EPISODE NUMBER: 10158 (September 23, 2014)
GUESTS: Naomi Klein | Jared Huffman
STAFF CAMEO: Opus Moreschi
SEGMENTS: U.S. Airstrikes in Syria | Better Know a District – California’s 2nd – Jared Huffman | The Russians Buy PBR | Naomi Klein | Sign Off – PBR
SUIT REPORT: Grey Checked Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 23, 2014
U.S. Airstrikes in Syria
- This is a great day to be an American! Daddy is revved up! If you could see me from the waist down, I’d be arrested.
“We are getting breaking news live right now. We have reports that military operations in Syria have begun. The U.S. and a coalition of five Arab allies leading airstrikes in Syria using bombers and drones and missiles. […] The attacks destroying or damaging multiple targets, including training compounds,headquarters, and command and control facilities.”
- Yes, America is bringing the hammer down on I.S.I.S. to drive them out of Syria and hand that country back to its rightful leader [President Bashar al-Assad]. Oh, shit.
- Right, this guy, okay. Well there’s got to be someone who can hold that region together. Anyone seen Saddam lately? Oh, right, right, right … The spider hole and the beard and the — (pop noise) well, live and learn. That’s one on us.
- Point is, Syria is a country we’ve never bombed before — which means I get to put a new hole in my Mideast Frequent Bombing Card!
- We’ve already bombed Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia and Libya. Now Syria. All we need to do is bomb Oman, and I get a free falafel!
- Of course, as much as I love turning a new corner of the desert into the boom boom room, there is something about this story that makes me wonder if we rushed into battle too fast, because let’s face it — the network graphics packages were just not ready.
- Jimmy, you go to war with the graphics you have, not the graphics you want.
- Our closest ally, France, is battling I.S.I.S. with something more powerful, name calling. They’ve ditched I.S.I.S., I.S.I.L. and the Islamic State and are now calling the group “Daesh”. As in, “these guys are a bunch of daesh-bags”.
- The name “Daesh” comes from the Arab acronym for “Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant,” al-Dawla al-Islamiya fi al-Iraq waal-Sham.
- And France is calling them”Daesh” because “the group is reported to hate the moniker.” So much that “they were threatening to cut out the tongues of anyone who used the phrase publicly.”
- Ooooh! See me shake, Daesh? You are going down! Or my name’s not Jimmy Fallon! Write it down.
Better Know a District – California’s 2nd – Jared Huffman
#Selfie with @StephenAtHome. My vote for #TrueDetectiveSeason3 pic.twitter.com/iQay0skwQJ
— Rep. Jared Huffman (@RepHuffman) September 24, 2014
Jared: […] It’s [California’s 2nd District] got the biggest and oldest trees in the world.
Stephen: You guys have the bristle cone pines?
Jared: We probably have– we have lots of pines.
Stephen: Those are the oldest trees in the world.
Jared: I don’t know about that one. Ancient redwoods.
Stephen: Did I catch you in a lie?
Jared: I don’t think so.
Stephen: Can we check on that, please?
“[Info Video] Reaching an age of 5,000 years, bristle cone pines are the world’s oldest living organisms. But contrast, 2nd District’s ancient redwoods, while majestic are a spry 1,000 years old. And know back to our “better knowing” already in progress.”
Jared: This is news to me.
Stephen: You say you’ve never lost a trial, correct, or an election.
Jared: So far.
Stephen: Have you ever lost in an interview, sir?
Jared: I may lose one yet, we’ll see.
Stephen: Brace yourself.
Stephen: George Lucas’ Sky Walker Ranch is in your district.
Jared: Absolutely.
Stephen: What is your position on Han shooting first?
Jared: I’ll have to think about that.
Stephen: This is an important question, does Han have the right to shoot first?
Jared: Depends on the circumstances.
Stephen: Let’s see you owed a lot of money to Jabba, okay, and you knew that Greedo would take you away to be frozen in carbonite.
Jared: I want to be careful not to give legal advice to anyone in those circumstances.
Stephen: This was a longtime away in a galaxy far, far away. But Han was standing his ground.
Jared: I’m not a fan of shooting first.
Stephen: Han can’t shoot first. Interesting.
Stephen: What is an Agnostic, but an Atheist without any balls?
Jared: …
Stephen: See, you’re choosing not to specify your response to that. Unspecified. I’ll just put you down for heathen/hellbound.
Jared: Did I just lose a point?
Stephen: Why are you trying to curry favor for sharks?
Jared: Well, I’m trying to protect the world’s shark populations —
Stephen: You want our children to be dragged through the surf like chum. Have you ever seen the documentary, “Jaws?”
Jared: It’s not a documentary but —
Stephen: A news report.
The Russians Buy PBR
- Folks, as an American, I enjoy to eat food. Especially with this hole [points to mouth]. But sometimes it gets clogged up with all the food. Even if I’ve chewed it first. So to wash it down, I always reach for the quintessential American beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon. So named because it was judged America’s best as recently as the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893.
- Where I believe it beat out Jebediah van Krautman’s Wormwood Cholera Tonic.
- Folks, Pabst “is” America. That’s why, when I heard this, I exploded like a can of P.B.R. in the glove box.
