September 8, 2014 – John Lithgow

Blast from the past: Future Stephen, confirming that in 2372 his moisturizer regime is holding up and immigration reform is (almost) a reality.

Did love to see the return of both Gorlock and Future Stephen. Anytime Stephen puts a costume and jumps into another character, even if only briefly, it makes the show more memorable. Come to think of it, he could have done a whole future-themed episode on TCR….maybe? Well, it’s getting to be too late now! Other than the frightening new innovation of the “Pavlok” fitness band, not a horribly provocative episode. The interview with Lithgow was pleasant but not particularly earth shattering.

But this bit of eye candy came up while capping this post, so there’s a plus. If Stephen is “pregnant,” he’s not going to kiss and tell:

Be sure to let us know your thoughts on the ep in the comments while we bring you a great guide.

Intro – 9/8/14

Tonight, the latest news on immigration reform. There, you’re all caught up. Then, a new technology helps you stay fit. Just sit right there on the couch to find out what it is. And my guest, John Lithgow is actually pronounced lith-go. Olive Garden is introducing a $100 all-you-can-eat pasta pass that lasts seven weeks. Though, technically the last two weeks are for your next of kin.

William & Kate’s Royal Pregnancy

Folks, if you watch this show, you know that as a patriot, there is nothing I love more than celebrating the overthrow of the British monarchy and telling King Georgewhere he can stick his crumpet! And as an Irish American whose ancestors were driven west of the River Shannon to farm rocks, I would like to see Buckingham Palace turned into a public urinal for the indigent and the insane. But on the other hand-

Assorted media clips: Another royal baby is on the way. We have a spare to the heir. The “heir and the spare.” It’s an “heir and a spare.” Oh my goooooooood!

An heir and spare! And I can’t believe I care! But I do! We did it! Well, technically Will and Kate did it.

“Yes, the morning sickness speculation would have been rampant — is she pregnant, or did she just eat English food?”

So thank you, Prince William and Duchess Kate, for giving the whole world a much-needed break from the whole world. You deserve every bit of the attention you’re getting instead of me.

“Which leads to my own announcement. I’m pregnant!”

I don’t know how far along I am, but judging by the scale, my baby already weighs exactly the same amount as last night’s chipotle.

Waiting Forever for Immigration Reform

Nation, everywhere you look, America is being infiltrated by los latinos immigrantes. In fact, did you know that even this sentence started with an upside-down question mark? Thankfully, house Republicans have done something to combat this menace by doing nothing. But back in June, the president threatened to undo everything they have never done.

President Obama: so, while i will continue to push house Republicans to drop the excuses and act, America cannot wait forever for them to act.

No, they’re waiting forever — for you to talk.

President Obama: That’s why today — I’m beginning a new effort to fix as much of our immigration system as I can on my own — without Congress.

Going it alone? That completely undermines our constitutional system of checks, balances, and crippling deadlocks. So you can imagine my relief when I saw our waffler-in-chief fold like a breakfast taco.

President Obama: I want to spend some time, even as we’re getting all of our ducks in a row for the executive action, I want to make sure that the t’s are crossed and the i’s are dotted.

Yes, he just wants to cross the t’s, dot the i’s, and tilde the n~. Naturally, the President’s decision has left Hispanic supporters asking,Señor Obama, donde estan los cojones?

As one Latina activist said, “a guy says he’s going to propose,and then he decides he’s going to delay and not propose for a couple of months. So you go, ‘o.k., i want a two-carat ring now instead of a one-carat ring.”

One carat, two carat. We don’t want to get married. We just want someone to pick our carrots.

Yes,a muy importante “agenda” item. That’s why we can’t do pass immigration reform. That would take it “off” the agenda.

But don’t lose hope, immigrants, Just because our leaders are telling you to wait till next year doesn’t mean it won’t happen, as long as you just wait ’till next year.

John Boehner: You know, there’s a possibility that congress could take this issue up next year.

Next year! Guaranteed! Next year, guaranteed that it’s a possibility. And Boehner gets the immigrant experience, because he remembers How many years it took congress to welcome his community of Tangelo-Americans.

But if for some reason this latest promise isn’t enough to convince the Hispanish Community, I say we do something more realistic than trying to pass immigration reform — build a time machine. That way, people from the future can come back and assure us present-day Americans that immigration reform does eventually happen. With that in mind, joining me now, live from the distant tomorrow, please welcome Future Stephen.

Future Stephen: Greetings from the year 2372, Stephen.
Stephen: Wow. You look great. All my moisturizing paid off! Future me, can you assure Hispanic Americans that Washington eventually does address Immigration reform?
Future Stephen: Yes, i can. In fact, everyone in my timespeaks future-spanish — donde esta la space biblioteca.
Stephen: Incredible. So in the future, immigration reform will be passed?
Future Stephen: Absolutely. Next year.
Stephen: Thank you, Future Stephen!
Future Stephen: Goodbye past Stephen. Bet everything on the Cleveland Browns!

