EPISODE NUMBER: 10117 (June 12, 2014)
GUESTS: James Webb
SPECIAL GUEST: Erik Frandsen (Hans Beinholtz)
SEGMENTS: Amazon’s Scorched-Earth Tactics and Edan Lepucki’s “California” | Tip/Wag – Ted Cruz & Led Zeppelin | Sport Report – Team USA vs. the Group of Death & Hans Beinholtz on the World Cup | James Webb | Sign Off – Necktie
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Pin Stripped Shirt | Maroon Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 12, 2014
Amazon’s Scorched-Earth Tactics and Edan Lepucki’s “California”
- It’s been a great show, but before we go, I want to update you on my ongoing war with Amazon. Last week I broke the story of something about me. You see, Amazon is in heated contract negotiations with my publisher, Hachette. As leverage, Amazon is preventing pre-orders and delaying deliveries of Hachette’s most popular authors, including me. *Audience boos wildly* Oh, don’t make me unleash these dogs.
- Folks, this is terrible. I am one of my favorite authors.
- Because of Amazon’s scorched-earth tactics, more people are getting screwed than 50 Shades of Grey. So I told Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, “it is go time, Lex Loser!”
- Now I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a great guy. So I did this not just for me, but for first-time novelists, like Edan Lepucki, whose book “California” could not be pre-ordered on Amazon […] Nation, I am proud to say that you pre-ordered just as I pre-ordered you to do. As of today, you heroes have purchased over 6,400 copies of “California”.
- You know what would really show Amazon that we will not lick their Monopoly boot? Or any of their monopoly pieces? If we put “California” on the New York Time Bestseller list. We are close.
“Nation, I want you go to ColbertNation.com and pre-order this book like Amazon doesn’t want you to. “
- Act now, and it’ll happen even sooner.
Tip/Wag – Ted Cruz & Led Zeppelin
- It’s no secret that I have always felt a deep connection to Texas senator and Joe McCarthy tribute head, Ted Cruz.
- But there’s one thing about Senator Cruz that bothers me. It’s his name: Rafael Edward Cruz. It sounds kind of, you know, Canadian.
“Senator Ted Cruz has renounced his Canadian citizenship. The Texas republican was born north of the border, only to discover that he actually had dual citizenship last year. Ted Cruz now officially All-American; shedding his Canadian citizenship.”
Tip of the Hat: Senator Cruz
- If you ask me, there’s nothing more American than not being from another country.
- Which is why it is so hard for me to also give Ted Cruz a wag of my finger.
Wag of the Finger: Ted Cruz
- The way Ted Cruz went about not becoming a Canadian was so … Canadian.
- His Cana-dectomy was performed with a simple certificate of renunciation issued by the government.
- A certificate just saying that he’s not Canadian.
Hell, I got those!
- To become 100% American, Ted Cruz needs to do something radically un-Canadian. He needs to punch a moose. Or pay for his own healthcare.
- Next up, folks, I am a huge fan of Led Zeppelin. I am a sucker for their unique mix of blues, rock and Druids. Which is why I am so aaaaangry.
“It is one of the greatest rock and roll songs of all time, but was the into to Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway To Heaven” stolen from the 1960’s band Spirit? Well, according to an attorney for Spirit’s lead guitarist, the Zeppelin classic sounds strikingly similar to Spirit’s song “Taurus.””
- Led Zeppelin is being sued for plagiarizing “Stairway to Heaven” forty-three years after it came out. The plaintiff needed time to listen to it all the way through.
But the estate of their lead singer, Randy California; seen here looking like that, claims that Led Zeppelin ripped him off.
- I don’t know what legally constitutes plagiarism. All I know is that they both made me want to couples skate.
Wag of the Finger: Led Zeppelin
- Well, this Communication Breakdown has left me Dazed and Confused. It’s a real Heartbreaker, cause I had a Whole Lotta Love for Zep. But Hey, Hey, What Can I Do? In here, the levee has broken. Black Dog.
