May 14, 2014 – Kerri Russell

Intro – 5/14/14

Tonight, shocking news on climate change. Turns out, it was Earth’s climate the whole time! Then, Amazon’s latest breakthrough. Your book will now be delivered by an actual Amazon. And my guest, Kerri Russell, stars on FX’s ‘The Americans’ as a Russian spy in the 1980s. Or as they called it back then: now. The CDC says half of Americans take prescription drugs. The other half are too drunk to open the child-proof cap.

Pope Francis on Baptizing Martians

Pope Francis would baptize a Martian. Of course, first, he has to convert them from Scientology.

Not that I find his premise implausible. I’m sure that if an emissary came here from a culture advanced enough to traverse our solar system, land on our planet and communicate with humans, the very first thing it would do would be to seek out the man with the funniest hat and ask him for a head bath.
If an alien wants to be in the Catholic Church he should have been raised here by Christians on a Kanas farm like Cardinal Superman was.

The Word – F**k It

I have spent the last week in a rage over the Obama Administration’s new 800 page National Climate Assessment, that claims we’re ruining the environment. It made me so angry, I printed it five times.

In light of this new report, I could no longer sit idly by. I had to take action, conserve energy, drive a Tesla. I even started sorting my paper from my plastic.

” Is this sacrifice? Sure. But my only concern was – is this enough? Well, on Monday, I got my answer.”

“Forty years of data show the glaciers are melting so fast, it is now unstoppable.” “Scientists say it’s too late to do anything about the melting glaciers.”

“F**k it!”

Unstoppable melting! It’s out of our hands now.

And Into Our Basements

There are no actions we can take today. An action on Sunday might have helped or any day before that. But now, that’s all water under the bridge.

And Over The Bridge

So, what now? Well, you know what they say. If you can’t stop climate change, lay back and enjoy it.

They = Koch Brothers

I believe this failure to find a solution could be the solution to all our others failures.
Do we have bad schools?

Oh, Yeah!

Well, if we do nothing, eventually no one will know what they don’t know.

Fox News Off To A Good Start

Are you worried that money in politics is undermining democracy? Just do nothing. And soon, they’ll be no more democracy left to undermine.

We’ll Still Have American Idol!

Amazon’s Audacious Photography Patent

You don’t need to invent to light bulb to receive a patent, because these cash-generating rights have been granted to such actual inventions as the neck fanny-pack, three-legged pantyhose and the gerbil shirt.

“Which innovatively, combines a shirt, a gerbil habitat and being alone for the rest of your life.”

In 2011 alone, unused patents generated “29 billion” dollars in “lawsuits,” “legal fees,” and “…settlements worth tens or hundreds of millions of dollars…”
Folks, the patent game has just been elevated to an art form by Amazon, who it was recently reported, has been granted the patent for ‘Photography Against a White Background.’
I am so impressed by Amazon’s state-of-the-art calling of dibs. Stephen wants in.
Tonight, I’m officially filing a patent on the idea of filing patents.

“The mechanism is simple. When an individual drops off a patent application at the patent office, the second the patent hits the desk, they are in breach of my patent. At which point, they give me money.”

Then it’s just a question of how many gerbil shirts I’m gonna buy.

Interview – Kerri Russell

Stephen: This is a complicated depiction of Russian spies. Ok? These people have home lives and their own patriotism and they – you know – kill people. What kind of message do you think that’s sending to the youth of America?
Kerri: Well, I think the show is trying to represent real people in a real way. There’s no real black or white or bad or good. People are complicated.
Stephen: Evil empire. Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall. What part of “evil empire” or “Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall” did you not get from the 80s?

[Kerri adjust the opening of her blouse]
Stephen: What happened there?
Kerri: I just wanted to make myself decent.
Stephen: That’s what spies call “the honey trap.” What is the honey trap, by the way?
Kerri: You’ll find out later.
Stephen: Colbert Report: After Dark.