EPISODE NUMBER: 10147 (September 3, 2014)
GUESTS: Randall Munroe
SPECIAL GUEST: Kevin Spacey (as Frank Underwood)
SEGMENTS: Intro – 9/3/14 | Obama’s ISIS Strategy | Obama’s ISIS Strategy – Frank Underwood | Coach-Class Conflicts | Randall Munroe | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Maroon/Navy Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 3, 2014
Intro – 9/3/14
Tonight! Can America defeat ISIS? And if so with can we then defeat the more extremist group who fills the vacuum left by ISIS? Then, the future of air travel has been delayed two hours due to maintenance. And my guest, Randall Munroe, created the internet comic, xkcd, which explores love, math, cosmology, statistics, and human behavior. So, basically it’s Garfield. Former House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor, has taken a new job at a Wall Street investment bank. Now he can finally have some influence in Congress.
Obama’s ISIS Strategy
- Thank you so much for being here on this — quite possibly — the last episode of The Colbert Report. I planned on going until mid-December, but America might not last that long.
Because the whole damn world is swirling down the toilet bowl, which is also full of flames. How both of those are possible, I don’t know. I’m gonna say fracking.
- But ISIS is putting out horrific murder videos that are soul crushing to even consider.
- And it’s at dark times like this that we Americans need our president to step on to the world stage and declare that America is going to hunt down the bad guys and give them a taste of what General Washington used to call the “old wooden groin berries.”
- Yes, he also had wooden balls. A tragic cherry tree-chopping accident as a child. That’s why he and Martha never had children.
- We all know what we need to do.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: “Why are we not declaring war, purely so we can take the action necessary to protect us at home?”
Steve Doocy: “Just like the Administration, the Pentagon is reluctant to use that three letter word that is spelled W-A-R.”
- Yes, we need to declare war on whatever Doocy just spelled. Hey, that spells “war” too! But listen, to why Obama won’t.
President Obama: “We don’t have a strategy yet.”
So what! No strategy was our strategy the last time we started a war.
- No surprise, folks. Professor Plans-A-Lot is once again overthinking this whole “killing people” thing.
Fox News: “The White House aide is immediately telling me look, what he’s saying is it is a two-step process and ultimately he wants to destroy ISIS. In the meantime wants to manage this threat.”
- Two-steps? I can’t wrap my brain around something as complicated as two-steps. That’s like expecting me to Shake and Bake. I’m hungry. You just shake and start eating raw chicken.
- With behavior like this it’s no wonder people are looking for a new leader.
Greg Gutfeld: “With Netanyahu you have a man who puts a country before the world. With Obama you have somebody who puts the world before the country.”
Kimberly Guilfoyle: “Can we get like Netanyahu or like Putin in for 48 hours?”
Brown Hair Guy Who Is Not Steve Doocy: “Where’s our plan of action?Germany’s got one. Germany’s on the move.”
- Yes, there is nothing more reassuring than the phrase “Germany’s on the move.”
- Prime Minister David Cameron, a name synonymous with “Wait, that’s not Tony Blair? Where’s Tony Blair?”
- Last Friday, Cam here, gave a speech about ISIS that showed he’s got a stiff upper lip and even stiffer lower sack.
David Cameron: “The Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre has increased the threat level in the United Kingdom from substantial to severe.”
That’s right. They have raised the terror threat level from substantial to severe which is just one step away from the UK’s highest level: Supercalifragilisticexpiali-oh-s**t!
- But even David Cameron pales in comparison to the man I would like to see lead us. Frank Underwood from House of Cards.
Obama’s ISIS Strategy – Frank Underwood
- God, how I wish Frank Underwood were president. But that can’t happen because House of Cards is just a TV show.
Kevin Spacey as Frank Underwood from “House of Cards”
Frank Underwood: But Stephen, I hate to inform you that this is also just a TV show.
Stephen: President Francis Underwood! I can’t believe it!
Frank: Please, Stephen, I detest formalities. Just call me President Frank Underwood.
Stephen: Well, it is a real honor to have you here, sir. I’m a huge fan. How do you get so much done?
Frank: Well, it’s like I always say, Stephen, a dog doesn’t need to show its teeth as long as his growl is deep enough, his food bowl is full and he knows where all the bones are buried.
Stephen: Wow. I have no f***ing idea what that means. But I gotta tell you — that was menacingly homespun, sir. I just hope Obama was watching.
