EPISODE NUMBER: 11025 (November 17, 2014)
GUESTS: Sen. Bernie Sanders
SEGMENTS: Bono’s Missing Luggage | Survival Tips from “Good Morning America” | Bernie Sanders | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Maroon tie
VIDEOS: Monday, November 17, 2014
catbushandludicrous | tumblr
Tonight’s episode seemed more like an adieu to Stephen’s character’s obsession with bears more than anything else. We were treated to a 9-minute segment of Stephen making out with a bear (after the Christmas special, this makes the second), and then a scene of some morning-after shenanigans in Stephen’s brownstone. I recognized the nice portrait on the wall; it had been painted by a lovely young fan during the Obama/Clinton democratic primary.
By the way, was the bear really Jay the Intern in there? If so, that must have been a heavy costume, he is not a big guy. He seemed to sidle up to the C-desk the same way Jay does. I’m going to say yes.
We had a pretty passionate interview with Senator Sanders. I guess with his being a longtime independent, he is probably the only Senator the American electorate can tolerate these days, if the recent midterms are any indicator. At least he can co-opt Americone Dream as his official campaign ice cream, as it is home-brewed in Vermont.
The audience seems to be really off the walls these days. I can understand, as energy is more than high with the show ending. I hope the Nation can keep it together until the end, so Stephen & team can still fire off a few more good shows. I am still looking for closure with regards to Stephen’s character, and it seems like with the bear segment that was beginning to emerge.
What did y’all think? Sound off in the comments.
Bono’s Missing Luggage
Basically, this segment allowed Stephen to poke fun at Bono using puns comprised of U2 lyrics. It was apparent that Stephen really relished the opportunity, too.
There’s word that Bono from U2 lost his luggage. His private Lear jet somehow losing the rear cargo door 8,000 feet above the ground, luggage flying out. Investigators say the door and several pieces of luggage landed somewhere on the outskirts of Germany’s capital.
“That’s right. Bono’s bags fell out of his private plane. And after three days of intense searching, Bono ‘still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.’”
- Yeah, I mean, can you imagine what it’s like to be minding your own business and, suddenly, a bunch of Bono’s stuff drops into your life? Only if you bought the new iPhone.
- What else we got in here? (rifling through bag) Towels. Looks like he stole a lot of towels from a hotel. Here we go, we’ve got a post-it note reminding him of the non-Edge band member’s names. And this is nice, it’s a handwritten list of historical tragedies that would make good songs.
- I also have The Edge’s duffle bag. Let’s see what we’ve got in here, we’ve got a knit cap, knit cap — it’s all knit caps.
“Anyway, guys, I’d be happy to mail these bags to you, but I know you live ‘where the streets have no name.’”
Survival Tips from “Good Morning America”
- Right now, we’re in the thick of what we in the TV biz call “Sweeps,” when broadcasters pull out all the stops to boost ratings. Over the years, they’ve tried everything from adorable animals to on-air colonoscopies, to lesbian kisses, to Neil Cavuto’s topless week. But as a broadcast journalist, I believe all that are just cheap publicity stunts, and so do these lesbian puppies. (brings out adorable puppies above)
- But when it comes to blowing it out for ratings, no one blows harder than “Good Morning America.” Their actual news guy, Matt Gutman, dedicated much of last week to something every American can relate to — fighting off bears and sharks.
- Yes, that is news you can use. Now I know what to do if the plane I’m on crashes into shark infested waters, and the pilot is a Grizz. And folks, you know I believe bears are godless killing machines.
Matt Gutman: I’m speechless right now. This is a 1,300-pound grizzly bear wrestling with a 200-pound man. Wrestle! It’s not every day you see aman put his head inside a Grizzly’s mouth willingly. Does it hurt to have your head inside of a bear’s mouth.? Man: Not really.
- Okay, kids. G.M.A. says if a bear is attacking you, the best line of defense is to lodge your head in its jaws. After you slap him some 69. And once the mauling is underway, there are a few things you can do to remain minimally chewed.
Man: You don’t want to surprise them. You want to let them know that you’re in the area. Matt Gutman: If you don’t have much time to calculate, do you run? Do you stand? Man: Never run. Absolutely never run under any conditions. You would talk in monotones. “I’m all right. I’m all right. You’re all right. There’s nothing wrong here.” Then slowly back away.