Pavlok Fitness Band

“Nation, I believe that my body is a temple. Which is why I’ve applied for a tax exemption. So I’m always keeping up with the latest in wearable Sport-tech. If I forget to hit the gym, my fitbit just synchs to my pebble, which sends a reminder to my iPhone, which I delete with Google glass.
Goodbye.”

Repeated nagging messages don’t motivate me. If they did, I’d have a Linked-in account. Stop it! I do not want to connect with Dave! I had coffee with him once!

But finally, there’s a smart-tech device that can jolt Americans into action.

Meet the newest fitness craze. This is the Pavlock. That bracelet claims to zap users if they stop exercising. If you don’t get moving, it’s going to shock you. Yeah, it sends 400 volts, electrical jolts right into the arm.

Yes, if you do not exercise, you get an electric shock. And, for once, it’s not from the EMTs. Of course, the Pavlok is named for Russian behavioral pioneer Ivan Pavlov, who conditioned dogs to salivate every time he rang a bell. Hence the expression, “every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings covered in dog saliva.”

And by using psychologically proven and user tested algorithms, the Pavlok wristband enforces users’ commitments to fitness, productivity and more.

And if electroshock therapy doesn’t move your fat ass, the synchronized Pavlok app will also zap you where it ‘really’ hurts because — If the user hasn’t completed their goal, they get charged money through the app and it posts on your Facebook wall “I didn’t make it to the gym today.”

“That’s just the motivation you need when you’re in a dark place, out of shape, at home, too tired to work out — it’s probably because you weren’t getting enough public humiliation.”

While Pavlok’s a good start, I believe the pain and shame of surrendering your will to an electronic device can go much farther. Which is why i’m thrilled to be part of a new wearable fitness p ilot program i heard about through my financial advisor, Gorlock.

It’s called “the Spine Spider.” Here’s how it works — place it anywhere on or near your body, and it will crawl to and embed its neuropincers in your spinal column. No recharging necessary. It feeds on your blood! And what a workout! The Spine Spider takes over your motor faculties, and marches you into a field where you build a large crystal pyramid. What’s the pyramid for? Why does Gorlock need it? What will happen when it’s finished? With Spine Spider, your brain is prevented from thinking those questions.

And, folks, I have been using the Spine Spider for weeks and lifting mysterious prisms at the behest of an unknown alien overlord has done wonders for my core.

But don’t look for Spine Spider at your nearest electronics store — Spine Spider will find you.

Interview — John Lithgow

Folks, my guest tonight stars in the new film Love is Strange. It is if you’re doing it right.

Stephen: I owe you one. Last time you were here, you were checking my prostate.
John Lithgow: How’s it going? That’s right, I gave you a proctological exam.
Stephen: Did you get a lot of people on the street saying “hey, you’re Colbert’s proctologist!” Any Colbert bump?
John: No, not at all! People won’t even shake hands with me anymore. It’s inexplicable!
Stephen: I apologize. Just fist-bump them.

Stephen: [In your new movie Love Is Strange] you play a gay guy.
John: Yes, Alfred Molina and I,that wonderful actor, we play an old gay couple who have been together 40 years, finally get married.
Stephen: So you’re living together 40 years before you get married? Not only are you committing sin, you’re living in sin at the same time. That’s a two-fer. Go ahead.
John: Unfortunately, that was the old definition of sin. Now they get married, sadly Fred’s character loses his job because his employer disapproves.
Stephen: He fires him.
John: The archdiocese of the Catholic church —
Stephen: I’m a Catholic,you realize.
John: I apologize for that.
Stephen: I don’t. I don’t apologize for that. So they kick him out because they have a moral bedrock.
John: Yes. The school doesn’t want to fire him but, according to the rules, he’s let go and these two men, they have depended completely on this job, and they have to sell their apartment. They have been Inseparable all these years. They have to figure out where to live. I live with my nephew’s wife, Fred lives with gay cops —
Stephen: Real gay cops, or Village People gay cops?
John: Real gay cops. They exist.
Stephen: I wouldn’t know. It’s probably a great movie, but i’m not into that scene.
John: : It’s a great movie. Because gay marriage is a huge hot-button, front page issue.
Stephen: Absolutely. It’s getting harder for me to oppose it and still get invited to nice parties.
John: This movie puts a face on this entire issue. You will love this film.
Stephen: I know! That’s why I’m afraid to go see it! I love you, I love Alfred Molina, It sounds like a lovely story, but then I’m going to love the idea of men loving. You will erode the barriers, the bulwarks I have between me and accepting gay marriage as normal.
John: Perhaps so. We’ll corrupt you for your own good, Stephen.

Stephen: Is it hard to playa gay man? Like, what’s the preparation? What’s the character study here? Because, listen, I’m straight, I’m as straight as they come. I mean, it is in my bones, buddy, okay? So I can’t imagine desiring a man.
John: Stephen, the only hard parts to play are badly written parts. That’s the bottom line. These are beautifully written parts. No research involved. It’s simply there. These are — you know, the whole notion of “playing gay,” – it’s simply playing a human being.