson has said he would’ve prevented the Holocaust by giving Jewish people guns. Now Stephen isn’t running for president, but he told us how he would’ve handled the baby Hitler situation.
Candy Crush:The Movie (with Liam Neeson)
Do you like Candy Crush? Of course you do. This very popular game has just been sold to the company Activision- Blizzard for 5.9 billion dollars. Stephen tells us that Activision recently announced that they are creating a tv and film studio, to make movies of their popular games, for example ‘Call of Duty’. So will there be a Candy Crush movie? Stephen gives us a “sneak peak”. Liam Neeson played the dying Mr. Toffee, who has been crushed by a candy cane, or rather “candy crushed”. Stephen played his son, who now has a mission to finish the level. But, with no more lives, was faced with the difficult choice to pay 99 cents to save his father and continue, or to finish the level alone. Stephen chose to finish the level alone, and will make sure Mr. Toffee’s legacy will be known, by posting his high score on Facebook. Here are some of my favorite moments from “Candy Crushed”.
Neeson: My game is over. As people say, I’m out of moves.
Colbert: Don’t say that father. You just need to eat. Here, I brought you some lemon drops. No! I’m such a fool. I put three of them together, and they automatically disappeared.
Neeson: Now leave me. You must defeat the Bubble Gum Troll, before he reaches the Butterscotch Boulders.
Colbert: But, I can’t do that.
Neeson: You can, you must. You’ve got everything you need, skill, strategy, and my lollipop hammer.
Colbert: Oh, but father I can’t.
Neeson: Dammit boy, take it. There’s no place in this sweet world, for your salty tears.
Neeson: Oh son, I had a good life. I spent my best years crushing candy, and yes as I crushed, I would sometimes think this is a huge waste of time. I could be reading a book, or anything, but I kept on going
Neeson: Are you paying attention?
Colbert: (Playing Candy Crush on iPhone) What?, I’m sorry, what was that, go back. This level is really hard.
Interview — Aziz Ansari & Dr. Ansari
The two started off by talking about how they are both from South Carolina. Aziz pointed out that Stephen is the first late night host from South Carolina, but not the first white guy in late night. Aziz also talked about how there are not enough people of color represented on television. But, with him appearing on the show last night CBS was pretty diverse. Aziz joked that with him there, now 50% of the people on the show now were not white, and that this was probably an all time high for CBS. Stephen then mentioned all that Aziz has accomplished, including writing a book. The title of course being ‘Modern Romance’, and not ‘Modern Love’ as it was written on Stephen’s card. Looks like a white guy is getting fired for that mistake. They talked about Aziz’s new show ‘Master of None’, which is now available to binge on Netflix. Aziz casted his actual parents for the role of his parents in his show. Aziz’s father, Dr. Ansari, also joined the interview to talk about his role in the show.
Colbert: What’s the universality of ungratefulness? Because, I know what you mean by ungrateful children, when I had. How did you feel when Aziz was born? Did you feel ungrateful to your parents in any way, when you saw your son?
Dr. Ansari: Yeah, I always feel that he is going to be a good one, and that he will be grateful to me.
Colbert: Has he been grateful to you?
Dr. Ansari: Yes, yes.
Colbert: Grateful enough?
Dr. Ansari: Eh yeah … okay.
Colbert: Did you want him to be a doctor?
Dr. Ansari: I wanted him to be a doctor. But, he called me one day, and said “Daddy, I want to be a stand up comedian.” I really didn’t know, what stand up comedy means.
Colbert: Did you think maybe like a clown? Big nose, shoes, that kind of thing.
Dr. Ansari: So, he says I’ll stand up and tell jokes in front of the audience. Oh thats a job, good!
Interview — Shonda Rhimes
The all mighty Shonda Rhimes was a guest last night. She is a busy woman with her very popular 3 shows over at ABC. She talked of her love for working on the shows. Stephen understands what she means, he loves working on his show, especially when he gets to have Liam Neeson in a Candy Crush outfit. Stephen and Shonda also talked about her new book ‘Year of Yes’. In this book Shonda wrote about her journey in saying yes to doing things that she was afraid of, for example, going on a talk show.
Colbert: What were the things that scared you, that you said yes to?
Rhimes: I was really afraid of things like coming on a talk show. Usually this would’ve caused me to have a huge panic attack. I would’ve been like in tears, and wouldn’t have been able to come out here, might’ve fainted on your floor.
Colbert: Oh wow, would be good TV.
Rhimes: It would’ve been really good TV.
Colbert: If you want to just go right ahead.
They then discussed the commencement speech Shonda gave at Dartmouth. The theme of her speech was “don’t follow your dreams”.
Colbert: What did you mean about don’t follow your dreams?
Rhimes: I meant that people who are dreamers, don’t ever do the things that they wanna do. They spend their time dreaming, instead of actually just doing. The people that do, are the people that actually get somewhere.
Colbert: Right right. Uhh, you know, Chuck Close, the painter. He said inspiration is for amateurs, the rest of us show up and work.
Stephen and Shonda have something in common, which is that they are the babies of the family. Shonda is the baby of 6, Stephen is the baby of 11. They then talked about how they act helpless around their siblings, and how much they enjoy that.
Interview — Bruce Campbell & Lucy Lawless
Bruce and Lucy were on to promote their show ‘Ash vs Evil Dead’. They talked about the show, and one very important thing the show has, which is a lot of fake blood.
Colbert: How many gallons of blood do you guys go through in a season?
Lawless: Oh, buckets of blood.
Campbell: I’m having us certified by Price Waterhouse, because there is a dispute. Somebody thinks it’s about 450 gallons. I think they are about 50 gallons off , because there is one scene where I know I ate about 50 gallons. So we gotta get that worked out.
They also discussed the ways in which they get the fake blood to spray all over set, and ways they get the guts and brains to fly around as well. They all then got into another topic, which was that Lucy thinks Bruce looks like Stephen, when he puts his glasses on. Bruce and Stephen switched seats, and Bruce gave his best Stephen impression.
That was all for last night Hubsters! Hope you all enjoyed the show, and this guide. What was your favorite moment from last night? Let us know in the comment section below! Thanks for reading!