EPISODE NUMBER: 10035 (December 11, 2013)
GUEST: Elizabeth Gilbert
STAFF CAMEO: Tom Purcell (as Kevin Hitler) | Matt Lapin
SEGMENTS: Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Festivus Pole in the Florida Capitol | Obama’s Handshake Controversy | Sign Language Scandal at Mandela’s Memorial | Mike Huckabee’s “12 Days of Obamacare” | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Navy Pin Striped Suit | White Shirt | Red/Navy Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, December 11, 2013
© beeishappy | tumblr
Happy Festivus, Nation! In tonight’s episode Gretchen Carlson is incensed over a Festivus pole. President Obama shakes hands with Raul Castro, causing quite an uproar. Stephen sends a message to the sign language impaired community, in true Colbert style. Folks, make sure to get your copy of Stephen’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Christmas Healthcare Parodies.’ Add it to your holiday wish list now! In a very interesting interview, Stephen and author Elizabeth Gilbert discuss 19th century sexy-time. Hubsters, I’m off to put up my Festivus pole. Comment away!
Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude
- Tonight, I’ve got an incoming news flash: I believe in God.
- Folks, the secular progressives out are once again coming after our Christmas displays.
- And for the latest attack we turn to The Gretch Who Loved Christmas.
Seinfeld clip: “A new holiday was born: A Festivus for the rest of us.” Gretchen Carlson: “Now a nearly 6-foot tall Festivus pole made from empty beer cans (is) about to go up at the Florida State Capitol. I’m not kidding. It’s part of a not-so-subtle protest against the Nativity scene already on display there.”
- That’s right! In addition to the Nativity scene, the Florida State Capitol has a Festivus pole, a Menorah and a monument to the Aztec snake god, Governor Rick Scott.
- Surely, I am not the only one who is so outraged by this.
Gretchen Carlson: “I am so outraged by this. Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for Nativity scenes and be like ‘Oh yeah, kids! Look there’s Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans.’ It’s nuts!”
- Yes, it’s nuts and I’m allergic.
- You should not have to look at a pile of beer cans when you’re just trying to show your kids positive images, like leaving a baby outside in the middle of the winter.
- But that wasn’t even the most outrageous part of Gretchen’s hour of outrage.
“Christianity stole the season from the Solstice.” Gretchen Carlson: “That’s a new headline for me. That somehow Christians stole Christmas from the Atheists.”
- That is ridiculous. What’s next? You’re gonna tell me that Jesus was Jewish? C’mon!
- So, I say we should stop these Atheists by absorbing their Festivus traditions, like some sort of yule time Borg.
Obama’s Handshake Controversy
- Folks, every time President Obama goes overseas, he embarrasses our country and he has done it again. This time, at yesterday’s memorial for Nelson Mandela.
Bill Hemmer: “Our president did shake hands, at one point, with Raul Castro. It was a moment. We all stopped and said, ‘Whoa!’ What just happened there?”
- Whoa! I’ll tell you what just happened there, Bill. The president just shook hands with Raul Castro and that is very, very bad, because…little help?
“In just one month last year, Cuba jailed more than 1,100 political dissidents.” “Critics of the Castro Regime say a friendly greeting with Raul sends the wrong message.”
- Yes, it’s sending the wrong message. A message that we might talk to them again. And is Nelson Mandela’s memorial really the place for reconciliation?
- Folks, shaking this man’s hand is an overt endorsement of Raul’s brother, Fidel. And you can’t do that. That’s why FDR never shook hands with Kevin Hitler.
“Pretty nice guy, by the way. Solid dude.”
Sign Language Scandal at Mandela’s Memorial
- Perhaps the biggest outrage of the day had nothing to do with President Obama. It had to do with the man standing a foot away from President Obama.
“This is incredible. The sign language interpreter used at Tuesday’s memorial service for Nelson Mandela – right there on the stage – a foot away from the President of The United States, by the way – it turns out is being called a fake by The Deaf Federation of South Africa. They’re saying nothing he is doing there is sign language.”
- Ladies and gentlemen, it is an outrage to criticize this man. In your rush to call this good man a fraud did you ever stop to consider that perhaps he was translating for the sign language impaired?
- Well, I have a message for the sign language impaired community.
“I, Stephen Colbert, stand with you at this difficult time.”
Mike Huckabee’s “12 Days of Obamacare”
- Host of Fox New’s ‘I Still Have a Show?’, Mike Huckabee – Last Saturday he took Obamacare down with the power of song.
Mike Huckabee: “To help us celebrate the most wonderful time of the year we’re joined by The Jolly Holidays Caroling Company for a little spin on the holiday classic. This is ‘The 12 Days of Obamacare.’”
The Jolly Holidays Caroling Company (singing): “…on the forth day of Christmas Obamacare gave to me a 4 month delay, 3 rate hikes, 2 fumbled rollouts and a doctor I can’t keep.”
- Well, folks I was so inspired by Huckabee’s Hucka-Carol that I made my own anti-Obamacare song parodies.
- Order today for Stephen Colbert’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Christmas Healthcare Parodies: Volume One.’
- Give it to a friend and they’ll enjoy Christmas classics like …
- Order now before another million people sign up for Obamacare.
