March 26, 2014 – Errol Morris

EPISODE NUMBER: 10080 (March 26, 2014)
GUESTS: Errol Morris
SEGMENTS: Drunk Secret Service Agents in Amsterdam | Sport Report – Professional Soccer Toddler, Golf Innovations & Washington Redskins Charm Offensive | Bright Prospects for the GOP in 2016 | Errol Morris | Sign Off – Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark Suit | Light Blue Shirt | Red/Navy Stripped Tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 26, 2014

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Drunk Secret Service Agents in Amsterdam

  • I over indulged last night. I just need some Advil and a little hair of the dog that bit me. Literally, I got into a fight with a dog last night. I ate some of its hair. It was a Chocolate Lab, and I was curious.

“Three Secret Service Agents have been send home from The Netherlands for partying too hard. […] One of the agents had so much to drink during a day of partying in Amsterdam that he couldn’t make his hotel room key work, so he just passed out on the floor in the hallway.”

  • Why do you think they’re always running alongside the President’s limo? They’re too drunk to drive.
  • The Secret Service should not have goten drunk on the job. For Pete’s sake. They were in Amsterdam, they should have gotten stoned.

Sport Report – Professional Soccer Toddler, Golf Innovations & Washington Redskins Charm Offensive

  • The waffle eating mayo dippers in Belgium have just signed a 20-month-old toddler to a professional soccer contract.

“His ball control is incredible for his age.”

  • Yes, his ball control skills are incredible, unless it rolls behind the couch because he’s not old enough to have object permanence yet.
  • Just imagine the headers he’ll be able to do once his fontanel closes.
  • Clearly America needs to up its recruiting game. I say if we want any shot at winning the 2032 World Cup, we need scouts covering Lamaze Classes and signing the biggest kickers.

“We’ve lost 5 million golfers over the last 10 years […] The research says the answer is very simple – they’re just not having fun.”

  • Yes, after 500-years of walking slowly through fields, hitting balls in the wrong direction, then searching for them in algae-filled ponds. It’s occurred to them, that sometimes golf isn’t fun.
  • Folks, the PC Police continue to hammer the Washington Redskins over their so-called ‘offensive’ name. Though, if you’ve seen them play recently, their name is the least offensive thing on the field.
  • That’s right, the ‘Washington Redskins Original Americans Foundation.’ Because Redskins is not offensive if you only use it once in your name.
  • My show has frequently come under attack for having a so-called offensive mascot. My beloved character, Ching-Chong Ding-Dong.
  • The small minded out there, have called Ching-Chong Ding-Dong an offensive caricature of an Asian American. That is wrong. Mr Ding-Dong is not American. He is a China-man from Guangdong. And if he ever heard someone calling him a stereotype, he would choke on his opium pipe.
  • Ching Chong is part of the unique heritage of the Colbert Nation that cannot change. But I’m willing to show the Asian community that I care by introducing the ‘Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Sensitive to Orientals or Whatever’.
  • It’s a wonderful charity that’s already provided 3000 of those triangle hats to Asian Americans in need.

Bright Prospects for the GOP in 2016

  • Sixty percent. That is almost half!
  • Why does [Nate] Silver think the Republicans will take the Senate? Because –

” … as compared with 2010 or 2012, the GOP has done a better job of recruiting credible candidates …”

Really?

  • Nevertheless, the GOP has stepped us its game with even credibler candidates like Iowa’s Joni Ernst who is running on a platform everyone can get behind.

“I’m Joni Ernst. I grew up castrating hogs on an island. “

Sold!

  • When it came time to play with Barbies, Joni took one look down Ken’s pants and said, “My work here is done!”
  • I believe American demand Senators with balls. And I’m guessing Joni has a dumpster full of them.
  • So Senate candidates. If you wanna win, you make more ads like Joni’s that prove you have what it takes to change Washington. Like this:

“Hi, I’m Stephen Colbert, and I grew killing ducks in the park with a tack hammer. When I was 10-years-old I beat a raccoon to death with a cinder block and my heart rate never went above 80 beats per minute. This here is my shed. You don’t want to know what I got in there. But you send me to Washington, I’ll put more things in my shed. In fact, I’m going to need a bigger shed.”

Interview – Errol Morris

Stephen: What the hell does that mean? “The Unknown Known”, what is that?
Errol: Can I be completely honest with?
Stephen: I hope you will.
Errol: I don’t know.

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Stephen: What did you learn about Donald Rumsfeld that made you horrified?
Errol: That there seemed to be nobody home.
Stephen: What do you mean? He’s a charming man.
Errol: He’s an incredibly charming man. He gave me a lot of his time. He’s incredibly co-operative.
Stephen: How many hours did you talk to him?
Errol: Thirty plus hours of interviews.
Stephen: So did you find out why we went to war in Iraq?
Errol: Not so much.
Stephen: I heard you said you actually know less about the reasons we went into Iraq after talking to him than when you started talking to him.
Errol: Yes.