September 10, 2014 – Henry Kissinger

Intro – 9/10/14

Tonight, the casino industry suffers a huge loss, but don’t tell their wife. They can win it back. Then, a new way to trace money in politics, and too late, they found a new way to hide it. And my guest Henry Kissinger is a former U.S. Secretary of State. He’ll be performing Nikki Minaj’s “Anaconda”. Researchers say there may be a male birth control shot by 2017, which will sit in your wallet until 2020.

Obama’s ISIS Speech

Folks, if you are watching this on a television — and I hope you are — by now President Obama has gone on the air tonight to outline his plan to degrade and destroy ISIS.
Reports are it was only 15 minutes long. Which makes sense. You don’t need a whole lot of time to say my fellow Americans…

Now I tape my show at 7:00, folks, so I have no idea what he said tonight. All I know is that I completely agree with what Andrea Tantaros said at 5:00, four hours before the president’s speech.

Andrea Tantaros: “I’m very deeply troubled by what he will say.”

I couldn’t have agreed more. Because I also have not seen it, and I am furious at what I think it will be.

We’ll have full coverage of the speech tomorrow, whether or not I ever watch it. #GolferInChief

Dalai Lama Drama

Folks, there is another failure of international leadership out there. His Holliness, the Dalai Lama.
And now Shamma Lama Ding Dong over here has made a huge announcement that will affect all of our lives, including our future ones because “He sees no need for a successor” saying:

“We had a Dalai Lama for almost 5 centuries. The 14th Dalai Lama now is very popular. Let us then finish with a popular Dalai Lama.”

Boom! Lama out. He then dropped the karma and walked off stage.
Apparently, the old DL wants to go out on top. He claims:

“If a weak Dalai Lama comes along, then it will then just disgrace the Dalai Llama,”

Yeah, I mean, I understand that. You gotta quit when you’re ahead. I mean, we used to have a great president [George W. Bush], then we had to get one more and ended up with this guy [Barack Obama]. Who is probably a secret Buddhist what with all the meditation he does between words.

President Obama: “America cannot wait forever ……….. for them to act.”

Of course once again the D-Lam is just playing politics here, ’cause he

“… fears that China will … split Tibetan Buddhism with one new Dalai Lama named by exiles and one by China after his death.”

That’s right, double Lama Drama!
So with the Tibetan people and the Chinese government at odds over the rightful heir to Tibetan leadership, there’s only one solution.

I will be the 15th Dalai Lama.

And for all you Tibetans out there watching, sure this Dalai Lama spent the last half century spreading the message of a free democratic Tibet, spiritual enlightenment, and bagging himself a Nobel Peace Prize. But on the other hand, I have achieved nothing. Doesn’t that really make me the better Buddhist?

Tip/Wag – NASA & Trump Entertainment Resorts

Wag of the Finger – NASA

First up, folks, I am a junkie for all things space. So I was on orp coud nine when I heard about this.

“NASA Astronaut will get quite the sweet deal at the International Space Station. Barry Wilmore is headed there for six months on September 25th.”

“Astronaut Barry Wilmore asked NASA, ‘Could you get me the new SEC Network in space? They did it. He’ll get to watch college football.”

That’s right, Astronaut Barry Wilmore convinced NASA to get him college football for the six months he’s on the Space Station. And you know he’s going get great reception because he’s only about 40 feet from the satellite.

So, tonight I’m giving a Wag of My Finger to NASA for out man-caving every other sports fan on Earth. Come on! Our pimped out testoster-rooms — this is how we measure our worth as men. I thought I had a good set up with my 80 inch flat screen, hash marked carpet, my framed photo of the guy from the Nutrisystem commercials [Dan Marino].

These show the world I will spare no expense on my greatest passion: Screaming obscenities at athletes who cannot hear me.

NASA’s orbital bro-pit here has it all. It’s got floor to ceiling electronics, it’s got zero-g recliners, and Astronaut Barry can drink all the beer he wants without having to go to the bathroom break because can just pee into a vacuum tube. Although, full disclosure, I have done that on earth.

