EPISODE NUMBER: 11019 (November 5, 2014)
GUESTS: Kristen Gillibrand
SEGMENTS: Intro – 11/5/14 | The Republicans Win Everything | Better Know a District – California’s 13th – Barbara Lee | Legalized Marijuana in Washington, D.C. | Kristen Gillibrand | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White patterned shirt | Black and light blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Intro – 11/5/14
Tonight, I profile one of Congress’ last remaining Democrats. I’ll ask her how she plans to repopulate the species. Then big changes come to the senate. Now it’s run by a totally different old white guy. And my guest tonight is Democratic New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand. I’ll ask her what it’s like to pander to the greatest people in America! (audience cheers) A New York doctor infected with ebola is reportedly now well enough to play the banjo. People immediately stopped wishing him a speedy recovery.
The Republicans Win Everything
“Huge night for the republicans across the country. They won everything. The senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors’ races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines.”
- And sure, as a conservative it is tempting to gloat, but I’m going to be humble about this for two reasons. One, because I am amazing at being humble, okay. Fantastic. And, two, I want to be sensitive to all my liberal viewers. I have been told some liberals do watch the show. I don’t know why. It’s a free country.
Better Know a District – California’s 13th – Barbara Lee
- Of course, there are a handful of Democrats who did keep their jobs last night. For instance, the subject of the 81st installment of my 434-part series, Better Know a District. Tonight, California’s 13th! The fightin’ 13th!
- Famed cartoonist, Rube Goldberg, graduated from UC Berkeley with an engineering degree in 1904; though he didn’t get it hung on his wall until 1932.
- The district is also home to company headquarters for Cliff Bar and The North Face clothing; essential products for both California’s rugged outdoors men and drugged indoors men.
- Rocker Jim Morrison attended high school in the 13thʼs town of Alameda. Though, like many teenagers, his high school band mainly just played Doors covers.
- And who has the slinging Berkenstocks to represent this district? It’s none other than Congressman Barbara Lee. I sat down with Representative Lee in her Washington office.
Stephen: Your district includes Whamo Toys, makers of hula hoops and silly string. It also includes Oakland, which is one of the most diverse cities in the America with more than 125 languages spoken.
Rep. Lee: Isn’t that great?
Stephen: That’s incredible. Can you translate this local expression? “Ima hittableezy and some yay start perkin, get hella hyphy and ghost ride my whip.”
Rep. Lee: What language is that?
Stephen: I don’t know. [Looks off camera] Did I say that right? I’ve been told I said that right.
Rep. Lee: Great, I didn’t know you were a linguist.
Stephen: I’m a cunning linguist.
Stephen: Oakland Coliseum is where the wave was invented.
Rep. Lee: I told you Oakland was really cool.
Stephen: Itʼs really cool. Cool people. Do you want to get a wave started here? Rep. Lee: Okay.
tumblr | Keith Boykin
Stephen: You sponsored a bill to support programs for comprehensive sex education. How comprehensive are we talking about here? Because there is some crazy stuff on the internet I wouldn’t want kids to find out about.
Rep. Lee: Public schools should be able to teach kids how to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease.
Stephen: But when we were kids sex was so much simpler. There was this way, that way, that thing, lady on top and you were done. Now, it’s so complicated. We don’t want to burden these kids with comprehensive education about it. Let’s just say, you know, it’s something not very nice that you do when you’re married, and also don’t do it. And just be be done right there.
Rep. Lee: Kids need to know about health care.
Stephen: Why not comprehensive abstinence education?
Rep. Lee: Some people think that’s the only way.
Stephen: Some this person.
Rep. Lee: Young people should know all the options so that they can be educated. Stephen: I’m practicing abstinence right now as we speak.
Rep. Lee: More power to you.
Stephen: That could change if you play your cards right.
Rep. Lee: Geez, my God! You are really crazy!
Stephen: Let me ask you one more question. Congresswoman, would you like to celebrate your district with me?
Rep. Lee: Sure.
Legalized Marijuana in Washington, D.C.
- Oh, Hi! Folks, you caught me, you caught me snacking on this roasted donkey leg. That I’m definitely not serving to my guest Democratic Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, because that would be insensitive. But I have to tell you folks, she is– mmm– she is missing out because it is so tender. It must have been that boot stomping it got last night. And I am sure that Senator Gillibrand is already full of humble pie after the electoral devastation.
Angry voters gave the GOP a landslide victory. It was such a tsunami last night. The republican midterm tidal wave washing over congress. A political earthquake.
“Yeah, it was a land slide, a tsunami, a tidal wave, earthquake– all the things God sends when he’s happy with what’s going on.”
- And it was a great night. It was a great night for the fresh new face of the GOP, Mitch McConnell. A face so fresh it hasn’t even grown lips yet.
- Meanwhile, last night, Barack Obama had to watch his legacy goup in smoke, but thanks to a Washington ballot initiative,that is now legal.
Washington, D.C. voted to legalize pot use and possession in small amounts. Washington, D.C., the nation’s capital, legalizing marijuana. Possessing up to two ounces of marijuana for personal use is now legal.
“That’s right, D.C. Now stands for dank chronic. And thanks to this new law, we’re never going to get Lincoln off that damn couch.”
- And if anyone needs to take the edge off after last night, it’s [Obama]. So I say, go for it sir. Appoint yourself Commander in Spleef.
- You’re looking at two years of the Republican House and Senate. What’s the worst that could happen? You get high and nothing gets done. You get high, and maybe get paranoid that Congress is out to get you? You know, the White House has a movie theater and a bowling alley.
