August 6, 2014 — Michael Fassbender

EPISODE NUMBER: 10140 (August 6, 2014)
GUESTS: Michael Fassbender
SPECIAL GUESTS: “Soronprfbs” – Maggie Gyllenhaal | Domhnall Gleeson | Carla Azar | François Civil
SEGMENTS: Smile File – Kim Jong-un at the Lube Factory | Rand Paul’s Hasty Exit | News Anchor Baby | Michael Fassbender | Michael Fassbender – “I Love You All”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Grey Suit | Grey Pin Stripped Shirt | Grey/Red Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Smile File – Kim Jong-un at the Lube Factory

  • Tonight on the Smile File tyrannical North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.
  • This mad man lives a constant state of stern disapproval. But even before he came to power, Jong-un made no time for frivolity. Just listen to this actual CNN interview with his old border school roommate from Switzerland.

CNN World: “Did you go out in the night, you never go out, on disco or make party, never.”

  • [With Swiss accent] That’s right. He not even as a teen he never go out on disco or make party. I bet he never even go out on movie or make bowling.
  • But folks, it turns out that beneath that sad expression, Kim Jung-un just might be Kim Jung-fun.
  • North Korean state media has released new photos of the dear leader touring an industrial lubricant factory.
  • I mean just look at that smile! I have never seen him or anyone, so transported by the pure joy of lube. Nothing puts a grin on that machine’s face like extruded semi solids.
  • It sure is nice to see Un finally let his hair down. He’s usually so serious when he’s looking at things. Things like fruit. Mattresses. Accordions. Churos. Water slides. Regular slides. Flooring options and where they threw his uncle’s body.
  • And I get it, I also enjoy watching nondescript viscous goo being force threw a tube. I could spend hours at the Soft Serve pump.

Rand Paul’s Hasty Exit

  • 2016 will bring the next presidential election and I’m a sucker for political dynasties. My current favorite is the Libertarian Paul family. There’s papa Ron, son Rand and of course cousin Ru — who has a strong conservative message.

[Plays the music video for “Supermodel (You Better Work)” by RuPaul]

  • We all know the Rand man has his eye on the White House in 2016, which is why Senator Paul is appealing to minority groups using a radical strategy of being appealing.

Rand Paul: “So what I would have said is people who seek the American dream are not bad people. Some people see it that way and that’s a bad perception we have to change. […] I’m for a very expansive work Visa. If you want to come to our country, or you’re one of the 11 million who are here, I’m for giving you a work Visa. […] The door’s not going to open up to the African American community or the Hispanic community until we have something to offer.”

  • He’s right. Republicans have to offer Hispanics and African Americans something. For instance, anything.
  • Conservative Iowa Congressman, and man with a section of his basement you’re not allowed into, Steve King.
  • I am thrilled that tonight Senator Paul is making available to you his one weird secret to reducing your belly fat.

“Hi I’m Stephen Colbert. Are you fed up with being fat? Sick and tired of being beefy? Discontented with your corpulence? Then I’ve got an answer for you. The “Rand Paul-eo Diet”. Yes, the “Rand Paul-eo Diet”, the only weight loss system scientifically developed by a self-licensed Opthalmologist. It’s just three easy steps to deregulating your waistline. Step one, want to be President. Step two, eat anything you want. Burgers, pizza, even ice cream. Step three, we send a Mexican to show up to your meal. I promise no matter how good that food looks, you will burst into a heart-healthy run. […] And unlike those other weight loss plans, with the “Rand Paul-eo Diet” you won’t have to suffer with those bad tasting prepackaged foods. You eat what you want until we send you an undocumented immigrant right to your home. It turns out they’re cheaper to ship than food. And you can still eat at your favorite restaurant because there’s a damn good chance a weight loss Mexican already works there.”

News Anchor Baby

  • As a professional newsman I’m always looking for innovations in journalism. From the futuristic news desk of Shep Smith to the 3D environment of Wolf Blitzer to whatever aluminum alloy Anderson Cooper is sculpted from.
  • Today I saw a troubling glimpse of broadcasting future, and like most troubling things, I saw it at a county fair.

Interviewer: What did you think about the ride.
Little Boy: It was great. And apparently, I’ve never been on live television before. But apparently sometimes, I don’t watch — I don’t watch the news, because I’m a kid and apparently every time, apparently grandpa just gives me the remote after we watch the Powerball. And I’ve never, ever been on live television. I never ever been on live television.
Interviewer: Are you excited?
Little Boy: Yeah, and apparently I already went down the Super Slide. I went down, I was scared half to death.

  • Oh my God! This kid is a natural-born newsman. I mean he’s already breaking the story of how the Super Slide is half death scaring our children.
  • Now I already announced this Spring that I was ending this show. But I haven’t fully explained why *Audience: Awww* I know, I know, that’s how I feel when I look in the mirror.
  • One reason I’m ending the show is that when I called Comcast to get out of my cable subscription, it turned out it was easier for me just to get out of cable all together.
  • But now I’ve got an even better reason. News anchor babies like this are breathing down my neck. At five years old he’s already got the sincerity of Edward R. Murrow, the reassuring gaze of Walter Cronkite, and more gravitas than Steve Doocy.
  • And he’s already established the word “apparently” as his catch-phrase. That is the sort of senseless repetition that marks a real news legend like, Sean Hannity.

Sean Hannity: We were at another Iron Dome location, remember there’s nine of them that literally cover the entire state of Israel […] Literally we heard an Iron Dome go off […] We literally went to the border […] Literally if you are five to ten, you could walk in that tunnel […] I literally walked down a slope […] I literally walked […] Literally […] Literally […] Literally behind me.

  • Apparently that five-year-old child could replace Sean Hannity. Literally.

Interview — Michael Fassbender

Stephen: How much of this movie is mutant robo Nazi hunting?
Michael: Basically it’s about this character Jon, played by Domhnall Gleeson who gets introduced to this band which is a very sort of avant-garde sort of a misfit group of people playing music with various things from a toothbrush to a straw to a piece of corrugated iron. Jon is a very ambitious but lacking in talent in terms of a musician.
Stephen: I have met him.
Michael: […] And the rest of the band are talented, but without ambition. And it is sort of how these two journeys take off.

Stephen: What does it — like 98% of the movie you’ve got that [paper mache head] on your head.
Michael: Yeah.
Stephen: Was that liberating, or was that confining as an actor? What do you get from that? That’s better than not seeing that face.
Michael: Well, you get to lie in the morning, let the stand-in go in, take many days off really, because I’m under the head for most of it and just had to come in for the last scene.

Stephen: Oscar Wilde said if you want to get the truth from a man give him a mask. […] so what truth can you as an actor tell with a mask that you can’t tell with your face?
Michael: That’s a good point.
Stephen: Thank you, we don’t even have to go on, I like hearing you say that I made a good point.

Stephen: Did you want to be a musician. You’re an actor. You get to be a musician. You actually have a band. […] I mean do all actors secretly want to be musicians the way musicians all secretly want to be high?
Michael: I think so.
Stephen: Did you want to be a musician?
Michael: I want to be high.

Michael Fassbender – “I Love You All”