July 15, 2014 — Vint Cerf

Yes! Goddammit, I’m alive!

Obama’s Senioritis

Folks, I do not mean to sound like a broken MP3 file, but I gotta say it again. Barack Obama doesn’t have the right stuff to be president. And I am beginning to think that he agrees, because he started doing something far worse than destroying America. He is slacking off at destroying America.

Greta Van Susteren: “This week President Obama refusing to go to the US/Mexican border, but guess where the president is planning to go? On vacation. News today that the Obamas will head back to ritzy Martha’s Vineyard next month.” Eric Bolling: “Wake up, America. We elected a president who would rather play pool and drink beer in Colorado than address the crisis developing at our border.”

Yes, while America burns, President Nero is fiddling on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard, shooting pool in Colorado and down in Disney World he’s just hanging around giving the same damn speech all day long. [Shows clip of The Hall of Presidents in Disney World]
And you won’t believe what he did on his latest trip to Europe.

Peter Johnson, Jr.: “The Salon Society of the 17th and 18th century of The Enlightenment has now come to President Obama and to The White House. And we know that as soon as he stepped off the plane in Rome, according to The New York Times, he asked the ambassador, ‘Let’s have a dinner party. We can discuss art, architecture; The Enlightenment.’ Wonderful.”

Oh yes. Wonderful! Ooo, The Enlightenment! The 17th and 18th century intellectual revolution that believed that knowledge is worth acquiring and that the scientific method is superior to superstition and leechcraft. Oh, oh! Garçon, bring us pasteurized milk and vaccines so that we can all live passed age 30.

Oooo … Do do do do!

So, Mr. President just turn in the Eurail Pass. Come home, buckle down and hit the books, because, let’s face it, you’ve only got two years before graduation and you’re looking at an F in Econ.

ThreatDown – All-Bear Edition

Folks, I don’t frighten easy and I don’t know why and that scares me. This is the ThreatDown!

Folks, long time viewers with short term memory will know I am no fan of bears; brown, black, gummy, even Charmin. I’m sorry, I’m not gonna trust some murderous grizzly with the cleaning of my bathing suit area.
But recently these Berenstain brutes infiltrated our most sacred institution.

“Daytona Beach home owner, Vincent James, snapped these photos to prove that, yes, a bear was napping in his hammock. James said the bear had been rummaging through his trash cans and climbed into the hammock like he was a tourist or something.”

Yes, like he was a tourist or something. It’s all in the bear’s guide book, Let’s Go Eat Children.

That brings me to Threat #3 – Leisure Time Bears. Folks, do not be fooled here. That bear is not using a hammock to relax, because how stressful can being a bear be? “I need that salmon on my desk in 15 minutes or you’re fired from the forrest!” No.

They’re just laying in wait, folks. Here’s their plan: End of the work day you wanna relax, so you grab a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, crank the Buffett and hop in your hammock. Suddenly, instead of ‘Cheeseburger In Paradise’ it’s ‘Manburger In Bearadise.’
Over a six year period at Croatia’s Kuterevo Bear Refuge researchers reported multiple “… acts of fellatio between the two male bears …”

That’s right. These country bears are having a jamboree. But that is no jug that they’re blowing on.

That brings me to Threat #2: Gay Bears.
Folks, I have long feared what would happen if the two greatest threats to our country ever teamed up. If this goes any further, we could end up with a whole community of gay men patterning themselves after these animals.
Researchers saw Smokey the Pole Smoker over here engage in 28 acts of fellatio over 116 hours, averaging one act every 4 hours. That is truly terrifying. I had no idea bears had that many birthdays.
Finally, I bring you the most terrifying bear on the history of this program. Meet Pyros, a brown bear living in living in the Pyrenees Mountains.
Pyros is not only a vicious man-eater, he is a voracious lady-killer. Because “Pyros is father, grandfather or great-grandfather of nearly all of the cubs born in the region over the past two decades.”
Which brings me to the #1 Threat: Pyros The Bear, for changing my heart about bears. I was moved when I heard that Pyros is “…facing castration for his promiscuity…”
Castration? Is that really necessary? Did they even try abstinence-only education?
For the first time, I see that bears and I have something in common: huge balls.

I see myself in Pyros. I also see Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly. All three of us are alpha males, who according to Papa Bear’s book, The O’Reilly Factor, have dated hundreds of women.

So, I just want to say, You run Pyros! You run for all of us! Don’t let them have your magnificent man-sack.

Vint Cerf Pt. 1

What is up with Stephen’s boots? This joke was lost on me, but he does look fabulous! And it appears that one of the boots broke as he stepped up to the interview table!

Stephen: What does it mean to be the co-father of the internet?
Vint: Bob Kahn and I sat down – the other father of the internet – sat down in 1973 and began designing what is now the internet. The original project was done to help The Defense Department use computers and command the control. If you think about it, a computer can help you manage your resources better. Which might mean that a smaller force could over come a larger one if the smaller one could manage it’s resources better than the opponent.
Stephen: And are you the one who built the switch where you turn it on and the computer takes over and kills all of humanity?

Vint Cerf Pt. 2

Stephen: Jesus has influenced a few people. Mohammed has made his impact on the planet. Buddha’s done a thing or two. But I only know those three because I look it up on Wikipedia. Are you and Bob Kahn – the other guy – are you technological prophets?
Vint: I think it would be closer to say that we’re scientists and we’re experimenters and we tried to devise something that would work. Now we’re engineers, trying to expand this thing; make it work better for everybody.