“I say it’s time to tear up Michelle’s organic kale patch and plant some Skunk Force One.”
- And sir, if you ever get the munchies, the Secret Service has proven that the domino’s guy can just jump over the fence.
Interview — Kristin Gillibrand
My guest tonight is a Democratic Senator, I plan to record her language before her tribe disappears forever.
Stephen: You’re on the Environment and Public Works Committee. And now you’re going to have a new Chairman, James Inhofe. You and he differ slightly on global warming.
Sen. Gillibrand: Yes.
Stephen: He’s got some interesting ideas. He believes it is not happening. And that it is a hoax. Okay? Where is the middle ground for the two of you? Are you going to come over to his side? Are you going to compromise on that one and just say it’s not happening, and I’m sure he’ll agree with you.
Sen. Gillibrand: I think there are some common sense things we can work on – any New Yorker knows how crushing Superstorm Sandy was, so you have these violent superstorms coming not once every 100 years, but once every two years. We have to be able to come together to work on things and actually address it.
Stephen: When you say “off the sidelines” are you talking about the democrats, or are you talking about women or anybody? Who is on the sidelines that you have to get off them?
Sen. Gillibrand: It’s about women. It’s a call to action-
Stephen: I can read this?
Sen. Gillibrand: You can read it. If you do you will learn a lot about– you will learn a lot about your wife. (they grasp hands)
Stephen: One thing I understand about my wife, she doesn’t like it when I hold hands with women.
Thanks to Clem for helping me complete this episode guide!
November 5, 2014 — Kristen Gillibrand
GUESTS: Kristen Gillibrand
SEGMENTS: Intro – 11/5/14 | The Republicans Win Everything | Better Know a District – California’s 13th – Barbara Lee | Legalized Marijuana in Washington, D.C. | Kristen Gillibrand | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White patterned shirt | Black and light blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Intro – 11/5/14
The Republicans Win Everything
“Huge night for the republicans across the country. They won everything. The senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors’ races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines.”
Better Know a District – California’s 13th – Barbara Lee
Stephen: Your district includes Whamo Toys, makers of hula hoops and silly string. It also includes Oakland, which is one of the most diverse cities in the America with more than 125 languages spoken.
Rep. Lee: Isn’t that great?
Stephen: That’s incredible. Can you translate this local expression? “Ima hittableezy and some yay start perkin, get hella hyphy and ghost ride my whip.”
Rep. Lee: What language is that?
Stephen: I don’t know. [Looks off camera] Did I say that right? I’ve been told I said that right.
Rep. Lee: Great, I didn’t know you were a linguist.
Stephen: I’m a cunning linguist.
Stephen: Oakland Coliseum is where the wave was invented.
Rep. Lee: I told you Oakland was really cool.
Stephen: Itʼs really cool. Cool people. Do you want to get a wave started here? Rep. Lee: Okay.
tumblr | Keith Boykin
Stephen: You sponsored a bill to support programs for comprehensive sex education. How comprehensive are we talking about here? Because there is some crazy stuff on the internet I wouldn’t want kids to find out about.
Rep. Lee: Public schools should be able to teach kids how to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease.
Stephen: But when we were kids sex was so much simpler. There was this way, that way, that thing, lady on top and you were done. Now, it’s so complicated. We don’t want to burden these kids with comprehensive education about it. Let’s just say, you know, it’s something not very nice that you do when you’re married, and also don’t do it. And just be be done right there.
Rep. Lee: Kids need to know about health care.
Stephen: Why not comprehensive abstinence education?
Rep. Lee: Some people think that’s the only way.
Stephen: Some this person.
Rep. Lee: Young people should know all the options so that they can be educated. Stephen: I’m practicing abstinence right now as we speak.
Rep. Lee: More power to you.
Stephen: That could change if you play your cards right.
Rep. Lee: Geez, my God! You are really crazy!
Stephen: Let me ask you one more question. Congresswoman, would you like to celebrate your district with me?
Rep. Lee: Sure.
Legalized Marijuana in Washington, D.C.
“Yeah, it was a land slide, a tsunami, a tidal wave, earthquake– all the things God sends when he’s happy with what’s going on.”
“That’s right, D.C. Now stands for dank chronic. And thanks to this new law, we’re never going to get Lincoln off that damn couch.”
“I say it’s time to tear up Michelle’s organic kale patch and plant some Skunk Force One.”
Interview — Kristin Gillibrand
Stephen: You’re on the Environment and Public Works Committee. And now you’re going to have a new Chairman, James Inhofe. You and he differ slightly on global warming.
Sen. Gillibrand: Yes.
Stephen: He’s got some interesting ideas. He believes it is not happening. And that it is a hoax. Okay? Where is the middle ground for the two of you? Are you going to come over to his side? Are you going to compromise on that one and just say it’s not happening, and I’m sure he’ll agree with you.
Sen. Gillibrand: I think there are some common sense things we can work on – any New Yorker knows how crushing Superstorm Sandy was, so you have these violent superstorms coming not once every 100 years, but once every two years. We have to be able to come together to work on things and actually address it.
Stephen: When you say “off the sidelines” are you talking about the democrats, or are you talking about women or anybody? Who is on the sidelines that you have to get off them?
Sen. Gillibrand: It’s about women. It’s a call to action-
Stephen: I can read this?
Sen. Gillibrand: You can read it. If you do you will learn a lot about– you will learn a lot about your wife. (they grasp hands)
Stephen: One thing I understand about my wife, she doesn’t like it when I hold hands with women.
Thanks to Clem for helping me complete this episode guide!