EPISODE NUMBER: 10159 (September 24, 2014)
GUESTS: Bill Cosby
SPECIAL GUESTS: Tim Meadows | Terry Gross | Jeff Tweedy
SEGMENTS: Atone Phone – Jeff Tweedy Calls | Obama’s Coffee Cup Salute | Bill Cosby Pt. 1 | Bill Cosby Pt. 2 | Sign Off – “Cosby”
EXCLUSIVE: Extended Interview with Bill Cosby
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Grey Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Happy Rosh Hashanah, Hubsters! The Atone Phone is back! If you have wronged Stephen, make sure to apologize to him by calling 1-888-OOPS-JEW. Stephen writes a “hashtag email” to the friendly friends over at Fox and Friends and then sits down with the legendary Bill Cosby for an enchanting interview.
What did you think about this episode? Let us know in the comment section!
Atone Phone – Jeff Tweedy Calls
- Let me say Colbert Nation, on this night, I sound the shofar to herald the arrival of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year. May 5775 be a year of happiness.
I still got it. Nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. Nice thing about a dead ram horn – it only gets dead rammier.
- Rosh Hashanah is just the beginning of the Jewish High Holiday fun. From now until Yom Kippur marks the time of solemn reflection and atonement known as The Days of Repentance, not to be confused with the upcoming blockbuster, Transformers 5: Days of Repentance.
- Traditionally, this is a time to apologize to all those you have wronged. Now, I do not follow this tradition because I am not Jewish and I have never been wrong.
- But for the past nine years, ladies and gentlemen, I have given any of the chosen people who have wronged me a chance to seek my forgiveness by calling the Atone Phone.
- The Atone Phone at 1-888-667-7539. That is 1-888-OOPS-JEW.
- When you call please press 2 if you want the Atone Phone. If you press 1, you will be connected to 1-888-MORS-KDZ, a club for young telegraph enthusiasts.
- If you press 3, you reach 1-888-MOR-PK-EX, a legal hotline dedicated to the ever increasing list of ex-wives of my dear friend PK Winsome.
PK Winsome: Absolutely. You’ve reached, 1-888-MOR-PK-EX where we say, “It’s not about the kids, it’s about the money.” If this is Brenda, press 1. If this is Vanessa press 2. If this is other Brenda, press 3. If this is Janine, shhh! I haven’t told the others about you yet.
- Finally, folks, if you press 4, will you get O-NPR-LDY, a sex chat line featuring Fresh Air’s Terry Gross.
Terry Gross: Hello, you’re on with O-NPR-LDY. This is Terry.
Caller: Uh, what are you wearing?
Terry: What am I wearing? A seemingly straightforward question. Yet perhaps no outward signifier of identity is more powerful than what one wears. Though it is considered a virtue to say that appearances don’t matter, often I professed indifference is a kind of costume. But to answer your question – jeans and a cardigan, big boy.
Caller: Oh, ga, yeah!
Caller: Hi, Stephen. It’s indie folk rock legend, Jeff Tweedy.
Stephen: Jeff, this is something of a surprise. I didn’t know you were Jewish.
Jeff: Well, that’s just it, Stephen. I converted last year.
Stephen: Oh, okay, and you are wracked with guilt because you betrayed both Jesus and me?
Jeff: No, I feel bad because I had a Bar Mitzvah and I didn’t invite you.
Stephen: Oh… That’s okay, Jeff. I just hope you and your real friends had fun. I was probably busy that night anyway.
Jeff: I’m so sorry, Stephen.
Stephen: Don’t worry about it. Mazel tov on your Bar Mitvah and double stuff mazel on being forgiven by me.
Obama’s Coffee Cup Salute
- Folks, as a patriot, I have always believed that during a time of war we must all put aside our political differences, come together, and rally around our Commander-In-Chief.
- But sometimes a president acts so recklessly that men of good conscience cannot but stand and say “No more!”
Brian Kilmeade: Outrage this morning over President’s salute with a coffee cup in his hand. Some saying it is a “latte salute.”