Wag of the Finger – Casinos

Next up, Nation, as a celebrity who has earned your trust by being famous, I work hard to protect my personal brand. I simply can’t let my name be associated with low quality products.
And when it comes to discriminating branding, my hero is Donald Trump or the Trumpeled — he lends his name only to a select few luxurious products.

Suits, shirts, neck ware, eyewear, leather goods, lighting, mattresses, books, chocolate, water, cologne, mirrors. Though it is shocking that Trump would let a mirror out of his sight.

“Donald Trump is suing The Trump Taj Mahal and the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City to stop using his name. He says their poor conditions are hurting his personal brand.”

“In a lawsuit filed Tuesday the billionaire accused Trump Entertainment Resorts of violating its licensing agreement by allowing the Trump Taj Mahal and the Trump Plaza to fall into an utter state of disrepair. The suit also ponts to negative on-line reviews from customers calling both properties a ‘Trump Dump.’”

That’s right. A “Trump Dump.” That’s an insult and a trademark infringement. “Trump Dump” is already licensed to Donald’s line of luxury stool softeners. Guaranteed to provide you with the classiest, most magnificent, platinum grade, velvety, top shelf doo-doo possible.

So I’m giving a Wag of the Finger to these casinos for taking the Trump name in vain.They can’t blame these sub-Trump conditions on Donald. He hasn’t had any real role in these casinos since resigning as chairman of the board in 2009 when “… his gambling company … filed for bankruptcy for the third time.” Not his fault. It is notoriously difficult to make money in the gambling business.
You see, Donald Trump –

Hold on! This just in over the Trump news wire! Oh, here we go. Here we go. Oh no! Oh no, yesterday Trump Entertainment Resorts filed for bankruptcy again. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Just so, so tragic. [Flushes toilet paper down the toilet!]

The BuyPartisan App

Folks, you know, if you guys are paying attention, I know the Colbert Nation always does, it is absolutely no big secret that our country is being torn apart by childish partisan bickering. And Obama started it!
And it’s not just politics, we also must pick sides in the products we buy. That’s why I patronize only Conservative businesses. Sam’s Club instead of Costco, Chik-Fil-A instead of Chipotle. Hobby Lobby instead of whatever the pro-contraceptive craft superstore is. I’m guessing Sluts ‘N Stuff.
Unfortunately, not every company just advertises which side they’re on. Well, good news. As the kids say, there’s an iPhone application program to do that.

“Bipartisan, that’s B-U-Y, an app that allows you to scan the bar code of your favorite grocery item and find out just how much money the company and its CEO give to either party. Cherrios gave 63.5% of its political donations to Republicans. And 24% to Democrats.”

Of course Cheerios leans Republican. They’re strong on national defense and Cheerios are made by a general.

Thank you for your service and your fiber, sir.

Let’s try that with Starbucks Coffee. Okay. It says here 80.75% Democrat. And I’m sure it would have been 100% but they left room for milk.
And I know Buy-Partisan. This little app here is trustworthy because it was developed by former Capitol Hill Staffer Matthew Colbert.

Like staring in a mirror,folks.

We don’t get to talk that often but I just want to say “Great job on this app, Cousin Matt.” I mean it’s nice to have someone in the family who shares — Wait! Do you? Hold on. Let’s try it with you. What? It says here that Matthew Colbert has only one political donation on record. He gave $250 to a Democrat. Well, then I can’t recommend your product, Matt. Too bad. I really liked it.

Interview – Henry Kissinger

Stephen: What do you think he’s (Obama) going to say?
Kissinger: I think he’s going to say that he will attack these terrorist groups in both Iraq and Syria.
Stephen: Okay
Kissinger: And I agree with that.
Stephen: You do.
Kissinger: Yes.
Stephen: Anyplace else we should be bombing? Can you bomb order back into the world? Can we just bomb everybody back to the stone age and then invite them back into the 16th Century?
Kissinger: No you can’t bomb them back into the world. But you can try to make it impossible for those who disturb order to continue disturbing it.