EPISODE NUMBER: 10112 (June 4, 2014)
GUESTS: Jonah Hill | Sherman Alexie
SEGMENTS: The Perils of Girly Hurricanes | Amazon vs. Hachette | Amazon vs. Hachette – Sherman Alexie | The Colbert Report’s Unintended Educational Value | Jonah Hill | Sign Off – “California”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Gold/Silver/Black Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, June 4, 2014
The Perils of Girly Hurricanes
- As a bit of a clothes horse, it’s my job to remind you of the annual fashion DOs and DON’Ts. For instance it is now after memorial day, so you are allowed to wear white pants. But, I don’t recommend it, because what you’re about to hear is going to make you go to code brown.
- Yes, hurricane season seems to come earlier and earlier every year, because thanks to global warming it never really ends.
- Here’s my number one hurricane season safety tip. If you live anywhere on the coast from Galveston, Texas, to Wilmington, North Carolina, don’t.
- We’ve just found out, when it comes to hurricanes there is a new name for danger. And it’s girly.
“According to a new study, researchers looked at more than sixty years of death tolls from hurricanes and they found female-named hurricanes killed more people than male the ones.”
- According to the study, people don’t take hurricanes as seriously if they have a feminine name. And neither consider them as risky nor take the same precautions.
- Hey, we’ve all been there. I hear Hurricane Irene is coming, I say wow, she sounds like a lovely lady. So I go out to greet her in the yard with a bucket of nails. Next thing I know, I’m floating past a high school clinging to a bloated cow carcass. It’s the float of shame.
- The study even suggest that changing a hurricanes name from Charley to Eloise could nearly triple its death toll. Which means if Charley Manson had changed his name Eloise Manson, he would have been three times as homicidal. Because everybody trusts a nice lady with a forehead Swastika.
Amazon vs. Hachette
- Nation, I’ve always been a huge fan of Amazon. It’s the only place you can get all your shopping down in your underwear, at least since they closed Circuit City.
- But now I’m not just mad at Amazon, I’m mad prime. Because I just found out that they are deterring customers from buying books by Stephen Colbert. […] They’re fighting with my publisher Hachette, and Amazon is playing hard cover.
“Amazon seems to be stepping up its battle with book publisher Hachette. Amazon is now refusing orders for some up coming Hachette books. […] Amazon has been accused of using different tactics to quietly discourage customers from buying books from Hachette book group. […] Amazon has been accused of doing everything from raising prices to deliberately delaying shipments.”
- Delaying shipments. Sometimes three to four weeks. Folks, that is just cruel. If you ordered Hachette’s “21 Day Weight Loss” [Dr. Neal D. Barnard] by the time it arrives, you’re still fat.
- And this is a big blow to my bottom line. Because Amazon controls around 50% of all book sales. That’s right thirty books a year.
- Amazon even released a statement encouraging customers to buy used copies of Hachette books from other sellers. Folks, publishers and authors get no cash from used book sales. Plus, you don’t want them. Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper till eventually they end up in prison.
- And this has pushed me past my tipping point. I think. Because I am still waiting for my copy of Hachette author Malcolm Gladwell’s, “The Tipping Point”.
- I’ll tell you what Amazon, I have got a little package for you right here. This package is care of me, J.K. Rowling and explaino the clown here. It ships immediately, and I think you’re really going to like it.
Customers who enjoyed this …
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- So watch out Bezos, because this means war!
Amazon vs. Hachette – Sherman Alexie
Stephen: Why is Amazon doing this to us?
Sherman: […] They’re doing it because they want a monopoly. They control 40-50% of the book markert and they want more. And the only way they can do that is by forcing the prices lower and lower and lower, and making it impossible for more and more publishers to publish their books.
Stephen: Is this a giant creating a monopoly trying to crush the little guy?
Sherman: No, it’s two giants fighting each other.
Stephen: Okay.
Sherman: Hachette is a big corporation, but –
Stephen: Who do I root for then?
Sherman: You root for the authors.
Stephen: That’s me. […] That’s good, because I was on my side, but I wanted to make sure.
Stephen: What can we as the victims in this fight, what can we do to fight back?
