EPISODE NUMBER: 10024 (November 14, 2013)
GUESTS: Alexis Ohanian
SPECIAL GUESTS: John Lithgow | Katie Couric | The Black Keys – Dan Auerbach & Patrick Carney
SEGMENTS: Philippines Typhoon Relief | November Sweeps Prostacular | Rob Ford’s Defiance | Sign Off – Kitten Cuddle
SUIT REPORT: Navy Blue Suit | White Shirt | Blue / Purple Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, November 14, 2013
Tonight’s episode was non-stop hilarious! Stephen had to crush ‘The Today Show’ in November Sweeps by having his own on-air prostate exam. But who needs a doctor when you have Katie Couric, John Lithgow and The Black Keys? Stephen had to make the agonizing choice of who would do the honors. Then, once again Mayor Ford embarrasses the City of Toronto. Stephen talks with the co-founder of Reddit and as anyone who uses Reddit can tell you, it’s all about the “up vote” or the “down vote.” Finally, Stephen cuddles a kitten – I dare you not to “squee!”
On a more serious note, Stephen calls upon The Colbert Nation to out-donate China. Below, you will find the information to make a donation to the Philippines Typhoon Haiyan Relief.
Don’t hold back! Tell us your thoughts on this episode in the comment section!
Philippines Typhoon Relief
- Nation, we’ve all seen the devastation in the Philippines caused by Typhoon Haiyan. It’s an unthinkable tragedy and we all send our thoughts and prayers to those in need. But thoughts and prayers aren’t all we’re sending.
“The United States military now taking significant steps to help Typhoon Haiyan recovery operations.” “USS George Washington is now in the gulf area. It brings with it 80 aircraft, 5,000 sailors – all ready to deliver food, water and medicine.” “The US also providing 20 million dollars in immediate aid.”
- Folks, America takes a lot of flack just because we spy on our allies, invade countries on hunches, and threaten to tank the global economy as a fund-raising tool.
- But face it, when the s*** goes down, the world needs heroes, nobody says, “Thank God the Belgians are here. Oh, I hope they brought us some waffles!”
- Nation, this makes me proud to be an American. To know that my tax dollars are going to help people…if I paid taxes.
- America has put our money where our mouth is, our boots on the ground, and our hand in air like we just do care. You can’t say the same thing about so-called super-power, China.
“China, getting a bit of criticism. They’ve been in a long-term dispute; a land dispute with the Philippines. And guess what? They’re only giving a hundred thousand dollars.”
- Wow. Apparently the Chinese symbol for “crisis” is also the one for “bite me.”
- Seriously, the Nation of China pledged only a hundred thousand dollars? I bet The Colbert Nation could give more than that. What do you people think?
Thunderous applause from the audience!
- Nation, let’s do it! Lets out-donate China!
- To donate $10 to Convoy of Hope‘s Typhoon Response efforts…
November Sweeps Prostacular
- Well, folks, one week ago today, ‘Today’s’ Al Roker and Matt Lauer boldly went where no news has gone before.
Matt Lauer: “Here we are one week into No Shave November and this morning we kick it up a notch, because this whole thing has been about raising awareness for men’s health; things like prostate cancer. And this morning – Al, you and I are gonna get a prostate screening live on the air.”
- They had to. Matt Lauer made such a convincing ‘Baywatch’ babe on Halloween, the network demanded gender confirmation.
Woman: “This is the digital rectal exam. So you guys go off…” Matt Lauer: “Exactly. We’re not gonna show it. The camera will stay out here and we’ll go in this room.” (After the exam) Woman: “Did it hurt?” Matt Lauer: “It doesn’t hurt at all. And it took 34 seconds.”
- Yes, 34 seconds! ‘Cause everyone knows the best medicine is the fastest medicine.
- It is no accident that they pulled this groundbreaking stunt during November Sweeps, because ‘The Today Show’ knows what brings in the great ratings – Men in their fifties being finger-puppeted.
- Folks, I will not be out-Sweep-swept by ‘The Today Show.’
- So, Nation, scrub-up, scrub-in, strap-on and strap-in because I’m about to get my own prostate checked in ‘Stephen Colbert’s November Sweeps Prostacular.’ Jimmy, juice it!!
- Nation, any newsman can get some old doctor to stick his digital up your analog. But Sweeps is all about guest stars.
“Did someone say guest stars?”
Stephen: Star of stage and screen, John Lithgow! John, what are you doing here?
John Lithgow: Stephen, I’m here to examine your prostate, as research for an acting role.
Stephen: Now, folks, that’s a guest star!
“Guest star? Did someone say guest star?”
Stephen: Host of television’s ‘Katie’, television’s Katie Couric! Katie, what are you doing here?
Katie Couric: Stephen, I’m here to examine your prostate.
Stephen: Both of you?! I never thought I’d say this, but I wish I had two prostates.
Katie Couric: Well, maybe you do. That’s what we’re here for.
“Did someone say guest star?”
Stephen: Well, technically, no, but…Dan and Patrick of the Grammy Award winning indie rock-dou, The Black Keys! What are you doing here?