- Yes, very important to talk in monotones. (in soft voice… ) “Hey, bear, let’s talk this out. You’re okay. You don’t want to eat me. I saw a chubby kid back down the trail. You should eat him. Here’s some barbecue sauce.”
- And, folks, it turns out there are a lot of things more dangerous than sharks and bears. For instance, sharks injure about 13 americans a year. While as many as 13,250 are hurt by buckets and pails. And ladies and gentlemen, the danger could be lurking in your closet.
- Tonight, I launch my own ratings-boosting survival segment:
- Tonight, I’m gonna tell you everything you need to know to protect yourself from getting crossed off a bucket’s bucket list. Let’s bring him out. Okay, everybody stay calm. Okay. There we are. All right. This here is Goliath. He’s a 2.5-gallon galvanized male, as you can clearly tell. While buckets are powerful, they can be approached safely, if you observe these tips. First, never surprise the bucket. Always let it know you’re approaching. Hey, big fella. Hi! How are ya? Yeah, I was thinking about maybewashing the windows!
Never run. Under any conditions. The bucket can’t follow you. And you will no longer be with the bucket. Everybody stay calm. All right. And never speak directly into the bucket. Hello! See? You hear that? See? It echoes and your sound guy will not like it. If you follow these steps, there’s no reason you and the bucket can’t make friends.
“Watch this. Hey, fella! Hey, what’s going on? Hey, wrestle, wrestle. See? We’re having fun. I can even put my head in his mouth. Hey, hey, no, it’s okay! See? We’re having fun. Oh, god! Oh god, it’s got me! Jay the intern! Jay the intern, save me! Somebody please! Why didn’t G.M.A. warn me about this?! Good Morning America, you should’ve warned me about buckets! Thank you, Jay!”
“I, Stephen Colbert, was saved by… a bear? All this time, I have been wrong about you. You’re not here to kill us, you’re here to help On behalf of all bears, will you forgive me?”
Hey! You’re leaving? I was going to make breakfast. Oh… You’re late for work in the forest. Okay. Well, um… call me, okay?
He’s totally gonna call me.
“He’s totally going to call me!!!”
Interview – Senator Bernie Sanders
Stephen: You’re a guy who’s a rabblerouser, you whip people up. That may play in Vermont, but there is talk you may be throwing your hat into the presidential ring. Sir, I only have 15 more shows, if you want the Colbert Bump, are you ready to declare tonight in front of these good people –(cheers and applause) I can’t control them! They love you because you’re on my show. Would you like to make some news?
Sen. Sanders: The news is I am thinking about running for President.
Stephen: You have a campaign manager. Is he doing nothing? Is that just socialist handouts?
Sen. Sanders: We haven’t put anybody on the campaign staff yet. What we have to ascertain is whether or not in this country this is the appetite and the willingness to put together a strong grassroots movement to take on the billionaire class. That’s a very difficult undertaking, and when you’re running against people who have unlimited sums of money, the question is how you raise from the $20 and $40 contributions the money you need to run a serious campaign. Those are the issues we’re looking at.
Sen. Sanders: I think one of the sad things about American politics is we don’t know a whole lot about what’s going on in a number of other countries. In Denmark, for example, you have a very good healthcare system which provides quality care for all its people without out-of-pocket expense, at a time when our young people by the millions are having a hard time affording to go to college, are graduating deeply in debt. In Denmark, college and graduate school is without any out-of-pocket expense.
Stephen: I do want to point one thing out to you, Senator, is that Denmark has 5.5 million people, and I have more than that on my twitter feed. So I’m going to tweet something here tonight. Hold on. (types into phone) “Suck it, Denmark.”
November 17, 2014 — Senator Bernie Sanders | Colbert News Hub
GUESTS: Sen. Bernie Sanders
SEGMENTS: Bono’s Missing Luggage | Survival Tips from “Good Morning America” | Bernie Sanders | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Maroon tie
VIDEOS: Monday, November 17, 2014
catbushandludicrous | tumblr
Tonight’s episode seemed more like an adieu to Stephen’s character’s obsession with bears more than anything else. We were treated to a 9-minute segment of Stephen making out with a bear (after the Christmas special, this makes the second), and then a scene of some morning-after shenanigans in Stephen’s brownstone. I recognized the nice portrait on the wall; it had been painted by a lovely young fan during the Obama/Clinton democratic primary.