Interview – Elizabeth Gilbert
Stephen: Is there sexy-time in this book?
Elizabeth Gilbert: There is sexy-time in this book.
Stephen: Is it real sexy-time or just like pistils and stamens?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Well, you know; flowers, they say, are sex made evident. Because it’s all like laid out there. You don’t have to look very carefully at an orchid or a Georgia O’Keeffe painting to get that.
Stephen: Wow. So, should I pixelate my rose garden so my children can’t see it?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Just cross-pollinate.
Stephen: I do, baby.
Elizabeth Gilbert: She is a woman of great passion and desire, which is something that I wanted to do because I feel like as a contemporary writer writing about the 19th century I can do what like the Brontës and Jane Austen and Eliot could only sort of hint at. I can actually say what happened.
Stephen: Alright. Well, what does happen? I mean, without giving everything away, does Mr. Darcy come in and then take her away from the botany and then she gets she gets on to the important work of cutting crust off of cucumber sandwiches? What’s the future for a 19th century woman interested in science? What are the opportunities?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Well, there’s love in the story but essentially what this is – is a book that celebrates a woman’s vocation, because I felt as though that’s a story we’ve never heard. And as a woman who herself has had her life saved so many times by her passion for her work, I wanted to talk about somebody whose life’s ups and downs and romances and dramas may come and go, but what’s at the center of it is this desire to understand nothing less than the workings of the natural world. And she spends her complete life in devotion to science.
Elizabeth Gilbert: You’re an artist of joy, Stephen.
Sign Off – Goodnight
Stephen sips from a J.J. Sedelmaier Productions mug. Mr. Sedelmaier is an illustrator whose works include ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo’ and ‘Tek Jansen.’ According to the J.J. Sedelmaier website:
Stephen Colbert personally requested Sedelmaier to create his “Spartina” production company logo and end tag seen on each and every broadcast of ‘The Colbert Report’ and later hired him and his company to graphically create and develop the program’s cult comic book hero and animated series, ‘Tek Jansen’.
Don’t forget to leave us a Festivus present by commenting in the section below!
December 11, 2013 – Elizabeth Gilbert
EPISODE NUMBER: 10035 (December 11, 2013)
GUEST: Elizabeth Gilbert
STAFF CAMEO: Tom Purcell (as Kevin Hitler) | Matt Lapin
SEGMENTS: Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude – Festivus Pole in the Florida Capitol | Obama’s Handshake Controversy | Sign Language Scandal at Mandela’s Memorial | Mike Huckabee’s “12 Days of Obamacare” | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Navy Pin Striped Suit | White Shirt | Red/Navy Striped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, December 11, 2013
© beeishappy | tumblr
Happy Festivus, Nation! In tonight’s episode Gretchen Carlson is incensed over a Festivus pole. President Obama shakes hands with Raul Castro, causing quite an uproar. Stephen sends a message to the sign language impaired community, in true Colbert style. Folks, make sure to get your copy of Stephen’s ‘Now That’s What I Call Christmas Healthcare Parodies.’ Add it to your holiday wish list now! In a very interesting interview, Stephen and author Elizabeth Gilbert discuss 19th century sexy-time. Hubsters, I’m off to put up my Festivus pole. Comment away!
Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude
Obama’s Handshake Controversy
“Pretty nice guy, by the way. Solid dude.”
Sign Language Scandal at Mandela’s Memorial
“I, Stephen Colbert, stand with you at this difficult time.”
Mike Huckabee’s “12 Days of Obamacare”
Interview – Elizabeth Gilbert
Stephen: Is there sexy-time in this book?
Elizabeth Gilbert: There is sexy-time in this book.
Stephen: Is it real sexy-time or just like pistils and stamens?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Well, you know; flowers, they say, are sex made evident. Because it’s all like laid out there. You don’t have to look very carefully at an orchid or a Georgia O’Keeffe painting to get that.
Stephen: Wow. So, should I pixelate my rose garden so my children can’t see it?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Just cross-pollinate.
Stephen: I do, baby.
Elizabeth Gilbert: She is a woman of great passion and desire, which is something that I wanted to do because I feel like as a contemporary writer writing about the 19th century I can do what like the Brontës and Jane Austen and Eliot could only sort of hint at. I can actually say what happened.
Stephen: Alright. Well, what does happen? I mean, without giving everything away, does Mr. Darcy come in and then take her away from the botany and then she gets she gets on to the important work of cutting crust off of cucumber sandwiches? What’s the future for a 19th century woman interested in science? What are the opportunities?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Well, there’s love in the story but essentially what this is – is a book that celebrates a woman’s vocation, because I felt as though that’s a story we’ve never heard. And as a woman who herself has had her life saved so many times by her passion for her work, I wanted to talk about somebody whose life’s ups and downs and romances and dramas may come and go, but what’s at the center of it is this desire to understand nothing less than the workings of the natural world. And she spends her complete life in devotion to science.
Elizabeth Gilbert: You’re an artist of joy, Stephen.
Sign Off – Goodnight
Stephen sips from a J.J. Sedelmaier Productions mug. Mr. Sedelmaier is an illustrator whose works include ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo’ and ‘Tek Jansen.’ According to the J.J. Sedelmaier website:
Don’t forget to leave us a Festivus present by commenting in the section below!