EPISODE NUMBER: 10150 (September 9, 2014)
GUESTS: Jason Segel
STAFF CAMEO: Ariel Dumas
SEGMENTS: Apple Unveils Smartwatch | The Midterm Round Up – The GOP Has Lady Problems | Hometown Hero Town – Detroit | Jason Segel | Sign Off – Jason Segel’s Scott Brown Memorial
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Light Blue Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Apple Unveils Smartwatch
- Folks, I’m sorry. I’ll be with you in just one minute. I’m just trying to load the iPhone 6 announcement, so I can find out why I suddenly hate the iPhone 5 I’m watching it on.
- But of course, the iPhone 6 wasn’t the big surprise. Many people predicted 6 would come after 5.
Apple: “I am so excited, and I am so proud to share it with you this morning. It is the next chapter in Apple’s story. [Apple Watch]“
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
© beeishappy | tumblr
- It’s finally cool to wear a calculator watch! Who’s the nerd, now, Ben McGooken?!
- This thing right here is gonna change the way you look at your wrist. But don’t take my hype for it. Take theirs.
Apple: “We’ve invented new, intimate ways to connect and communicate directly from your wrist.”
- I thought I knew all the intimate ways to wrist-communicate. What’s left? Wrist in butt?
- I did manage to get my hands on an even more cutting edge product from an Apple insider. Well technically an Apple outsider. He was in the ally behind the Apple store.
So say hello to the new WristPad!
The Midterm Round Up – The GOP Has Lady Problems
- The mid-terms are almost here. […] And I am confident that the Republicans are going to be kicking ass and taking seats because they’ve got a message that appeals to all Americans, if you don’t count 51% of them.
MSNBC: “An exclusive report on Politico states a study ordered by two Republican groups found that female voters feel the party is “stuck in the past.” They also said the G.O.P. was intolerant and lacked compassion. Nearly 50% of women had an unfavorable view of the Republican Party.”
- Okay, so Republicans are having some lady problems. And they can’t fix them the way you normally do, by drinking alone in the den with Billy Joel’s “Big Shot” cranked all the way up.
(Singing) “Now you had to be a big shot, didn’t ya! You had to prove it to the crowd! You had to be a big shot, didn’t ya! Oh your friends were so knocked out. You had to have the last word last night, so you know what everything’s about. You had to have the white hot spotlight.” None of this is going to make it into the show.
- I’m a long-time fan of former Massachusetts Senator and understudy in the Mitt Romney musical, Scott Brown.
- Now Brown is running for Senate again in the heart of Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Against incumbent Democrat and Dr. Seuss tribute name, Jeanne Shaheen.
- But Scott Brown has a new plan to win female voters — give them the “Women for Scott Brown Hero Award”. Seen here being given to New Hampshire businesswoman Janice Leahy.
Scott Brown: “I’m pleased to award Janice with a hero award to celebrate her determination to maintain a business despite government red tape and burdensome regulations … It is very troubling to listen to Janet’s story.”
- The most troubling thing about Janet’s story? Her name is Janice. But that is not Scott Brown’s fault. I mean, how’s he supposed to remember her name? It’s not like they went to the trouble to put it on the plaque.
- Jane here was clearly moved by the honor. As she told TIME Magazine, she was left confused and embarrassed by the whole episode.
- Scott has already inspired me to recognise the hard working business gals on my staff. Come on out here, Abby!
Stephen: Now — thank you Abby
“Abby”: It’s Ariel.
Stephen: That’s not what it says on the press release right here. […] I was told you wanted a meeting with me?
Ariel: well, yes, but I didn’t mean on the show.
Stephen: This is the only free time I’ve got. I was in meetings all day with level 35 of Candy Crush. What’s up?
Ariel: Okay. Well, I found out that Jeremy is making more money than I am, even though we do the exact same job.
Stephen: That is a serious accusation. Who gave you that confidential information about your salaries?
Ariel: I’m the accountant.
Stephen: Well, I’m sorry Avery. I’m with Scott Brown. We cannot have burdensome regulations on small business. I should know, this program is registered as a family-run dry-cleaner, so I can deduct my bar bill as chemical solvents. But it took a lot of girl-balls for you to come here, Amber. And to reward that enterprising spirit, I am proud to announce that you are the first ever winner of the “Women for Stephen Colbert Female Lady Achiever, No Penis? No Problem!” award.
Stephen: Just smile for the camera, and thank me for all that I have done for women.