Steve Doocy: When he arrived yesterday on Air Force One in Lower Manhattan – watch the Instagram images from The White House – yup, that’s the president, saluting with what looks like a styrofoam cup either with coffee or tea or whatever it is. Nonetheless, he didn’t switch hands. And people are fired up about this.
- Oh, I am more than fired up about this!
- And before the ugly accusations start flying from the liberals, this has nothing to do with the fact that the coffee was black.
- I am sick and tired of the race hustlers out there playing the Starbucks Gift Card. Because Obama wasn’t even drinking coffee.
Karl Rove: The idea that I’m going to just sort of jaunt out there with my chai tea and give them the old … You know … It’s not a “latte salute,” it is a “chai salute” because he drinks chai tea.
Thank you, Karl. Thank you for that.
- And to anyone who say Obama’s coffee salute was an awkward accident rather than the manifestation of a twisted mind hell-bent on disrespecting our Armed Forces, prepare to be educated.
Brian Kilmeade: Look, obviously I don’t think he said, “Let me put the coffee in this hand and salute a Marine.” I think he was buttoning his jacket with one hand, he had a coffee and he just – obviously he wants to have it back. I don’t think he intentionally did that. Do you?
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: I think when are you not intending to do something, you could be intending to do something.
- Now, does that sound idiotic? Yes. Because she didn’t intend it to.
- The point is, Not-Gretchen here was outraged. So she had no choice but to strike back with the most powerful puns in her arsenal.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Have you seen this? President saluting with a coffee cup in his hand. Was it a “latte disrespect” or a “latte do about nothing?” Send us your hashtag emails now.
Oh, I will send you my hashtag emails now.
“Dear Steve Doocy, Not-Gretchen, and Brown Haired Guy Who Is Not Steve Doocy,
I believe the President’s salute was a latte disrespectful. It was un-Americano. This is a mocha-ry of our military, that should have us flying our flags at half-caf. No Sanka you, sir. Not in my Maxwell House. It makes me very un-frappy to see. We got to put that doppio on an espresso train to cappu-China before it’s too café-au-late. Thank you for letting me venti my anger.
And hashtag email.”
Bill Cosby Pt. 1
Bill Cosby: It’s frightening.
Stephen: Yes, what’s frightening?
Bill Cosby: It’s frightening sitting here.
Stephen: Why is it frightening? I am so happy you are here. I have been a lifelong fan of yours.
Bill Cosby: Happy for you. Frightening for me.
Stephen (in reference to fun houses): Did they ever put out the bowl of grapes and say, “Feel this. These are eyeballs.” Or the bowl of spaghetti like, “These are human guts.” Did they do that kind of stuff?
Bill Cosby: Well, let me explain something to you. I was born to two people who had no money. I ate anything.
Stephen: So, would you have eaten the eyeballs?
Bill Cosby: Anybody’s balls.
Stephen: In some countries, it’s a delicacy.
Bill Cosby: Yes. And when you’re poor, it can be a delicacy. As long as you give me a piece of bread, I can make it.
Stephen: So two balls on one piece of bread – that’s an open faced ball sandwich.
Bill Cosby Pt. 2
Stephen: Why isn’t Morgan Freeman playing you in a movie?
Bill Cosby: Well, out of respect. Morgan and I worked together on The Electric Company.
Stephen: I remember, I remember.
Bill Cosby: So, I think out of respect, Morgan is waiting for me to die.
Stephen: Does he ever call you up and say, “How are you feeling?”
Bill Cosby: Not only that, but he’s asked how Sidney is doing – Poitier.
Stephen: How Harry Belafonte’s doing?!
Bill Cosby: Everybody. He wants to know how they’re all doing. And he’s not a happy man. Not a happy man. Well, sometimes, on the internet, somebody will post that I died.
Stephen: How does that feel to hear?
Bill Cosby: Well, no, no, Morgan calls.
Bill Cosby: I want you to remember – wherever you go – whatever job you have – you have a desk and a mic and two chairs – Call me.