Frank: Oh, I’m sure he is, Stephen. The Colbert Report is tremendously influential. It’s like a Meet the Press that people actually watch.
Stephen: Oh, well, sir, do you watch my show?
Frank: No, I haven’t had the pleasure. I’m waiting for the whole series to be over and then I’m going to binge watch from episode one.
Coach-Class Conflicts
- We all know that air travel is terrible. Flights are always late, they cut the sex scenes from the movies, and the seat belts are nowhere near long enough to hang yourself.
- And it’s only getting worse.
“As planes have become more packed, flight attendants say they have noticed an increase in the number of incidents involving unruly passengers.”
“A woman knitting decided to recline her seat. A woman behind her was trying to sleep and she had her head on a tray table. According to passengers, she started screaming and swearing.”
“Last night on the American Airlines jet from Miami to Paris, a man fought with a passenger seated in front of him. He says because his legs hurt from diabetes. A flight attendant tried to calm the man who reportedly became more irate and grabbed the attendant by the arm. That is when Air Marshals broke their cover.”
- That’s right, armed marshals are now poised to subdue the disgruntled. Making the four seating classes now: first, business, economy and The Hunger Games.
- I say that airlines have to do more to turn coach conflicts into entertainment for us wealthy flyers. Why are we not getting a live feed of these aisle fights for our personal plasma screens?
Let’s strap some razors on those elbows and wager on these people like they’re game-cocks. My money is on the guy in 16 A. Somebody put their bag in his overhead bin, he has the look of a killer.
Interview – Randall Munroe
Stephen: A lot of the examples you have in this book end up with people, places or planets being destroyed. Why are those the kind of questions that appeal to you most?
Randall: I don’t really know. People seem to like to ask questions that would have that as a consequence. But I feel like we spend a lot of time — millions of hours collectively — watching gifs of people walking into screen doors and falling off of things. So it seems like not a surprise that people would want to see an entire planet crash into something or blow up.
September 3, 2014 – Randall Munroe
EPISODE NUMBER: 10147 (September 3, 2014)
GUESTS: Randall Munroe
SPECIAL GUEST: Kevin Spacey (as Frank Underwood)
SEGMENTS: Intro – 9/3/14 | Obama’s ISIS Strategy | Obama’s ISIS Strategy – Frank Underwood | Coach-Class Conflicts | Randall Munroe | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | White Shirt | Maroon/Navy Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 3, 2014
Intro – 9/3/14
Obama’s ISIS Strategy
Because the whole damn world is swirling down the toilet bowl, which is also full of flames. How both of those are possible, I don’t know. I’m gonna say fracking.
So what! No strategy was our strategy the last time we started a war.
That’s right. They have raised the terror threat level from substantial to severe which is just one step away from the UK’s highest level: Supercalifragilisticexpiali-oh-s**t!
Obama’s ISIS Strategy – Frank Underwood
Kevin Spacey as Frank Underwood from “House of Cards”
Frank Underwood: But Stephen, I hate to inform you that this is also just a TV show.
Stephen: President Francis Underwood! I can’t believe it!
Frank: Please, Stephen, I detest formalities. Just call me President Frank Underwood.
Stephen: Well, it is a real honor to have you here, sir. I’m a huge fan. How do you get so much done?
Frank: Well, it’s like I always say, Stephen, a dog doesn’t need to show its teeth as long as his growl is deep enough, his food bowl is full and he knows where all the bones are buried.
Stephen: Wow. I have no f***ing idea what that means. But I gotta tell you — that was menacingly homespun, sir. I just hope Obama was watching.
Frank: Oh, I’m sure he is, Stephen. The Colbert Report is tremendously influential. It’s like a Meet the Press that people actually watch.
Stephen: Oh, well, sir, do you watch my show?
Frank: No, I haven’t had the pleasure. I’m waiting for the whole series to be over and then I’m going to binge watch from episode one.
Coach-Class Conflicts
Let’s strap some razors on those elbows and wager on these people like they’re game-cocks. My money is on the guy in 16 A. Somebody put their bag in his overhead bin, he has the look of a killer.
Interview – Randall Munroe
Stephen: A lot of the examples you have in this book end up with people, places or planets being destroyed. Why are those the kind of questions that appeal to you most?
Randall: I don’t really know. People seem to like to ask questions that would have that as a consequence. But I feel like we spend a lot of time — millions of hours collectively — watching gifs of people walking into screen doors and falling off of things. So it seems like not a surprise that people would want to see an entire planet crash into something or blow up.