- Zep, that’s it. Instead of listening to you, I’m gonna listen to Spirit’s “Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus.”
Oh, yeah. I am eventually gonna get into this. Jimmy, crank it up. Okay, now crank it down. Okay, now just crank it off.
Sport Report – Team USA vs. the Group of Death & Hans Beinholtz on the World Cup
- Unfortunately, this year’s 1-1 ties are going to be much less thrilling because fireworks and vuvuzelas have been forbidden from World Cup stadiums.
- Now how am I supposed to pass the time in between the pre-game riot and post-game riot?
- That is not the biggest problem here. Team USA is facing an up-pitch battle.
“Team USA continues their buildup to the World Cup. They’re up against a lot. America is going to compete in Group G with Germany, Portugal and Ghana. They’ll face some of their toughest opponents in the first round, so bad it’s being called “The Group of Death.”
- Yes, the “Group of Death”. An affiliation the Germans have been trying to get away from for about 70 years.
- Now faced with this challenge, Team USA’s coach stepped up and surrendered saying,
“We cannot win this World Cup, because we are not at that level yet … Realistically, it is not possible …”
- You don’t think an American team could win? What kind of American would say that? Turns out, a German one. Because Team USA’s coach is Jurgen Klinsmann, a German soccer star.
Hans: Like many, I have World Cup fever. Smitten with the terrible disease of nationalism and competition, the twin seeds of war.
Stephen: Yeah, you want your own team to win. I assume you’ll be rooting for Germany?
Hans: Yes, but what in truth do we win? The World Cup is an opiate of the masses. A quadrennial celebration of brute physicality by which we hope to quell the nausea of the horror of human existence ….. Go team.
Stephen: Okay, fine. But what about the US’s coach? Why wont he motivate our team?
Hans: Do you mean lie to them? Tell them that they are better than he knows them to be? Nein. To love someone is to confront them with their own worthlessness.
Stephen: … that help?
Hans: It helps the Little League team I coach. Before every game I tell the children, we cannot win. Our score will be meager. We will suffer at the cruel hands of the blue gophers, and even if we win, victory is only a fleeting joy that soon disintegrates into sorrow, even as in the beauty of the dawn we grieve for the coming of dusk and in the birth of a child we the acrid stench of the grave.
Interview – James Webb
Stephen: I always like having you on, because you’re a real Reagan man. (Webb hesitates) Did you have to think about that for a second?
James: Well, I’m a little more than a Reagan man, but I did admire him a lot.
Stephen: Were you there when he punched the Berlin wall down?
James: I think he did that without my help. Stephen When your “country called,” what did your country say to you? And did you pick up the first time, or did you push “decline’?
James: Actually, we have to worry more about when we make our calls, is our country listening? The NSA.
Stephen: Because that keeps us safe, you mean. Are you a terrorist?
James: Not that I know of.
Stephen: You lived a life of service…which service you’ve given, whether in the military or the government, has meant more to you?
James: The most important thing I’ve ever been able to do for the country is serve as a Marine in Vietnam. There is no greater honor than to have been entrusted with the lives of Americans when they’re at risk. And I’m very proud of my son for having served as a Marine in Iraq (audience applauds). I’m really proud of from the time I entered the Senate, we introduced the post-9/11 G.I. Bill, which is the best G.I. bill our veterans have ever had in our history. [..] Since that time more than a million from Iraq and Afghanistan have been able to get a better education and improve their lives.
Stephen: Are you thinking of stepping back in, because there’s speculation that you will be the first Democrat to announce his candidacy for President in 2016?
James: I don’t know where that speculation is coming from.
Stephen: Right here (points to head).
James: If I was going to be announcing I was running for President, I would’ve at least worn a tie.
Stephen: *takes off tie, throws it to Webb*
James: I would like your PAC list, too, by the way.
Stephen: My SuperPAC list, if i gave it to you, would be a federal offense, for which either of us would be punished in any way.
