November 13, 2015 – Mark Ruffalo, John Cleese, Michael Flatley

Monologue

A deadly Avian Flu is threatening America’s favourite turkey holiday and foiling all of Stephen’s Thanksgiving cooking plans. The outbreak, which has killed “eight million turkeys this fall” has caused a turkey shortage, and as Stephen puts it, “it’s so sad to see so many turkey’s dying in a way that does not render them delicious.”

But that’s not all folks, there is also an egg shortage, causing egg prices to rise fifty percent this year. “In the face of this egg crisis, we shall not crack. As a country, we must scramble and whisk it all. Because it wont be over easy folks. And I cannot image how much those egg puns just cost me.”

Donald Trump Has a Point, Incredibly

Speaking of things that are copper coloured, Donald Trump.

In addition to reminding us all that Lindsay Graham still exists, “Donald took a big Trump right on Ben Carson, questioning Carson’s famous redemption story about how he tried to stab a friend, but was stopped by his friends belt buckle.”

Yes, in a tone suggesting that the Don is either very tired, or on the verge of completly losing it – somehow after all these years he still isn’t quite there yet. Donald Trump stagged his own crime scene reenactment, complete with belt buckle demonstration during a speech at Fort Dodge, Iowa.

Trump: “Anybody have a knife? You wanna try it on me?”

But even more shockingly, Stephen admits that Trump has a point. “Would a belt buckle really break a knife, like Ben Carson says it did? Or would it provide no protection like Trump claims?” How does one debunk such a myth? By asking the soon to be retired Mythbusters Jamie and Adam to come on ‘The Late Show’ and put Carson’s claims to the test.

Interview — Mark Ruffalo

Mark Ruffalo was so excited to be on the show, that he ran out, took his seat and grooved along to the sweet tunes of Jon Batiste and Stay Human. Stephen admitted that he so enjoyed Mark’s performance in ‘Foxcatcher’ and the films portrayal of brotherly love, that he immediately went home and wrote him a letter.

When not Hulking it up in the Marvel universe, Ruffalo is very politically involved here on Earth, fighting for clean water, calling to ban fracking and even trying to get Seantor Elizabeth Warren to run for president.

After discussing why the Hulks pants never come off – because they’re strecthy – the conversation turned serious, addressing Ruffalo’s new film “Spotlight” in which he plays Michael Rezendes, one of a team of investigative journalists for The Boston Globe, who uncovered the Massachussets Church sex abuse scandal in 2002, in which the Catholic archdiocese of Boston was involved. The film is also a celebration of long form investigative journalists, who are now, more important than ever in today’s news and media cycles.

The Furry Hat Has Some Furry Competition

Now that this hat is upon mine head, I am endowed with unquestionable power, due to my hats two main attributes, its biggness and its furryness. Any proclamations I make while wearing this hat are now and forever law.

Colbert: Let us begin.
Cleese: Not so fast, Colbert.
Colbert: John Cleese! How dare you! He who wears the big furry hat must be obeyed.
Cleese: I totally agree. From now on, wide furry hats shall be ignored. People shall obey, only tall fury hats.
Colbert: That is hat blasphemy. It is hatsphemy!
Cleese: That’s not a word.
Colbert: My hat says it is. […] It is now law that people in tall fury hats shall be locked away in a high ceiling, but very narrow cell.
Cleese: Silence! Let our hats do the talking.

Cleese: From this day forth, people shall not say “God bless you” to someone after they have sneezed. Instead, they must shout “Hail, Sneezer!”
Colbert: Let it be written, that if a Starbucks barrister get your name wrong, your coffee is free, and whatever they wrote upon your cup, is now their name.
Cleese: From now on, all elevator doors shall be sharpened, so that if someone runs up and sticks in their arm to stop the door from closing, the door shall continue to close, and you get to keep their arm.
Colbert: Dr. Dre and Daniel Day Lewis will be combined into one person, Dr. Daniel Dre Lewis.
Cleese: If you are talking about Buffalo and someone says I think you mean Bison, that person shall be hunted to the brink of extinction.
Colbert: If the high way is too crowded, Kenny Logins must provide an alternative route to the danger zone.
Cleese: All clowns are now banished. Should we have a clown emergency, we will simply force mimes to shout.
Colbert: If a bird poops on you, it is no longer good luck. But, if you can poop on a bird, that is very impressive.
Cleese: Food brands will stop anthropomorphising their products as attractive females. No one, can enjoy an M&M if they are sexually aroused by it.
Colbert: Any rock band that has a ukulele is not a rock band. It is an insurance commercial.
Cleese: From now on, American football will be known as “Big Leather Egg Fight”.
Colbert: Hence forth, casual Friday is which ever day I don’t wear pants to work.
Cleese: Hence forth, the plural of mouse is “mouses,” but the plural of house is now “hice”.
Colbert: Mr. Cleese, it would appear our hats are equally powerful.
Cleese: Yes, we are at a stalemate ………. do you want to come back to my place?
Colbert: *with British accent* I thought you’d never ask.

Interview — John Cleese

Fresh from their furry hat off, John Cleese joined Stephen at the desk, where he admitted that the “Big Fury Hat” sketch was the most fun he’d had in a long time. How does one return such a compliment from a comedy legend? Like this, naturally … “I wanna say, and I mean this as the greatest compliment. You looked like an idiot up there.”

Both John and Stephen discussed their love of being silly, and how Python at its best, was completely meaningless silliness, such as the “Fish Slapping Dance” featuring John Cleese and Michael Palin. Cleese also spoke about his own personal comedy influences, which were mostly American comedians, and how everything changed in Britain when “Beyond the Fringe” became the first show to openly satirise politics.

Colbert: Are you writing anything right now? Are you doing anything?
Cleese: Well. I’m going to go off to the West Indies, the day after tomorrow. I have eight exercise books and one hundred pencils, and I don’t know what I am going to write.
Colbert: Wow.
Cleese: But, I’m thinking of writing a show called, “Why There Is No Hope.”
Colbert: I like it.
Cleese: Because you see, people have not grasped this yet. There is no hope.
Colbert: I disagree.
Cleese: Do you?
Colbert: Yes, because you have just given me hope that there will be another John Cleese book.

Interview — Michael Flatley

Stopping off in the middle of his farewell tour, Michael Flatley spoke to Stephen about why he was retiring “by popular demand,” actually, he feels as though he has accomplished all he set out to do. He also explained the origins of his title of “Lord of the Dance,” which was the headline of an article about him in the mid-90s that took off, and the name stuck after he created a show of the same name.

Building on his tap dancing lesson from Michelle Dorrance, Flatley also showed Stephen a basic step, which of course he nailed.