September 16, 2014 – Unlocking the Truth

EPISODE NUMBER: 10154 (September 16, 2014)
GUESTS: Unlocking the Truth
SEGMENTS: Intro – 9/16/14 | The Kinda-Sorta War and Its Mysterious Allies | The Olive Garden in Trouble | Unlocking the Truth | Unlocking the Truth – “Monster”
EXCLUSIVE: Unlocking the Truth – “Free As You Wanna Be”
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Red/White/Blue Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Intro – 9/16/14

Tonight, Obama unveils his plan to fight I.S.I.S. While I.S.I.S. unveils their plan to veil everyone. Then advice for a struggling restaurant chain. Three words — cheese-filled forks. And my guests tonight, “Unlocking the Truth,” are a heavy metal band made up of twelve and thirteen year olds. They’re available for their own bar mitzvahs. Ryan Gosling has welcomed his firstborn child into the world. Wait — what do you call a baby Gosling?

The Kinda-Sorta War and Its Mysterious Allies

  • I.S.I.S. has become my official number one enemy. You’re off the hook for now, raisins in salad.
  • Congress already gave President Obama all the authority he needs back when he was a better President [Bush].

“It is the view of this administration that the 2001 AUMF continues to apply to I.S.I.L.”

  • Yes, the authorisation for the use of “military force” or “AUMF”. AUMF still applies to I.S.I.S., even though AUMF-cording to the AUMF:

“The President is authorised to use all necessary and appropriate force against those nations, organisations or persons he determines planned, authorised, committed or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001.”

  • Of course, I.S.I.S. did not attack us in 2001. That was al-Qaeda. But President Obama fixed that.

“I.S.I.L. is a terrorist organisation, pure and simple. It was formerly al-Qaeda’s affiliate in Iraq.”

  • It was affiliated with al-Qaeda — so they’re bombable now.
  • It’s like if Congress gave the President authorisation to bomb Nirvana in 1994, he could still blow up the Foo Fighters today.
  • South Carolina senator and your disapproving aunt, Lindsey Graham.

“It’s going to take an army to beat an army. And this idea we’ll never have any boots on the ground to defeat them in Syria is fantasy. Our strategy will fail yet again. This president needs to rise to the occasion before we all get killed back here at home.”

  • We’re all gonna die! […] and worst of all — no one will be alive to blame it on Obama!
  • Because it’s true, folks, without ground forces in Syria, every man, woman and child in the United States, including Puerto Rico, Guam and American Samoa, are just dead men walking. Those 30,000 I.S.I.S. fighters will kill all 300 million of us over Columbus Day weekend.
  • Here’s why you shouldn’t panic — because we “will” have ground forces, thanks to our closest ally: anyone who will do it.

“The President has ruled out U.S. combat troops and will rely on the Iraqi Army and the so-called Moderate Syrian Opposition. […] Kurdish Peshmerga forces are fighting on the front lines. […] The Peshmerga will be the boots on the ground.”

  • nd if we’re going into Syria, the key here, of course, is the Moderate Syrian Opposition, whom the “New York Times” described as “a diverse group riven by infighting, with no shared leadership.”
  • Well that’s good. Cause if movies have taught us anything, it’s that a ragtag band of underdogs can over come any odds. I say this war in Syria will be just like Expendables 3, an expensive sequel that no one will want to see.
  • There it is. An anonymous official is telling us that our unnamed Arab partners definitely maybe won’t “not” contribute something! And that quote raise a slot of questions. First and foremost — what the hell is going on in that CNN graphic? We see a globe, highlighting the region in question, then suddenly a gentle breeze blows a quote on to the desk of world affairs through a gentle rain of magical news dust.

The Olive Garden in Trouble

  • Folks, you know, I love the Olive Garden. It really evokes the authentic cuisine of one of my favorite spots in Italy — the Olive Garden in Rome [in the Colosseum]. And just like the slogan says, “When I’m there, I’m family.” Which is why, when I’m there, I watch TV in my underwear.
  • Unfortunately, my favorite chain just got kicked in the meatballs.

“A major investor is attempting a takeover of Olive Garden releasing 300 pages that slam the restaurant chain’s food and service. […] The investment group ripped into the company for everything from soggy salads to tasteless pasta. […] They might as well say we’re not even Italian.”

  • Of course, Olive Garden is Italian! Their corporate headquarters are in Orlando [Florida]. That is mere miles from Epcot, Italy!
  • Starboard laid out their case in an all-you-can-eat power point presentation. Slide 164 asks the question, “How does the largest Italian dining concept in the world not salt the water for pasta?” Adding — if you were to Google “How to cook pasta,” the first step of Pasta 101 is to salt the water.
  • First of all, I think it’s pretty clear. Nobody at Olive Garden is Googling “How to cook pasta.” And maybe they don’t salt the water, but they make up for that by putting salt in everything else.
  • But here’s where Starboard went overboard:

Fox Business: “One hedge fund says it has the answer to the restaurant’s money woes — too many bread sticks. Starboard value says Olive Garden’s servers bring too many breadsticks to the table at a time.”

  • What the f***! Starboard, starboard wants to limit my bread sticks? What are we supposed to do now? Eat limited bread in non-stick form? What are we? Animals?
  • Folks, I am shocked by this blatant attempt by a few Wall street big shots to takeaway our carbohydrate rods. […] I’m beginning to wonder whether Wall Street really has everyone’s best interests at heart. Destroying the world economy is one thing, but I draw the line when they come for my complimentary dinner rods.
  • Wall Street, do you not realise that you’re meddling with forces beyond your comprehension? The only thing preventing the masses from rising up against you was that they were all too logy from the bread sticks.

Mother f***er! I say we bring down the Wall Street fat cat portion-limit-stapo.

Unlocking the Truth

Stephen: Okay, Malcolm Brickhouse, Jarad Dawkins and Alec Atkins. Your band is called Unlocking the Truth and what are your ages? Give me that right here. What have you got?
Malcolm: I’m 13.
Alec: 13.
Jared: 12.
Stephen: You guys are officially the youngest guests I’ve ever had on The Colbert Report.

Stephen: And you guys were playing in Times Square?
UTT: Yeah.
Stephen: You were muscling in on Elmo’s territory.

Stephen: And now you have been discovered. Sony’s given you a $1.8 million recording contract. So, um … how’s eighth grade?

Stephen: What’s your favorite class?
Jared: Nothin’.

Unlocking the Truth – “Monster”