EPISODE NUMBER: 11018 (November 4, 2014)
GUESTS: Andrew Sullivan
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin (as the Demon)
SEGMENTS: Midterms ‘014 – Detour to Gridlock – Live Coverage | Mountains of Midterm Madness | Social-Tracker 8700 | Andrew Sullivan | Sign Off – Stephen’s Final Election Special
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Grey Shirt | Maroon/Navy Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, November 4, 2014
In perhaps one of the last Tosses we will ever get, Stephen Colbert tricks Jon Stewart into covering the remaining midterm elections results for him.
Tonight’s LIVE episode of the Midterm election results was absolutely spectacular. Stephen has covered eight live election results starting back in his days on The Daily Show. It is so bittersweet that this was his last, but he went out with a bang! Stephen and the staff hit it out of the park, because this was truly a joy to watch. There was a collective rumble in the Colbert Nation when we got a TOSS!
Midterms ‘014 – Detour to Gridlock – Live Coverage
- So many questions will be answered tonight. Will the Senate change hands? Will the GOP tighten its grip on the house? Did anyone vote?
- But what really makes this evening so an-historic is that it’s my last election night special.
- As you know, I’m going off the air next month to pursue my dream of never covering the Midterms again.
- And tonight I’m coming to you live! See, it says it right up there! Though from my side of the screen it actually spells “evil.” That’s kind of creepy.
Jimmy, can we change that to something less spooky from my side like “red rum?” That’s better.
- Folks, you will notice tonight’s show is more urgent, more intense, more past-my-bed-timey.
- So, to keep me sharp I am hopped up on an American flag colored speed ball of Red Bull, meth and Viagra!
Tonight, the stakes are high and so am I! It’s a free-for-all!
- In New Hampshire it seems incumbent Democrat and world’s shortest poem, Jeanne Shaheen, has defeated former Massachusetts senator and man who claims he never heard of Massachusetts, Scott Brown. Brown responded to the loss with grace, dignity and a down payment on a house in Maine.
- Now, we come to Delaware and, as usual, continue right on through to New Jersey where Democrat incumbent and friend of the show, Cory Booker, is reelected to the Senate bringing the number of charismatic black male Democrats having a good night to one. [Graphic of President Obama]
- In the great state of Kentucky, the race between Alison Lundergan Grimes and incumbent Mitch Lundergan McConnell has been neck and neck flap and with 97.3% of me reporting Mitch McConnell has been reelected to the US Senate.
Mountains of Midterm Madness
- Of course, as every election night, I am joined tonight by the entire Colbert Report Election News Team, Andrew Sullivan and … that’s it. Thanks for joining us, Andrew.
Andrew: Happy to be here, Stephen.
Stephen: Andrew will be live blogging results in our Cyber Election Cafe. What are we seeing on the web there, Andrew?
Andrew: Nothing so far. I can’t seem to get the internet.
Stephen: I should have told you – wi-fi is $12 with a purchase of a muffin.
This is bulls***.
- Thanks for that report, Andrew.
- Folks, of course, you know all my cable news colleagues out there are bringing it hot and hard tonight. Fox News coming out blazing with a secret weapon so secret they won’t stop talking about it.
Several Fox News anchors talk about “The Brain Room.”
- Just as you suspected, Fox News keeps all their brains in one room and it’s not the one with the cameras.
- Of course, MSNBC has their own big plans tonight. They’ve announced live on air, during Midterm coverage, Chris Hayes will go through pruberty … [Stephen adorably mispronounces “puberty” and quickly corrects himself with a smile on his face. You’ve got to love live TV!] … puberty. Good luck, Chris! Explore your body. Perfectly natural.
- But, of course, CNN’s John King, as usual, sets the standard.
“CNN national correspondent, John King, is over at the Magic Wall.”
“He’s at the Magic Wall. Spending a lot of time at the Magic Wall.”
- Yes, the Magic Wall. In their desperation, CNN is now dabbling in the dark arts.
- Well, I will not be out-occulted. So let us venture, now, to a realm of eldritch wizardry where the human mind is rent by the forbidden knowledge of the hell-bound!
