Today we take a look back at this vintage taping report by The Zen all way back in 2007, when Stephen was the substitute teacher of a Sunday School Class, with a little help from his daughter Madeleine.
Please visit The Zen and The Damaged for the full Taping ReporT.
He did the thing where he raises his hands to get us to cheer, lowers them for us to stop, and then conducts shorter and shorter bursts of cheering. Oh, mob mentality. It was hilarious. And then, “Do any of you have questions, to humanize me before I start saying all these horrible things in-character?”
I didn’t get to ask any of my questions, but I paid close attention to the ones that were asked, because there are few things more frustrating than “Oh, Stephen said this hilarious thing during the Q&A — I don’t remember what it was, but it was really funny!”
So here they are:
“Why do you take so many vacations?”
He got this adorably shocked/mock-hurt look on his face. “I do 168 shows a year!”
“How did you get a TV show, and when did you know you wanted one?”
“They had half an hour to fill, and they said, ‘Hey, you, over there, on the motorcycle … ’ I don’t know why I have a motorcycle in that fantasy. I was thinking of the least likely thing … .I’ve wanted to be a comedian since I was a little kid. Is that an answer? Kinda? Sorta?”
“As a Presidential candidate, would you accept these?” [I couldn’t see what she was holding out.]
“… Not from a bear!” [Maybe she was in costume? I couldn’t tell.]
“What would be your first executive order?”
“Uh … be kind to each other?”
And then he told a story.
He didn’t teach Sunday school last year, because he was too busy with the show; but he substituted, and he was subbing on the last day before summer vacation — when the kids didn’t really want to learn anything. And Pope Benedict had just been elected, so they decided to hold a mini papal election.
He and his daughter made a paper-maché miter, with a glitter cross, and then he “very seriously” locked the door, put the key in his pocket, and told the kids, “Okay, nobody leaves here until we elect a Pope.”
They started by making a list of qualities that you should have to be a Pope: ‘knows the Bible’, ‘good person’, etcetera. “And nobody said ‘must be a man’, which made me happy.” Then it came time to vote, but one kid said “Hey, I’m gonna vote for me,” and another said, “I’m gonna vote for me!”, and it looked like trouble.
(Colbert digressed at this point to speculate that all the cardinals probably do this on the first round. “Hey, might as well, who knows, there could be a groundswell…”)
Daughter to the rescue: “Dad, make everyone vote twice.” That way they would all vote for themselves and someone else. The winner was a kid named Gregory (and his daughter had predicted “It’s gonna be Gregory, because he always knows all the answers in class.” Stephen’s daughter sounds like a cool kid).
So they brought Gregory up to the front, put the miter on his head and the cloth over his shoulder, and said, “Now that you’re the Pope, you need to pick a name; what name are you going to have?”
And the kid goes, “Urban III.” (“He really knows his stuff!”)
What will be his first papal injunction? Gregory holds up his hands (here Colbert holds up his own for a moment, to demonstrate, and then brings the mic back to his mouth), and says, “Be kind to each other.”
At which Colbert went, “All right, that’s it, we’re done, everybody go home!”
October 31st, 2007: The Taping ReporT!
Today we take a look back at this vintage taping report by The Zen all way back in 2007, when Stephen was the substitute teacher of a Sunday School Class, with a little help from his daughter Madeleine.
Please visit The Zen and The Damaged for the full Taping ReporT.
He did the thing where he raises his hands to get us to cheer, lowers them for us to stop, and then conducts shorter and shorter bursts of cheering. Oh, mob mentality. It was hilarious. And then, “Do any of you have questions, to humanize me before I start saying all these horrible things in-character?”
I didn’t get to ask any of my questions, but I paid close attention to the ones that were asked, because there are few things more frustrating than “Oh, Stephen said this hilarious thing during the Q&A — I don’t remember what it was, but it was really funny!”
So here they are:
“Why do you take so many vacations?”
He got this adorably shocked/mock-hurt look on his face. “I do 168 shows a year!”
“How did you get a TV show, and when did you know you wanted one?”
“They had half an hour to fill, and they said, ‘Hey, you, over there, on the motorcycle … ’ I don’t know why I have a motorcycle in that fantasy. I was thinking of the least likely thing … .I’ve wanted to be a comedian since I was a little kid. Is that an answer? Kinda? Sorta?”
“As a Presidential candidate, would you accept these?” [I couldn’t see what she was holding out.]
“… Not from a bear!” [Maybe she was in costume? I couldn’t tell.]
“What would be your first executive order?”
“Uh … be kind to each other?”
And then he told a story.
He didn’t teach Sunday school last year, because he was too busy with the show; but he substituted, and he was subbing on the last day before summer vacation — when the kids didn’t really want to learn anything. And Pope Benedict had just been elected, so they decided to hold a mini papal election.
He and his daughter made a paper-maché miter, with a glitter cross, and then he “very seriously” locked the door, put the key in his pocket, and told the kids, “Okay, nobody leaves here until we elect a Pope.”
They started by making a list of qualities that you should have to be a Pope: ‘knows the Bible’, ‘good person’, etcetera. “And nobody said ‘must be a man’, which made me happy.” Then it came time to vote, but one kid said “Hey, I’m gonna vote for me,” and another said, “I’m gonna vote for me!”, and it looked like trouble.
(Colbert digressed at this point to speculate that all the cardinals probably do this on the first round. “Hey, might as well, who knows, there could be a groundswell…”)
Daughter to the rescue: “Dad, make everyone vote twice.” That way they would all vote for themselves and someone else. The winner was a kid named Gregory (and his daughter had predicted “It’s gonna be Gregory, because he always knows all the answers in class.” Stephen’s daughter sounds like a cool kid).
So they brought Gregory up to the front, put the miter on his head and the cloth over his shoulder, and said, “Now that you’re the Pope, you need to pick a name; what name are you going to have?”
And the kid goes, “Urban III.” (“He really knows his stuff!”)
What will be his first papal injunction? Gregory holds up his hands (here Colbert holds up his own for a moment, to demonstrate, and then brings the mic back to his mouth), and says, “Be kind to each other.”
At which Colbert went, “All right, that’s it, we’re done, everybody go home!”