EPISODE NUMBER: 7118 (September 20, 2011)
GUESTS: Jeffrey Kluger
STAFF CAMEO(s): Glenn Eichler
SEGMENTS:The 63rd Emmy Awards| Barack Obama Unveils the “Buffett Rule” | The Word – Death and Taxes | The Gayest Penetration
SUIT REPORT: Grey Pinstriped Suit | Pale Blue Shirt | Checked Blue Tie | Tan Shoes
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 20, 2011
“Well, at the risk of being grand-eloquent, go fornicate yourself.”
Tonight heartfelt crooner Stephen Colbert returned to the Report sans Emmy, but nevertheless, to the greatest show on television. This was a strong show, with a thorough Word segment investigating the chatter around the tax debate, and a wistful farewell to the much maligned “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
I think it is always dangerous to have Stephen sitting in the audience at these award shows. I bet he was thinking all the way back to New York about that grand-eloquent gent. Well of course Stephen’s character objects to any foreigners taking our beloved trophies.
And the guest, Jeffrey Kluger, was intriguing. I am not convinced that birth order is as scientific as he is trying to make it out to be, but all of us have anecdotal evidence of how siblings and birth order have shaped us. Stories about Stephen’s family are always fun. No question though, Stephen is the charismatic one, with his family and, of course with the Colbert Nation.
Qutoables:
- This week was the Emmys, and you know, we won…last year, and we won 3 years ago for writing, and it is a great feeling that does not last.
- Of course there is one foreigner really robbing America, Barack Obama.
- You don’t’ have to be a rocket scientist to figure out the U.S. needs money, which is good, because we have laid off all of our rocket scientists.
- That is unfair to rich people, who generally prefer not to fight our wars.
- Since when does math settle anything? Like evolution, i believe that math is just a theory.
- Unemployment has plummeted down all the way from 5.6% to 9.3% percent: selective math.
- Job creators are like a slot machine. If you just keep pumping in tax cuts, it’ll pay off. You can’t quit now, you’ve got us all warmed up.
- That is ridiculous if we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to money, other than being the sole reason they exist?
- If we don’t find some way to pay the government’s tab soon, Congress may get desperate enough to do the unthinkable: what the majority wants. [Bacon on everything]
- Right now our economy is balanced on such a tiny base, every time Wall Street pours all of our money into an elaborate scheme based on poor people’s inability to pay their mortgages, it collapses. [Jenga-nomics.]
- How do we broaden it? [Take it to The Cheesecake Factory..]
- We all benefit from the government programs that [Bachmann] has promised to eliminate on Day One. [Day 2: Blink.]
- How do these free-loaders dodge federal income taxes? Half of them don’t pay because they makes less than $20,000 a year. That’s right. They are living the good life in their cushy jobs as fry cooks, Walmart greeters, and slaughterhouse floor grate de-brainers. “Oh look at me I have my own apron!”
- The so-called poor have special kitchens just for soup.
- Save your tears, folks. [Makes excellent soup stock.]
- Money [seniors have from tax-free social security benefits] fuel[s] their decadent lifestyle of sitting around the house taking drugs all day. [Getting their Plavix on!]
- Just because … you’re one of 16.6 million of unemployed Americans doesn’t mean you can’t pull your own weight. –That’s why God gave you two kidneys. [Cry me a liver.]
- Death is no excuse for not paying their share. [Can’t worm your way out of it.]
- Just think of these lazy bones lying on their backs all day, in their fancy satin boxes.
- I don’t know about you, but my bed doesn’t have a lid. [But does have race car wheels.]
- That’s not grave robbing, it’s grave sharing.
- Otherwise we might have to consider raising taxes on the wealthy [Over Their Dead Bodies.]
- See, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Ends, and immediately, Midnight is stroking it.
- Does the yellow ribbon mean something different now? Is that gay code?