Brian Williams: “A bombshell in the beer community today. P.B.R. is going to the former U.S.S.R. P.B.R. Was always a good rock-ribbed American blue-collar brand that enjoyed a second wind, thanks to the embrace of hipsters. Pabst and sister brands Colt 45and Old Milwaukee are all being sold to a large Russian brewing company called, Oasis Beverages.”
- I don’t buy Oasis Beverage’s claim that “there are definitely no plans to change any of the recipes.” Do you really expect us to believe Pabst has a recipe? Everyone knows they just catch what they can squeegee from the side of a Budweiser Clydesdale.
- Worse, the Russians aren’t getting only Pabst. The sale includes Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and Colt 45. All the beer left in your fridge after a party in 1975.
- To the barricades! Defend our P.B.R.! *Drinks P.B.R. … spits it back into can* You know, maybe I overreacted.
Naomi Klein
Naomi: […] So you have this tension between a system that needs to grow, grow, grow indiscriminately and a planet going, guys, I’ve had it, and that’s why you’re having more storms and droughts —
Stephen: Are you a druid? Are the trees talking to you? What are you talking about, the planet is talking?
Naomi: We are overloading our planet’s life support system.
Stephen: I fly over the country all the time. It’s green out there, there’s lakes, there’s rivers, it’s beautiful
Naomi: 100% of California now is in drought.
Stephen: It’s all cyclical. Right now we’re going through a cycle that —
Naomi: Keeps breaking records over and over.
Stephen: We’re peaking.
Naomi: […] You’re an artist, Stephen.
Stephen: I am not an artist. Shut up. You take that back. I have a job! I have a steady job! I’m not an artist!
Naomi: You’re a job creator.
Stephen: I did not go to Dartmouth to be called an artist!
Stephen: Well, Naomi, congratulations on the book, “This Changes Everything.” I haven’t finished reading the book. I don’t want to know who wins, capitalism or the climate, but I assume it’s capitalism because the book cost $30 and it’s printed on dead trees.
September 23, 2014 – Naomi Klein
GUESTS: Naomi Klein | Jared Huffman
STAFF CAMEO: Opus Moreschi
SEGMENTS: U.S. Airstrikes in Syria | Better Know a District – California’s 2nd – Jared Huffman | The Russians Buy PBR | Naomi Klein | Sign Off – PBR
SUIT REPORT: Grey Checked Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Purple Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 23, 2014
U.S. Airstrikes in Syria
Better Know a District – California’s 2nd – Jared Huffman
Jared: […] It’s [California’s 2nd District] got the biggest and oldest trees in the world.
Stephen: You guys have the bristle cone pines?
Jared: We probably have– we have lots of pines.
Stephen: Those are the oldest trees in the world.
Jared: I don’t know about that one. Ancient redwoods.
Stephen: Did I catch you in a lie?
Jared: I don’t think so.
Stephen: Can we check on that, please?
Jared: This is news to me.
Stephen: You say you’ve never lost a trial, correct, or an election.
Jared: So far.
Stephen: Have you ever lost in an interview, sir?
Jared: I may lose one yet, we’ll see.
Stephen: Brace yourself.
Stephen: George Lucas’ Sky Walker Ranch is in your district.
Jared: Absolutely.
Stephen: What is your position on Han shooting first?
Jared: I’ll have to think about that.
Stephen: This is an important question, does Han have the right to shoot first?
Jared: Depends on the circumstances.
Stephen: Let’s see you owed a lot of money to Jabba, okay, and you knew that Greedo would take you away to be frozen in carbonite.
Jared: I want to be careful not to give legal advice to anyone in those circumstances.
Stephen: This was a longtime away in a galaxy far, far away. But Han was standing his ground.
Jared: I’m not a fan of shooting first.
Stephen: Han can’t shoot first. Interesting.
Stephen: What is an Agnostic, but an Atheist without any balls?
Jared: …
Stephen: See, you’re choosing not to specify your response to that. Unspecified. I’ll just put you down for heathen/hellbound.
Jared: Did I just lose a point?
Stephen: Why are you trying to curry favor for sharks?
Jared: Well, I’m trying to protect the world’s shark populations —
Stephen: You want our children to be dragged through the surf like chum. Have you ever seen the documentary, “Jaws?”
Jared: It’s not a documentary but —
Stephen: A news report.
The Russians Buy PBR
Naomi Klein
Naomi: […] So you have this tension between a system that needs to grow, grow, grow indiscriminately and a planet going, guys, I’ve had it, and that’s why you’re having more storms and droughts —
Stephen: Are you a druid? Are the trees talking to you? What are you talking about, the planet is talking?
Naomi: We are overloading our planet’s life support system.
Stephen: I fly over the country all the time. It’s green out there, there’s lakes, there’s rivers, it’s beautiful
Naomi: 100% of California now is in drought.
Stephen: It’s all cyclical. Right now we’re going through a cycle that —
Naomi: Keeps breaking records over and over.
Stephen: We’re peaking.
Naomi: […] You’re an artist, Stephen.
Stephen: I am not an artist. Shut up. You take that back. I have a job! I have a steady job! I’m not an artist!
Naomi: You’re a job creator.
Stephen: I did not go to Dartmouth to be called an artist!
Stephen: Well, Naomi, congratulations on the book, “This Changes Everything.” I haven’t finished reading the book. I don’t want to know who wins, capitalism or the climate, but I assume it’s capitalism because the book cost $30 and it’s printed on dead trees.