June 12, 2014 — James Webb
GUESTS: James Webb
SPECIAL GUEST: Erik Frandsen (Hans Beinholtz)
SEGMENTS: Amazon’s Scorched-Earth Tactics and Edan Lepucki’s “California” | Tip/Wag – Ted Cruz & Led Zeppelin | Sport Report – Team USA vs. the Group of Death & Hans Beinholtz on the World Cup | James Webb | Sign Off – Necktie
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | White Pin Stripped Shirt | Maroon Patterned Tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 12, 2014
Amazon’s Scorched-Earth Tactics and Edan Lepucki’s “California”
“Nation, I want you go to ColbertNation.com and pre-order this book like Amazon doesn’t want you to. “
Tip/Wag – Ted Cruz & Led Zeppelin
Tip of the Hat: Senator Cruz
Wag of the Finger: Ted Cruz
Hell, I got those!
But the estate of their lead singer, Randy California; seen here looking like that, claims that Led Zeppelin ripped him off.
Wag of the Finger: Led Zeppelin
Oh, yeah. I am eventually gonna get into this. Jimmy, crank it up. Okay, now crank it down. Okay, now just crank it off.
Sport Report – Team USA vs. the Group of Death & Hans Beinholtz on the World Cup
Hans: Like many, I have World Cup fever. Smitten with the terrible disease of nationalism and competition, the twin seeds of war.
Stephen: Yeah, you want your own team to win. I assume you’ll be rooting for Germany?
Hans: Yes, but what in truth do we win? The World Cup is an opiate of the masses. A quadrennial celebration of brute physicality by which we hope to quell the nausea of the horror of human existence ….. Go team.
Stephen: Okay, fine. But what about the US’s coach? Why wont he motivate our team?
Hans: Do you mean lie to them? Tell them that they are better than he knows them to be? Nein. To love someone is to confront them with their own worthlessness.
Stephen: … that help?
Hans: It helps the Little League team I coach. Before every game I tell the children, we cannot win. Our score will be meager. We will suffer at the cruel hands of the blue gophers, and even if we win, victory is only a fleeting joy that soon disintegrates into sorrow, even as in the beauty of the dawn we grieve for the coming of dusk and in the birth of a child we the acrid stench of the grave.
Interview – James Webb
Stephen: I always like having you on, because you’re a real Reagan man. (Webb hesitates) Did you have to think about that for a second?
James: Well, I’m a little more than a Reagan man, but I did admire him a lot.
Stephen: Were you there when he punched the Berlin wall down?
James: I think he did that without my help. Stephen When your “country called,” what did your country say to you? And did you pick up the first time, or did you push “decline’?
James: Actually, we have to worry more about when we make our calls, is our country listening? The NSA.
Stephen: Because that keeps us safe, you mean. Are you a terrorist?
James: Not that I know of.
Stephen: You lived a life of service…which service you’ve given, whether in the military or the government, has meant more to you?
James: The most important thing I’ve ever been able to do for the country is serve as a Marine in Vietnam. There is no greater honor than to have been entrusted with the lives of Americans when they’re at risk. And I’m very proud of my son for having served as a Marine in Iraq (audience applauds). I’m really proud of from the time I entered the Senate, we introduced the post-9/11 G.I. Bill, which is the best G.I. bill our veterans have ever had in our history. [..] Since that time more than a million from Iraq and Afghanistan have been able to get a better education and improve their lives.
Stephen: Are you thinking of stepping back in, because there’s speculation that you will be the first Democrat to announce his candidacy for President in 2016?
James: I don’t know where that speculation is coming from.
Stephen: Right here (points to head).
James: If I was going to be announcing I was running for President, I would’ve at least worn a tie.
Stephen: *takes off tie, throws it to Webb*
James: I would like your PAC list, too, by the way.
Stephen: My SuperPAC list, if i gave it to you, would be a federal offense, for which either of us would be punished in any way.