–I know what the brown handkerchief means, what the baseball cap on the belt loop means, and the two foot taps at the bathroom stall, and the shoulder bump at the bar, and the eye contact in line at the bank, and the Best Buy clerk asking if he can help me find a flat screen, or the guy in the deli who asks me if I want “sugar in my coffee.”
- Thank you, everyone, I’m flattered, but I don’t swing that way.
- Suddenly these missiles look phallic.
- Please, General, point that thing somewhere else, or at least, stop polishing it.
- All wars seem kinda gay…using the element of surprise to flank the enemy’s rear.
- The Pentagon changed [Melvin Dwork’s] status from “undesirable” to “honorable,” making him eligible for military benefits, and in the process, making all of World War II homosexual, turning The Greatest Generation into The Gayest Penetration.
- At this point the only war I can think of with zero gay overtones is the one 300. Just a bunch of shirtless, oiled –Greek dudes fighting to be for the right to be all straight with each other.
- Pentagon, I call on you to revisit this decision. You do not want to go down in history as the organization that made settling international conflict with state sanctioned homicide seem, you know … kind of weird.
Executing the Staff Procreation Schedule: “Glenn, it’s your night to make a baby. Chop chop!”
- Like everything Tanya produces, Gabriella was born on time and under budget.
- After nine months of waiting (little baby Gregory) is finally here, which is the amount of time my audience waits before each show. Although our audience holding area is more cramped than a womb.
Interview Quotables:
SC: What can you know about me based on my birth order, in a family of 11?
Jeffrey Kluger: If the mom has eleven chicks in the nest, and only ten worms, someone’s got to go hungry. The youngest is the likeliest to go hungry, so what the youngest does, is develop a sense of charm and charisma, to disarm and amuse. Since you’re the littlest one, you find the ways in the hearts and minds of the people around you.
SC: This, is a very good book.
September 20, 2011 – Jeffrey Kluger
EPISODE NUMBER: 7118 (September 20, 2011)
GUESTS: Jeffrey Kluger
STAFF CAMEO(s): Glenn Eichler
SEGMENTS:The 63rd Emmy Awards| Barack Obama Unveils the “Buffett Rule” | The Word – Death and Taxes | The Gayest Penetration
SUIT REPORT: Grey Pinstriped Suit | Pale Blue Shirt | Checked Blue Tie | Tan Shoes
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 20, 2011
“Well, at the risk of being grand-eloquent, go fornicate yourself.”
Tonight heartfelt crooner Stephen Colbert returned to the Report sans Emmy, but nevertheless, to the greatest show on television. This was a strong show, with a thorough Word segment investigating the chatter around the tax debate, and a wistful farewell to the much maligned “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
I think it is always dangerous to have Stephen sitting in the audience at these award shows. I bet he was thinking all the way back to New York about that grand-eloquent gent. Well of course Stephen’s character objects to any foreigners taking our beloved trophies.
And the guest, Jeffrey Kluger, was intriguing. I am not convinced that birth order is as scientific as he is trying to make it out to be, but all of us have anecdotal evidence of how siblings and birth order have shaped us. Stories about Stephen’s family are always fun. No question though, Stephen is the charismatic one, with his family and, of course with the Colbert Nation.
Qutoables:
–I know what the brown handkerchief means, what the baseball cap on the belt loop means, and the two foot taps at the bathroom stall, and the shoulder bump at the bar, and the eye contact in line at the bank, and the Best Buy clerk asking if he can help me find a flat screen, or the guy in the deli who asks me if I want “sugar in my coffee.”
Executing the Staff Procreation Schedule: “Glenn, it’s your night to make a baby. Chop chop!”
Interview Quotables:
SC: What can you know about me based on my birth order, in a family of 11?
Jeffrey Kluger: If the mom has eleven chicks in the nest, and only ten worms, someone’s got to go hungry. The youngest is the likeliest to go hungry, so what the youngest does, is develop a sense of charm and charisma, to disarm and amuse. Since you’re the littlest one, you find the ways in the hearts and minds of the people around you.
SC: This, is a very good book.