Sherman: Well, number one, you don’t shop there [Amazon]. For anything.
Sherman: Pre-publicity and pre-sales determine the success of a book.
Stephen: So the fact that first time authors can’t get any pre-sales or orders are delayed is really hurting –
Sherman: The book is dead.
Stephen: Here is one you’ve recommended. It’s called, “California” by Edan Lepucki.
Sherman: It’s a book set in mid-apocalyptic United States, where an economic, social political apocalypse has happened. And it’s this love story of this young couple who are trying to survive.
Stephen: Really? Have we lost any big cities.
Sherman: Los Angeles goes.
Stephen: So it’s got a happy ending.
- So here’s the deal. Right now, you can’t actually pre-oder this on Amazon because of the game they’re playing with my publisher. So instead I want you to my website colbertnation.com. We have got a deal with Powell books from Portland. You can order this book through my website, through Powell, and we’re going to prove that I can sell more books than Amazon.
- And when you buy it, don’t forget, also on my website, you can download this sheet of stickers. It says, “I didn’t buy this on Amazon”.
The Colbert Report’s Unintended Educational Value
- Folks, if you watch this show you know that I don’t like to toot my own horn. As a Catholic I was taught that self-tooting is a sin. But tonight I am compelled to take a moment to recognise someone else’s recognition of me.
“A new study says this one person on the one TV show is actually doing a better job educating you than other news organisations. Who is that? Answer: The Colbert Report. Researchers at the Annenberg Public Policy Center found the Colbert Nation not only thought that they knew more about something as wonky as campaign finance reform than others, they were actually right.”
- That’s right. I did a better job informing the public about campaign finance reform than every other news organisation, and CNN.
- The study says the key to my informing you was setting up my own Super PAC because you get to see the process, as opposed to a news source where they would just tell you, “This is the way it is”.
- So let that be a lesson to you , Fox News. Show, don’t tell. If you want your viewers to have a better understanding of your editorial position, they need to see you sucking Ted Cruz’s balls.
- Nation, this is an historic moment for The Report. I’ve been ranked the most informative of all American news organizations, and I am incredibly sorry. Because when we began this show, I promised to feel the news at you, from my gut. That’s why I yank everything I say out of my ass, because it’s the shortest distance between my gut and you.
Interview – Jonah Hill
Stephen: Before we get started I just want to get something out of the way here, it’s the elephant in the room.
Jonah: Uh-huh.
Stephen: I learned something disturbing recently. It was revealed that you are friends with Adam Levine.
Jonah: Yeah. *laughing*
Stephen: Would you like to apologise, because I have had “Move Like Jagger” in my head for three years, and someone needs to say they’re f***ing sorry for that.
Stephen: How did you make the cross from comedy to drama? A lot of comedians want to do that – people who do comedy. But you’re one of those rare guys. You’ve done some great comedy and you’ve done Oscar calibre drama. You’re like dumpy Tom Hanks. And I mean that in the best way possible.
Jonah: That is the best compliment I’ve ever received in my life.
Stephen: Can we talk about something that makes me a little angry, and that’s Channing Tatum. Because I saw the first movie “21 Jump Street”,incredible. I saw “22 Jump Street” last night and it’s just as funny as the first, you’re hilarious in it … but he’s hilarious in it too – and this is a picture of him. Is that fair?
Stephen: I thought comedians became comedians because in high school they were living in the primordial oozes like social shrunken homunculus who tell jokes in order to lift their head into the social circle to cry out, “I AM ALIVE! Notice me, love me!” Why would he need that?
Jonah: I don’t know man!
Stephen: Does it make you angry?
Jonah: No, no honestly I –
Stephen: That doesn’t make you angry at all? Look at it.
Jonah: Yeah, I f***ing hate him man, I f***ing hate him so much. No, it’s crazy when you work with someone who, you hired him, and he was like I don’t know who to be funny, you know you’re funny, and I’m not. Just be honest, just play the character and believe what you are saying will be really funny, because what we are writing is really stupid, and they’ll just believe what you’re saying. And he did. And then I was like f***, this guy is funnier than me in the movie.