- This is Stephen Colbert’s Mountains of Midterm Madness!
- Welcome, my friends, to the Mountains of Midterm Madness, where I will summon election results from the damned to bow before the elder god Yogsogoth!
- Moving on to the Alaska Senate race between Mark Begich and Dan Sullivan. Polls do not close till after midnight East Coast time but, Colbert Report watchers have the right to know before anyone else!
- So hear me! Hear me all-seeing ancient ones! Drink now my blood! Take now my soul!
Stephen: Speak, demon, speak! Who won the Alaska Senate race?
Demon: The winner of the election is too close to call!
Stephen: Seriously? I just sold my soul to the dark lord for all eternity and all I get is “too close to call”?
Demon: Okay, give me a second. I’ll just check Nate Silver at 538.
Stephen: I could do that myself.
Demon: I can’t get on wi-fi.
Stephen: It’s $12.
Andrew Sullivan: And you have to buy a muffin. It’s bulls***.
Demon: Ah, here it is! The winner of the Alaska Senate race is…Howard Stern! Baba booey! Baba booey!
Stephen: Damn you, demon! Damn you!
Social-Tracker 8700
- This year, folks, election coverage is all about partnerships between traditional and social media. For instance, this year, CNN has teamed up with Bing and Internet Explorer.
- Together, they will be streaming real time results straight to your dad’s beeper.
- And it’s not just CNN.
Fox News: “You can join in our conversation on Facebook or on Twitter.”
MSNBC: “Tweet at us using the hashtag #msnbc.”
Morning Joe: “Download the iCitizen app on your iPhone to take part in this.” Ronan Farrow: “Give us your democratic selfie. Send them via Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.”
Bret Baier: “Please log on to my blog, TheDailyBret.com.”
November 4, 2014 – Andrew Sullivan
GUESTS: Andrew Sullivan
STAFF CAMEO: Matt Lapin (as the Demon)
SEGMENTS: Midterms ‘014 – Detour to Gridlock – Live Coverage | Mountains of Midterm Madness | Social-Tracker 8700 | Andrew Sullivan | Sign Off – Stephen’s Final Election Special
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Grey Shirt | Maroon/Navy Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, November 4, 2014
In perhaps one of the last Tosses we will ever get, Stephen Colbert tricks Jon Stewart into covering the remaining midterm elections results for him.
Tonight’s LIVE episode of the Midterm election results was absolutely spectacular. Stephen has covered eight live election results starting back in his days on The Daily Show. It is so bittersweet that this was his last, but he went out with a bang! Stephen and the staff hit it out of the park, because this was truly a joy to watch. There was a collective rumble in the Colbert Nation when we got a TOSS!
Midterms ‘014 – Detour to Gridlock – Live Coverage
Jimmy, can we change that to something less spooky from my side like “red rum?” That’s better.
Tonight, the stakes are high and so am I! It’s a free-for-all!
Mountains of Midterm Madness
Andrew: Happy to be here, Stephen.
Stephen: Andrew will be live blogging results in our Cyber Election Cafe. What are we seeing on the web there, Andrew?
Andrew: Nothing so far. I can’t seem to get the internet.
Stephen: I should have told you – wi-fi is $12 with a purchase of a muffin.
This is bulls***.
Several Fox News anchors talk about “The Brain Room.”
Stephen: Speak, demon, speak! Who won the Alaska Senate race?
Demon: The winner of the election is too close to call!
Stephen: Seriously? I just sold my soul to the dark lord for all eternity and all I get is “too close to call”?
Demon: Okay, give me a second. I’ll just check Nate Silver at 538.
Stephen: I could do that myself.
Demon: I can’t get on wi-fi.
Stephen: It’s $12.
Andrew Sullivan: And you have to buy a muffin. It’s bulls***.
Demon: Ah, here it is! The winner of the Alaska Senate race is…Howard Stern! Baba booey! Baba booey!
Stephen: Damn you, demon! Damn you!
Social-Tracker 8700