Dan Auerbach: Stephen, a smooth prostate the size of a walnut? That’s music to our ears.
Stephen: Well, thank you all for coming. But due to limited capacity of my colon, I can’t fit you all in there. I’m gonna have to make a choice, in tonight’s highly dramatic Latex Glove Ceremony.
Stephen: I want to thank all of you for going on this journey with me. But only one will be awarded this latex glove, which is a symbol of trust and also the actual glove you will use when you check my bung fruit for freshness. So, make your final pitch. John Lithgow…
John Lithgow: Stephen, as star of ‘Harry and the Hendersons’, I’ve stood face-to-face with a Sasquatch. So, whatever you’ve got going on down there won’t frighten me.
Stephen: That’s impressive. Katie Couric…
Katie Couric: Well, Stephen, as you might recall I made TV history when I had my on-air colonoscopy on ‘The Today Show’ back in 2000. Well, my experience and commitment are unparalleled. Plus, I just got a manicure, which combines the words “man” and “cure.”
Stephen: That’s a powerful argument. Black Keys…
Dan Auerbach: Stephen, tonight I want you to think of us as The Brown Keys; a two-man medical team. I’m the front man, so I’ll conduct the exam.
Patrick Carney: And I’ll play the drums and um, not conduct the exam.
Stephen: You’ll all so special. Any man would be lucky to have you examine their prostate for swelling, lumps and/or suspicious texture. But, of course, I have to decide.
Stephen: I choose…John Lithgow.
Stephen: John Lithgow, will you accept this glove?
John Lithgow: It would be my honor.
Stephen: Jimmy, put up the timer!
Stephen: How’s my prostate back there?
John Lithgow: Spectacular. Smooth as a freshly peeled lychee. But, Stephen, I do see something strange back here.
Stephen: What?! What is it?!
John Lithgow: Kittens!
Stephen: Kittens?! Stop the timer! 24 seconds! We won! Wooooo!
Rob Ford’s Defiance
- If you watch this show lately then you know last week I brought you some shocking news about crack-smoking Toronto mayor and possessed Cabbage Patch Doll, Rob Ford.
- For the first time that I’m aware of drug abuse has had some negative consequences.
“The bombshell is so bad that even – How strange is this? – Ford Motor Company says that it’s costing them business. The car company says that they’re distancing themselves from the mayor. The iconic Ford logo was being used by Rob Ford supporters on t-shirts. The company says the use is unauthorized, obviously. And they’re now asking shirt makers to stop using it.”
- Big mistake, Ford. Rob Ford can help you reach out to a lucrative new market, ’cause after all there’s no product with more customer loyalty than crack.
- But that’s it. There it is. Mayor Ford is done embarrassing Toronto in front of the camera.
Rob Ford: “Oh, the last thing was Olivia Gondek said that I wanted to eat her (bleep). I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you very much.”
- Wow. Is it Valentine’s Day already? Kinda makes you nostalgic for the crack now, doesn’t it Toronto?
Interview – Alexis Ohanian
Stephen: Now besides being a sort of an early internet wunderkind with being a co-founder of Reddit…which…explain to the people what Reddit is. Because I’ve explained it on the show before and people that are on Reddit…the next day they go, “That’s not what Reddit is.” What is Reddit?
Alexis Ohanian: Well, it is a platform for online communities to share links and have discussions about what’s new and interesting on the internet.
Stephen: Yeah, that’s my problem with it. This is my problem with Reddit. My problem is that there used to be a time when there was a class of cultural taste-makers, like myself, who told you what the most important thing was to read or see today. Where as on Reddit everybody gets to post and everybody and everybody gets a vote.
Stephen: You’re sharing ideas in a new book. It’s called “Without Their Permission.” Ok, what is it you are doing without their permission and who is they?
Alexis Ohanian: It is the gatekeepers. It is this idea that online we have this thing called permission-less innovation; this idea that anyone with a great idea can go to the internet and share it with the world; whether it’s a business or it’s a non-profit or whether it’s an art project or whether it is activism. And that means we’re gonna get to surface more ideas and more creativity for more people that don’t need to go through gatekeepers.
Stephen: Ok, but don’t gatekeepers tell us what’s good and bad?
Alexis Ohanian: You know, the gatekeepers sometimes get it right. Right? I mean, Jon Stewart had a good choice about bringing you onboard.
Stephen: I was at ‘The Daily Show’ before he was, but go ahead. Whatever. Whatever. That’s not a knock, that’s just a fact.
Sign Off – Kitten Cuddle
© nestyanyan | tumblr
November 14, 2013 – Alexis Ohanian
GUESTS: Alexis Ohanian
SPECIAL GUESTS: John Lithgow | Katie Couric | The Black Keys – Dan Auerbach & Patrick Carney
SEGMENTS: Philippines Typhoon Relief | November Sweeps Prostacular | Rob Ford’s Defiance | Sign Off – Kitten Cuddle
SUIT REPORT: Navy Blue Suit | White Shirt | Blue / Purple Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, November 14, 2013
Tonight’s episode was non-stop hilarious! Stephen had to crush ‘The Today Show’ in November Sweeps by having his own on-air prostate exam. But who needs a doctor when you have Katie Couric, John Lithgow and The Black Keys? Stephen had to make the agonizing choice of who would do the honors. Then, once again Mayor Ford embarrasses the City of Toronto. Stephen talks with the co-founder of Reddit and as anyone who uses Reddit can tell you, it’s all about the “up vote” or the “down vote.” Finally, Stephen cuddles a kitten – I dare you not to “squee!”