September 24, 2014 – Bill Cosby
GUESTS: Bill Cosby
SPECIAL GUESTS: Tim Meadows | Terry Gross | Jeff Tweedy
SEGMENTS: Atone Phone – Jeff Tweedy Calls | Obama’s Coffee Cup Salute | Bill Cosby Pt. 1 | Bill Cosby Pt. 2 | Sign Off – “Cosby”
EXCLUSIVE: Extended Interview with Bill Cosby
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Grey Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Happy Rosh Hashanah, Hubsters! The Atone Phone is back! If you have wronged Stephen, make sure to apologize to him by calling 1-888-OOPS-JEW. Stephen writes a “hashtag email” to the friendly friends over at Fox and Friends and then sits down with the legendary Bill Cosby for an enchanting interview.
What did you think about this episode? Let us know in the comment section!
Atone Phone – Jeff Tweedy Calls
I still got it. Nine years later it still tastes just as rammy as ever. Nice thing about a dead ram horn – it only gets dead rammier.
Caller: Hi, Stephen. It’s indie folk rock legend, Jeff Tweedy.
Stephen: Jeff, this is something of a surprise. I didn’t know you were Jewish.
Jeff: Well, that’s just it, Stephen. I converted last year.
Stephen: Oh, okay, and you are wracked with guilt because you betrayed both Jesus and me?
Jeff: No, I feel bad because I had a Bar Mitzvah and I didn’t invite you.
Stephen: Oh… That’s okay, Jeff. I just hope you and your real friends had fun. I was probably busy that night anyway.
Jeff: I’m so sorry, Stephen.
Stephen: Don’t worry about it. Mazel tov on your Bar Mitvah and double stuff mazel on being forgiven by me.
Obama’s Coffee Cup Salute
Thank you, Karl. Thank you for that.
Oh, I will send you my hashtag emails now.
“Dear Steve Doocy, Not-Gretchen, and Brown Haired Guy Who Is Not Steve Doocy,
I believe the President’s salute was a latte disrespectful. It was un-Americano. This is a mocha-ry of our military, that should have us flying our flags at half-caf. No Sanka you, sir. Not in my Maxwell House. It makes me very un-frappy to see. We got to put that doppio on an espresso train to cappu-China before it’s too café-au-late. Thank you for letting me venti my anger.
And hashtag email.”
Bill Cosby Pt. 1
Bill Cosby: It’s frightening.
Stephen: Yes, what’s frightening?
Bill Cosby: It’s frightening sitting here.
Stephen: Why is it frightening? I am so happy you are here. I have been a lifelong fan of yours.
Bill Cosby: Happy for you. Frightening for me.
Stephen (in reference to fun houses): Did they ever put out the bowl of grapes and say, “Feel this. These are eyeballs.” Or the bowl of spaghetti like, “These are human guts.” Did they do that kind of stuff?
Bill Cosby: Well, let me explain something to you. I was born to two people who had no money. I ate anything.
Stephen: So, would you have eaten the eyeballs?
Bill Cosby: Anybody’s balls.
Stephen: In some countries, it’s a delicacy.
Bill Cosby: Yes. And when you’re poor, it can be a delicacy. As long as you give me a piece of bread, I can make it.
Stephen: So two balls on one piece of bread – that’s an open faced ball sandwich.
Bill Cosby Pt. 2
Stephen: Why isn’t Morgan Freeman playing you in a movie?
Bill Cosby: Well, out of respect. Morgan and I worked together on The Electric Company.
Stephen: I remember, I remember.
Bill Cosby: So, I think out of respect, Morgan is waiting for me to die.
Stephen: Does he ever call you up and say, “How are you feeling?”
Bill Cosby: Not only that, but he’s asked how Sidney is doing – Poitier.
Stephen: How Harry Belafonte’s doing?!
Bill Cosby: Everybody. He wants to know how they’re all doing. And he’s not a happy man. Not a happy man. Well, sometimes, on the internet, somebody will post that I died.
Stephen: How does that feel to hear?
Bill Cosby: Well, no, no, Morgan calls.
Bill Cosby: I want you to remember – wherever you go – whatever job you have – you have a desk and a mic and two chairs – Call me.