September 5, 2013 – John Prine

EPISODE NUMBER: 9144 (September 5, 2013)
GUESTS: John Prine
SPECIAL GUESTS: August & Arthur (Brooklyn Subway Kittens)
SEGMENTS: Intro – 9/5/13 | Smile File – Ariel Castro & The Eric Bolling Sunshine Express | cOlbert’s Book Club & Couch Bunker | John Prine – “How Lucky”
EXCLUSIVE: John Prine and Stephen Colbert – “Paradise”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Shirt | Blue Stripped Tie
TAPING REPORT: [Link] and [Link]
VIDEOS: Thursday, September 5, 2013

Intro – 9/5/13

Tonight, who will be the next mayor of New York? Quinn, de Blasio, or two hundred rats in a man suit? Then, good news for gun owners, or any kind of news you want. You’re the one with the gun! And my guest is Grammy Award winner acoustic legend, John Prine. After the ‘Colbert Bump’, he will be able to afford an electric guitar. Happy Rosh Hashanah, which we all know is the Jewish holiday of, I have no idea my writers all left early!

Smile File – Ariel Castro & The Eric Bolling Sunshine Express

• Folks, I want to thank you and thank you for letting me latch on to you like an emotional lampray, and suck the joy from your young vital bodies until they are as cry as a crouton.

• Folks, there’s a lot of depressing news out there. Chemical weapons in Syria, radiation in Fukoshima, Breaking Bad is ending. Even worse, I’m starting to think that Hand and Walt may not end up together.

“Ariel Castro, the paedophile piece of you-know-what, who held three girls captive in Cleveland for a decade was convicted and sentenced to life +1000 years behind bars. Last night the coward hung himself far short of the 1000 years. He served 33 days to be exact. Think about how much taxpayer dollars we saved. Here’s the maths on the whiteboard. Ariel Castro, 53-years-old, life expectancy of 79-years-old. $30,000 a year to house him in a federal penitentiary, $780,000 we saved by him hanging himself.”

• That’s a good point. Justice is expensive. I mean, imagine how much we could have saved if we never caught him. And folks, the Bolling sunshine express did not end at Castro. Bolling had a way to save America even more money.

“How about Gitmo? $903,000 per year per Gitmo detainee. That’s $150,000,000 a year we would save if they’d all think about doing the same thing.”

• I mean would it kill those Gitmo detainees to kill themselves? For pete’s sake, what are they waiting for? Charges?

• Oh God. Oh God don’t do it Eric, you’ve got so much to live for. Nothing’s coming to me now, but one imagines.

• See Eric, the people are clapping for you. Like Tinkerbell … like Tinkerbell with a gun in her mouth.

Kitten Subway Crisis & NYC Mayoral Race

• These subway kittens paralysed transit systems in Brooklyn. It was chaos. Hundreds of Brooklynites were stuck on the platform with nothing to Instagram. Thousands of barista’s were late for their shift. Worst of all, dozens of bands were instantly formed and named ‘The Subway Kittens’.

“If Anthony Weiner is elected mayor … he will not only stop trains for kittens, he will personally crawl over the third rail to do it.”

• I for one believe Anthony Weiner would never harm a kitten, though he has a long record of choking the chicken.

• Think about it. Lhota is the only pro-dead kitten candidate in this race. Or any race.

• I am ready to endore in the mayoral race and Joe Lhota is looking good, but first sir, you have to prove that when it comes to kitty-cide you don’t just talk the talk. You need to kill these kittens … Anyway you want, Barry! *cue game show music*

“For his kitten killing, Joe Lhota can choose from: a bat, a chef’s knife, his choice of hammers, a monkey wrench … or a classic burlap bag filled with rocks to toss into the East River.

All this and more can he yours Joe Lhota, if you’ll just ‘Kill these Kittens!’”

cOlbert’s Book Club & Couch Bunker

• Folks, if you watch this show you know that I am in bitter competition with ‘O’, the Oprah Book Club. Well next Tuesday, September 10th, we’ll have our second installment ‘cOlbert Book Club’, this time dedicated to author J.D. Salinger. So, by next Tuesday, read anything you want by Salinger, except ‘Catcher in the Rye’, I don’t care for it.

• Folks, I previously told you about ‘The Bed Bunker’ … There is no better place to rest your head after an exhausting day of paranoia.

• What about those vulnerable hours when you’re not sleeping? Well don’t worry folks, cause the makers of ‘The Bed Bunker’ have an answer […] the ‘Couch Bunker’. That’s right, it’s what we’ve been waiting for – a couch with bullet proof cushions.

• That’s why I’m proud to introduce the latest in living room protection, the ‘Barca Launcher’. Simply duck tape a knife to your head then pull the lever on the side to launch yourself head first at your enemy.

Exclusive – John Prine “Paradise” (feat. Stephen Colbert)