Ariel: You’ve done nothing for women.
Stephen: That’s not what it says on my “Scott Brown Memorial You’ve Just Done Something for Women Award.”
Hometown Hero Town – Detroit
- Motown has fallen on hard times lately. Right now, Detroit is mired in the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history. The city manager estimates the total debt is likely to be between $18 billion and $20 billion.
- You know that when the going gets tough, the hometown gets hero, and nobody knows that better than Detroit’s fire department which, contrary to popular belief, does not start fires.
- These hard working middle-Americans turned their lack-of-lemons into a lack-of-lemonade. *character break*
“Detroit gets about 11,000 fires in any given year. But how it gets those calls may surprise you. The city has no modern-day computerised system for getting emergency alerts. In fire stations all across Detroit, firefighters place a pop can filled with coins or screws on top of a fax machine. When an emergency alert comes through, the paper knocks down the pop can, the clanking noise means there’s an emergency.”
- Folks, when I see this jerry-rigged alarm system, it’s clear that these brave men and women deserve more … chances to make do with less.
- For example, right now emergency calls go to a central dispatcher, who then faxes it to the fire stations. Why bother with dispatchers when homeowners can fax the Station directly?
- If there’s a fire, just remember the old saying, stop, drop and roll over to your Canon L.C. 2050 laser-class fax machine, then load the aper tray, place your document text-side down into the feeder, dial your local fire station and hit “send.” Oh! And make sure you add a cover letter with the subject header “Fire!”
Interview – Jason Segel
Stephen: You’re a TV star.
Jason: Yeah. That’s fair.
Stephen: Movie star. Musician.
Jason: Yeah. Little bit.
Stephen: And now you’ve got a book. It’s called “Nightmares.”
Jason: Yeah.
Stephen: You’re a quadruple threat at this point.
Jason: I suppose so. Yeah.
Stephen: Isn’t it a little late in your career to vie with James Franco for most well-rounded alum of “Freaks and Geeks”? […] Do you ever call him up and say, “I’m coming for you with a book, motherf***er!”
Jason: No, as opposed to trying to like widen out, I think I’m trying to like focus in.
Stephen: Oh really?
Jason: Yeah because my whole career, I have been walking the line between like child-like wonder and like incredibly creepy. And this seemed like a chance to do both!
Stephen: All right. So what’s it [the book] about?
Jason: It’s about a kid whose mother passes away.
Stephen: So it’s a sad story.
Jason: He has a sad life at the beginning. That’s how he perceives it. His father gets remarried. And when he does, the kid starts having terrible nightmares about witches eating his toes, which is a recurring nightmare that I had growing up.
Stephen: Honest to God, you dreamed witches were eating your toes?
Jason: Every night I dreampt that witches were eating my toes.
Stephen: I used to dream that I was a skeleton, and then when I would wake up I would still think I was a skeleton. And I had to touch like fleshy humans to know that I wasn’t.
Jason: Wow!
Stephen: Can you imagine waking up to that? A little boy over you, touching you in your sleep so that your skin would go around my bones and I wouldn’t be a skeleton anymore. (laughter)
Stephen: All right. I have a question, I gotta ask you. This is for a friend.
Jason: Okay.
Stephen: You just finished a nine-year run of a television show.
Jason: Yeah.
Stephen: And again, this is for a friend. How would you recommend my friend approach ending this show that my friend does that’s been on for nine years.
Jason: Yes, of course. I understand.
Stephen: Is it hard ending a show after nine years where that’s your life, that’s your family?
Jason: Yeah, it’s a tricky thing. Now is when we would be going back to the show. So, now is the trickiest time.
Sign Off – Jason Segel’s Scott Brown Memorial
Stephen: But before we go, I feel bad, jason, you were not aware you’ve won any awards, correct?
Jason: I wasn’t. No.
Stephen: You have won a lot of awards. My research department didn’t say they were good awards. [Lists Jason’s awards]
Stephen: Buddy, you’re like, you’re thick with awards. And tonight you’re getting the “Scott Brown Memorial You’ve Just Done Something for Women Award!”
Jason: I have this one already.
September 9, 2014 – Jason Segel
EPISODE NUMBER: 10150 (September 9, 2014)
GUESTS: Jason Segel
STAFF CAMEO: Ariel Dumas
SEGMENTS: Apple Unveils Smartwatch | The Midterm Round Up – The GOP Has Lady Problems | Hometown Hero Town – Detroit | Jason Segel | Sign Off – Jason Segel’s Scott Brown Memorial
SUIT REPORT: Navy Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Light Blue Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Apple Unveils Smartwatch
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
© beeishappy | tumblr
So say hello to the new WristPad!