By the way, was the bear really Jay the Intern in there? If so, that must have been a heavy costume, he is not a big guy. He seemed to sidle up to the C-desk the same way Jay does. I’m going to say yes.
We had a pretty passionate interview with Senator Sanders. I guess with his being a longtime independent, he is probably the only Senator the American electorate can tolerate these days, if the recent midterms are any indicator. At least he can co-opt Americone Dream as his official campaign ice cream, as it is home-brewed in Vermont.
The audience seems to be really off the walls these days. I can understand, as energy is more than high with the show ending. I hope the Nation can keep it together until the end, so Stephen & team can still fire off a few more good shows. I am still looking for closure with regards to Stephen’s character, and it seems like with the bear segment that was beginning to emerge.
What did y’all think? Sound off in the comments.
Bono’s Missing Luggage
Basically, this segment allowed Stephen to poke fun at Bono using puns comprised of U2 lyrics. It was apparent that Stephen really relished the opportunity, too.
“That’s right. Bono’s bags fell out of his private plane. And after three days of intense searching, Bono ‘still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.’”
“Anyway, guys, I’d be happy to mail these bags to you, but I know you live ‘where the streets have no name.’”
Survival Tips from “Good Morning America”
Never run. Under any conditions. The bucket can’t follow you. And you will no longer be with the bucket. Everybody stay calm. All right. And never speak directly into the bucket. Hello! See? You hear that? See? It echoes and your sound guy will not like it. If you follow these steps, there’s no reason you and the bucket can’t make friends.
“Watch this. Hey, fella! Hey, what’s going on? Hey, wrestle, wrestle. See? We’re having fun. I can even put my head in his mouth. Hey, hey, no, it’s okay! See? We’re having fun. Oh, god! Oh god, it’s got me! Jay the intern! Jay the intern, save me! Somebody please! Why didn’t G.M.A. warn me about this?! Good Morning America, you should’ve warned me about buckets! Thank you, Jay!”
“I, Stephen Colbert, was saved by… a bear? All this time, I have been wrong about you. You’re not here to kill us, you’re here to help On behalf of all bears, will you forgive me?”
Hey! You’re leaving? I was going to make breakfast. Oh… You’re late for work in the forest. Okay. Well, um… call me, okay?
He’s totally gonna call me.
“He’s totally going to call me!!!”
Interview – Senator Bernie Sanders
Stephen: You’re a guy who’s a rabblerouser, you whip people up. That may play in Vermont, but there is talk you may be throwing your hat into the presidential ring. Sir, I only have 15 more shows, if you want the Colbert Bump, are you ready to declare tonight in front of these good people –(cheers and applause) I can’t control them! They love you because you’re on my show. Would you like to make some news?
Sen. Sanders: The news is I am thinking about running for President.
Stephen: You have a campaign manager. Is he doing nothing? Is that just socialist handouts?
Sen. Sanders: We haven’t put anybody on the campaign staff yet. What we have to ascertain is whether or not in this country this is the appetite and the willingness to put together a strong grassroots movement to take on the billionaire class. That’s a very difficult undertaking, and when you’re running against people who have unlimited sums of money, the question is how you raise from the $20 and $40 contributions the money you need to run a serious campaign. Those are the issues we’re looking at.
Sen. Sanders: I think one of the sad things about American politics is we don’t know a whole lot about what’s going on in a number of other countries. In Denmark, for example, you have a very good healthcare system which provides quality care for all its people without out-of-pocket expense, at a time when our young people by the millions are having a hard time affording to go to college, are graduating deeply in debt. In Denmark, college and graduate school is without any out-of-pocket expense.
Stephen: I do want to point one thing out to you, Senator, is that Denmark has 5.5 million people, and I have more than that on my twitter feed. So I’m going to tweet something here tonight. Hold on. (types into phone) “Suck it, Denmark.”