On a more serious note, Stephen calls upon The Colbert Nation to out-donate China. Below, you will find the information to make a donation to the Philippines Typhoon Haiyan Relief.
Don’t hold back! Tell us your thoughts on this episode in the comment section!
Philippines Typhoon Relief
Thunderous applause from the audience!
November Sweeps Prostacular
“Did someone say guest stars?”
Stephen: Star of stage and screen, John Lithgow! John, what are you doing here?
John Lithgow: Stephen, I’m here to examine your prostate, as research for an acting role.
Stephen: Now, folks, that’s a guest star!
“Guest star? Did someone say guest star?”
Stephen: Host of television’s ‘Katie’, television’s Katie Couric! Katie, what are you doing here?
Katie Couric: Stephen, I’m here to examine your prostate.
Stephen: Both of you?! I never thought I’d say this, but I wish I had two prostates.
Katie Couric: Well, maybe you do. That’s what we’re here for.
“Did someone say guest star?”
Stephen: Well, technically, no, but…Dan and Patrick of the Grammy Award winning indie rock-dou, The Black Keys! What are you doing here?
Dan Auerbach: Stephen, a smooth prostate the size of a walnut? That’s music to our ears.
Stephen: Well, thank you all for coming. But due to limited capacity of my colon, I can’t fit you all in there. I’m gonna have to make a choice, in tonight’s highly dramatic Latex Glove Ceremony.
Stephen: I want to thank all of you for going on this journey with me. But only one will be awarded this latex glove, which is a symbol of trust and also the actual glove you will use when you check my bung fruit for freshness. So, make your final pitch. John Lithgow…
John Lithgow: Stephen, as star of ‘Harry and the Hendersons’, I’ve stood face-to-face with a Sasquatch. So, whatever you’ve got going on down there won’t frighten me.
Stephen: That’s impressive. Katie Couric…
Katie Couric: Well, Stephen, as you might recall I made TV history when I had my on-air colonoscopy on ‘The Today Show’ back in 2000. Well, my experience and commitment are unparalleled. Plus, I just got a manicure, which combines the words “man” and “cure.”
Stephen: That’s a powerful argument. Black Keys…
Dan Auerbach: Stephen, tonight I want you to think of us as The Brown Keys; a two-man medical team. I’m the front man, so I’ll conduct the exam.
Patrick Carney: And I’ll play the drums and um, not conduct the exam.
Stephen: You’ll all so special. Any man would be lucky to have you examine their prostate for swelling, lumps and/or suspicious texture. But, of course, I have to decide.
Stephen: I choose…John Lithgow.
Stephen: John Lithgow, will you accept this glove?
John Lithgow: It would be my honor.
Stephen: Jimmy, put up the timer!
Stephen: How’s my prostate back there?
John Lithgow: Spectacular. Smooth as a freshly peeled lychee. But, Stephen, I do see something strange back here.
Stephen: What?! What is it?!
John Lithgow: Kittens!
Stephen: Kittens?! Stop the timer! 24 seconds! We won! Wooooo!
Rob Ford’s Defiance
Interview – Alexis Ohanian
Stephen: Now besides being a sort of an early internet wunderkind with being a co-founder of Reddit…which…explain to the people what Reddit is. Because I’ve explained it on the show before and people that are on Reddit…the next day they go, “That’s not what Reddit is.” What is Reddit?
Alexis Ohanian: Well, it is a platform for online communities to share links and have discussions about what’s new and interesting on the internet.
Stephen: Yeah, that’s my problem with it. This is my problem with Reddit. My problem is that there used to be a time when there was a class of cultural taste-makers, like myself, who told you what the most important thing was to read or see today. Where as on Reddit everybody gets to post and everybody and everybody gets a vote.
Stephen: You’re sharing ideas in a new book. It’s called “Without Their Permission.” Ok, what is it you are doing without their permission and who is they?
Alexis Ohanian: It is the gatekeepers. It is this idea that online we have this thing called permission-less innovation; this idea that anyone with a great idea can go to the internet and share it with the world; whether it’s a business or it’s a non-profit or whether it’s an art project or whether it is activism. And that means we’re gonna get to surface more ideas and more creativity for more people that don’t need to go through gatekeepers.
Stephen: Ok, but don’t gatekeepers tell us what’s good and bad?
Alexis Ohanian: You know, the gatekeepers sometimes get it right. Right? I mean, Jon Stewart had a good choice about bringing you onboard.
Stephen: I was at ‘The Daily Show’ before he was, but go ahead. Whatever. Whatever. That’s not a knock, that’s just a fact.
Sign Off – Kitten Cuddle
© nestyanyan | tumblr