The Midterm Round Up – The GOP Has Lady Problems
(Singing) “Now you had to be a big shot, didn’t ya! You had to prove it to the crowd! You had to be a big shot, didn’t ya! Oh your friends were so knocked out. You had to have the last word last night, so you know what everything’s about. You had to have the white hot spotlight.” None of this is going to make it into the show.
Stephen: Now — thank you Abby
“Abby”: It’s Ariel.
Stephen: That’s not what it says on the press release right here. […] I was told you wanted a meeting with me?
Ariel: well, yes, but I didn’t mean on the show.
Stephen: This is the only free time I’ve got. I was in meetings all day with level 35 of Candy Crush. What’s up?
Ariel: Okay. Well, I found out that Jeremy is making more money than I am, even though we do the exact same job.
Stephen: That is a serious accusation. Who gave you that confidential information about your salaries?
Ariel: I’m the accountant.
Stephen: Well, I’m sorry Avery. I’m with Scott Brown. We cannot have burdensome regulations on small business. I should know, this program is registered as a family-run dry-cleaner, so I can deduct my bar bill as chemical solvents. But it took a lot of girl-balls for you to come here, Amber. And to reward that enterprising spirit, I am proud to announce that you are the first ever winner of the “Women for Stephen Colbert Female Lady Achiever, No Penis? No Problem!” award.
Stephen: Just smile for the camera, and thank me for all that I have done for women.
Ariel: You’ve done nothing for women.
Stephen: That’s not what it says on my “Scott Brown Memorial You’ve Just Done Something for Women Award.”
Hometown Hero Town – Detroit
Interview – Jason Segel
Stephen: You’re a TV star.
Jason: Yeah. That’s fair.
Stephen: Movie star. Musician.
Jason: Yeah. Little bit.
Stephen: And now you’ve got a book. It’s called “Nightmares.”
Jason: Yeah.
Stephen: You’re a quadruple threat at this point.
Jason: I suppose so. Yeah.
Stephen: Isn’t it a little late in your career to vie with James Franco for most well-rounded alum of “Freaks and Geeks”? […] Do you ever call him up and say, “I’m coming for you with a book, motherf***er!”
Jason: No, as opposed to trying to like widen out, I think I’m trying to like focus in.
Stephen: Oh really?
Jason: Yeah because my whole career, I have been walking the line between like child-like wonder and like incredibly creepy. And this seemed like a chance to do both!
Stephen: All right. So what’s it [the book] about?
Jason: It’s about a kid whose mother passes away.
Stephen: So it’s a sad story.
Jason: He has a sad life at the beginning. That’s how he perceives it. His father gets remarried. And when he does, the kid starts having terrible nightmares about witches eating his toes, which is a recurring nightmare that I had growing up.
Stephen: Honest to God, you dreamed witches were eating your toes?
Jason: Every night I dreampt that witches were eating my toes.
Stephen: I used to dream that I was a skeleton, and then when I would wake up I would still think I was a skeleton. And I had to touch like fleshy humans to know that I wasn’t.
Jason: Wow!
Stephen: Can you imagine waking up to that? A little boy over you, touching you in your sleep so that your skin would go around my bones and I wouldn’t be a skeleton anymore. (laughter)
Stephen: All right. I have a question, I gotta ask you. This is for a friend.
Jason: Okay.
Stephen: You just finished a nine-year run of a television show.
Jason: Yeah.
Stephen: And again, this is for a friend. How would you recommend my friend approach ending this show that my friend does that’s been on for nine years.
Jason: Yes, of course. I understand.
Stephen: Is it hard ending a show after nine years where that’s your life, that’s your family?
Jason: Yeah, it’s a tricky thing. Now is when we would be going back to the show. So, now is the trickiest time.
Sign Off – Jason Segel’s Scott Brown Memorial
Stephen: But before we go, I feel bad, jason, you were not aware you’ve won any awards, correct?
Jason: I wasn’t. No.
Stephen: You have won a lot of awards. My research department didn’t say they were good awards. [Lists Jason’s awards]
Stephen: Buddy, you’re like, you’re thick with awards. And tonight you’re getting the “Scott Brown Memorial You’ve Just Done Something for Women Award!”
Jason: I have this one already.