Stephen: In the second one you’re cops who –
Jonah: You gotta take that picture down, I can’t concentrate.
June 4, 2014 — Jonah Hill
EPISODE NUMBER: 10112 (June 4, 2014)
GUESTS: Jonah Hill | Sherman Alexie
SEGMENTS: The Perils of Girly Hurricanes | Amazon vs. Hachette | Amazon vs. Hachette – Sherman Alexie | The Colbert Report’s Unintended Educational Value | Jonah Hill | Sign Off – “California”
SUIT REPORT: Dark Stripped Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Gold/Silver/Black Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, June 4, 2014
The Perils of Girly Hurricanes
Amazon vs. Hachette
Customers who enjoyed this …
… also enjoyed this.
Amazon vs. Hachette – Sherman Alexie
Stephen: Why is Amazon doing this to us?
Sherman: […] They’re doing it because they want a monopoly. They control 40-50% of the book markert and they want more. And the only way they can do that is by forcing the prices lower and lower and lower, and making it impossible for more and more publishers to publish their books.
Stephen: Is this a giant creating a monopoly trying to crush the little guy?
Sherman: No, it’s two giants fighting each other.
Stephen: Okay.
Sherman: Hachette is a big corporation, but –
Stephen: Who do I root for then?
Sherman: You root for the authors.
Stephen: That’s me. […] That’s good, because I was on my side, but I wanted to make sure.
Stephen: What can we as the victims in this fight, what can we do to fight back?
Sherman: Well, number one, you don’t shop there [Amazon]. For anything.
Sherman: Pre-publicity and pre-sales determine the success of a book.
Stephen: So the fact that first time authors can’t get any pre-sales or orders are delayed is really hurting –
Sherman: The book is dead.
Stephen: Here is one you’ve recommended. It’s called, “California” by Edan Lepucki.
Sherman: It’s a book set in mid-apocalyptic United States, where an economic, social political apocalypse has happened. And it’s this love story of this young couple who are trying to survive.
Stephen: Really? Have we lost any big cities.
Sherman: Los Angeles goes.
Stephen: So it’s got a happy ending.
The Colbert Report’s Unintended Educational Value
Interview – Jonah Hill
Stephen: Before we get started I just want to get something out of the way here, it’s the elephant in the room.
Jonah: Uh-huh.
Stephen: I learned something disturbing recently. It was revealed that you are friends with Adam Levine.
Jonah: Yeah. *laughing*
Stephen: Would you like to apologise, because I have had “Move Like Jagger” in my head for three years, and someone needs to say they’re f***ing sorry for that.
Stephen: How did you make the cross from comedy to drama? A lot of comedians want to do that – people who do comedy. But you’re one of those rare guys. You’ve done some great comedy and you’ve done Oscar calibre drama. You’re like dumpy Tom Hanks. And I mean that in the best way possible.
Jonah: That is the best compliment I’ve ever received in my life.
Stephen: Can we talk about something that makes me a little angry, and that’s Channing Tatum. Because I saw the first movie “21 Jump Street”,incredible. I saw “22 Jump Street” last night and it’s just as funny as the first, you’re hilarious in it … but he’s hilarious in it too – and this is a picture of him. Is that fair?
Stephen: I thought comedians became comedians because in high school they were living in the primordial oozes like social shrunken homunculus who tell jokes in order to lift their head into the social circle to cry out, “I AM ALIVE! Notice me, love me!” Why would he need that?
Jonah: I don’t know man!
Stephen: Does it make you angry?
Jonah: No, no honestly I –
Stephen: That doesn’t make you angry at all? Look at it.
Jonah: Yeah, I f***ing hate him man, I f***ing hate him so much. No, it’s crazy when you work with someone who, you hired him, and he was like I don’t know who to be funny, you know you’re funny, and I’m not. Just be honest, just play the character and believe what you are saying will be really funny, because what we are writing is really stupid, and they’ll just believe what you’re saying. And he did. And then I was like f***, this guy is funnier than me in the movie.
Stephen: In the second one you’re cops who –
Jonah: You gotta take that picture down, I can’t concentrate.